


Querencia

by Markey_Bree



Category: K-pop, SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Angry Lee Jihoon | Woozi, Depressed Lee Jihoon | Woozi, Depression, Explicit Sexual Content, Five Stages of Grief, Graphic Description, Grief/Mourning, Grieving Lee Jihoon | Woozi, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Lee Jihoon | Woozi-centric, Past Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Sexual Abuse, Past Sexual Assault, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Producer Lee Jihoon | Woozi, Psychological Trauma, Rage, Rape, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Ratings: R, Recovery, References to Depression, Sexual Abuse, Sexual Assault, Stressed Lee Jihoon | Woozi, Threats of Rape/Non-Con, Trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:20:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 31
Words: 78,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26454778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Markey_Bree/pseuds/Markey_Bree
Summary: In Spanish, "querencia" describes a place where one feels safe, a place from which one's strength of character is drawn, a place where one feels at home. It comes from the verb "quere", which means to desire, to want.I don't like to go in depth, I don't like having to explain myself, or acting like I'm someone I'm not. But I've been doing the latter for a long time, so long I've forgotten what I was like before. Then again, maybe I'm not acting, maybe this is just who I am now. I don't know if that's for the better or not. I'll like to think it is.
Relationships: Lee Jihoon | Woozi & Everyone, Lee Jihoon | Woozi/Everyone
Comments: 217
Kudos: 314





	1. Then

**Author's Note:**

> National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673  
> (Available 24 hours everyday)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: r4pe

** 2014 **

At home that night, I found bits of you still visible on me. The sweat, the bite marks turned into hickeys, the white between my legs, all of it wasn't mine. The smell of you still lingered on my clothes. All of you was still present on all of me.

I filled the bath tub with scorching hot water, the burning soothing the rest of my pain, I couldn't take my clothes off, so I got in with them on. It's an uncomfortable feeling, having your clothes stick to you underwater. As long as they are still on though, that's all that matters. I don't think about what I'm going to do when I get out, all I can think about is washing my body. I scrub at my face for what feels like hours. I end up stripping my clothes in the bath tub, rinsing them out and throwing them over the side of the tub. My hands explore the places yours did, starting from my neck, through my hair (I still haven't gotten cut), down the rest of my body slowly, I flinch at my own hands, cause for 0.2 seconds I thought they were still yours.

It's December, 3 days after Christmas, I am home alone, because the other members are still visiting their families and I thought it was a good idea to come home 4 days early to perfect our debut album. I thought it would be nice to have time alone, cause it's impossible to be alone when you share a dorm with 12 other boys, and sharing a room with 4 of them.  
I was wrong.

_My studio was the last place I thought my safety would be at risk. Him. I trusted him, and I let him inside. Just how I welcome everyone inside. It felt good sharing my safe place with other people, so maybe they would feel safe too._

_He felt too safe._

_He felt too safe when he let his hand rest on my chair rest. I didn't notice, I didn't think anything of it._

_And I didn't see the red flags._

_He was Bumzu's best friend. Bumzu was like a brother to me. I laid my trust in his hands as soon as he walked through the doors, cause I trust Bumzu to not put me in harms way. I never considered there ever being a path for harm, where it can be lead to me. It didn't cross my mind that boys, boys get raped too._

The second hour home, I'm letting the bath tub drain and I am naked. Even though I am alone I still wrap a towel around my whole body, not just my waist, so I can get my clothes. I change in the bathroom behind closed doors, because I am afraid the cameras may be watching me. I even lock it.

I sift through the drawers in our shared bathroom. (why do we only have one bathroom for 13 boys). I find what I'm looking for and I try to just focus on my hands, cause I don't want to look at myself in the mirror. Not yet. I watch each strain of hair fall in the sink. I only stop cutting when I think about how mad the stylists will be. I'll have to go to the salon tomorrow. They wanted to cut and dye it for our debut stage anyways. 

I set the scissors down on the counter and turn on the sink.

I don't know what comes next. I don't know what I'm supposed to do next. So, I go to bed. I let my body shut down, and hope it resets over night.

It doesn't. 

I wake up and the bed is damp under me. My heart jumps out of my chest and I try to get out just as fast. I pull the covers off with one fast yank, and it's red. There's red? I touch the front of my shorts, I pull away with a sticky feeling and I see the familiar red.

I am terrifyingly calm.

I yank the sheets off my bed, dropping them on the floor, I grab more clothes and walk fast to the bathroom. I change with the door closed, then go back for the sheets. The washer has my wet clothes from last night still in there, so I let my bloody clothes and sheets fall on top of them, and I press the soak button, cold water, cold water gets blood out. Hopefully semen too. I didn't have the chance to look that up too.

Under the sink in the kitchen we have bleach. I take it, along with a roll of paper towels, and return to my bed. On my knees, I scrub after letting it soak. I scrub until it's pink, and let it soak again while I watch the washer. Then I scrub until it's white.

I grab a mask, hoodie, and stuff my uneven hair into a hat just until I go to the salon. I slip my set of dorm keys in my pocket, locking the door behind me.

I walk outside and onto the sidewalk and that's when I realize. It's not the end of the world. I will have to move on from this, without letting a single person know what you did to me.

Following my GPS it takes me 10 minutes to arrive at my destination. Ten minutes of walking by men that I mistaken as you. Ten minutes of listening to the cars and forcing my body to stay put and wait for the walk signal. When I spot my destination I see that the doors are glass, an older man holds them open for me as he walks out while I walk in. Glass doors are pointless. Doors are meant for hiding. Not displaying.

I approach the front desk and they ask for a name.

"I didn't schedule an appointment but it's an emergency," the desk lady looks at me, she keeps smiling.

I almost tell her to wipe the smile off her face. She should know this isn't a time for smiling.

"It must be. Shouldn't you be in school."

"Christmas break," I fail to tell her I'm already graduated.

"Okay someone will see you shortly, you can have a seat-"

"I can see him now. We are quite slow this morning," a doctor appears through a windowed door, she waves at me.

"Thank you," I tell the desk lady before hurriedly following the doctor.

We enter a smaller room and she closes the door. I take a seat on the observation table.

"I'm Dr. Kim, what is your name young man?"

She must be in her late 30s, she looks too young to be over 40.

"Lee Jihoon."

"How old are you Jihoon?"

"I'm 19." 

"What brings you here?"

There's no going back now.

"Um. I- well-" I stop all together, I don't know how to tell her my penis is bleeding.

"How about this, I ask you questions and you just tell me yes or no," she sees I am uncomfortable, I am thankful.

"Do you feel sick?" she turns on her computer, typing in information I've already told her.

"No."

"Are you hurting anywhere physically?"

"Yes."

"Where?"

I just stare at her. She stops typing and turns towards me.

"Can you lay back for me?"

I listen, and I watch her as she puts on gloves.

She touches my stomach without warning, and I flinch hard.

"Did that hurt?" she looks startled, but she regains herself quickly.

"No," I shake my head.

"Are you sure?"

"You just scared me," I blurt out.

Her face softens, "I'm sorry. May I lift your shirt?"

"No."

She looks confused.

"My stomach isn't where I'm hurting."

She hums then nods, "Of course," she sits back down, and I sit up again, "Is it your head?"

"No."

She keeps her gloved hands in her lap.

"Legs?"

"No."

It dawns on her for a second, and I can see it in her face when she realizes it. She must not be used to this.

"Ah, okay I understand," and her face is back to being professional, "I can get a male doctor to examine you," she stands up and I panic, "it may take a minute but I'll let you know."

She's starting to take her gloves off, she's going to leave.

"No!" I say it too frantically, she looks at me, "I don't need to be examined I just need to know what to do."

She looks over my face, observing me, clearly, and she can't seem to figure me out. So she sits back down, and rolls over to me on her stool. She stays a couple feet away while she talks.

"How can we be sure what's wrong if we don't examine you? We can't help if we don't know what's wrong."

I take a deep breath, "It hurts," and I gesture at my lower half, hoping she gets the hint.

"Your privates?"

I nod.

"A male doctor can look. Please let us help."

"No. I don't want a male doctor I want you or another female."

She must think I'm a pervert or something. I feel guilty.

"I'm sorry."

She frowns, looking at me with sympathy, not disgust.

"It's okay. Can you tell me what's going on down there?"

"It's bleeding."

She discards her gloves and moves back to her computer.

"Have you been sexually active in the last 7 days?"

"Yes."

"Can you remember when?"

_I wish I could forget._

"Yesterday?"

"Does it hurt when you pee?"

I think back on last night, then nod.

"Eye discharge or do you see spotting?"

I hit my head hard, so spotting is a check, not just the circumstances matter, and I'm pretty sure crying counts as discharge, so I just nod. I want to get out of here before a male doctor is forced to examine me.

"You're catching it soon, that's good."

I don't know what she means by that. I just lost my virginity what does she mean I may be catching something.

"Bleeding and pains are common signs of chlamydia," she says, and she's typing away with a small smile, like she discovered the root of all my problems. 

_Are they signs of rape too?_

"Hmm?"

_Did I say that out loud?_

"Does it go away?"

"Yes, yes. Just with Antibiotics, I can prescribe you Levofloxacin and you can pick it up from the pharmacy on your way home. How does that sound?"

"And you don't have to examine me?"

"No. But if the pains don't go away after the medication is finished I recommend coming back. It could be something else, so it's good if we can examine you then. But don't worry chlamydia is common in people your age, it's almost never something else. All I need is a little more information," she pulls out a clip board with paper from her desk drawer and hands it to me, "then you can be on your way."

I'm finally returning home, my new safe place. All I wanted was to crawl into my bed and rot.

"Jihoon-ah! What are you doing here?" it's Ailee, my heart skips a beat, I grasp the convenience store bag that held my dinner and the pills, "Shouldn't you be in Busan?"

"Ah," I force a smile, acting normal, I need the practice anyways, "I wanted to be alone before having to go back to living in a full dorm again."

She laughs, approaching me, walking along side as we enter our building, "Did you eat yet?"

"No I picked up ramen from the convenience store."

"Nonsense, don't eat that junk on the holidays, lets go out to eat. You just have to change."

As we enter the elevator I think about telling her. What would happen if I told her?

_"No one will believe you, and even if they did why would you risk your whole team's debut. That's selfish. And stupid."_

"How long have to been back?"

"Just since last night," I glance at her, switching the bag to my other hand so it's next to the elevator wall and not her hand, "Noona?"

"Yes?"

_Tell her._

I stay quiet for a moment, thinking how to phrase what I'm about to say.

"I- I don't know how to say this," I admit, and I'm about to apologize when she says.

"You want Seventeen's debut to be perfect, I understand. I been in your shoes, but Jihoon-ssi you have to make sure you don't over work, you have to take care of yourself and take breaks when the company gives you all one."

She's handing me over a lie, that I didn't even have to work for. She's giving me something to work off of. I wasn't raped, I almost laugh. I was just busy overworking myself. A man I thought I could trust did not enter my safe place and ruin it. He did not take advantage of me. We were just working.

"Do you understand?"

I just nod, cause I stopped listening, "Thank you noona."

"What did you eat today?"

"I actually didn't eat yet."

"Oh? Okay then we should try this buffet place new in Itaewon."

"Noona."

This is it, I can do it. 

_"No one will believe you."_

"Can you fix my hair?"

"What? What did you do to it?"

"I was going to go to the salon but I ended up just wandering the city for a while and got distracted," that is semi true, I did wander, and I did forget to get a haircut.

She reaches to take off my hat, "Ahh, well you tried," she can't help but laugh and for the first time in 48 hours, I smile.

"Yes of course, we can fix it inside," I didn't even realize we got off the elevator, and suddenly were in front of the dorm's door.

I get my key out and unlock it, pushing it open and letting Ailee step inside first. I throw the bag and keys onto the coffee table.

"You need to clean," she states, and I just hum while I lead her down the hall way to the only bathroom.

"Sit down on the toilet," she says, picking up the scissors I've left out, "you're lucky I'm pretty good at this."

I feel my hair get lighter, pieces falling onto my shoulders and my lap, I brush them off. Ailee hums and continues talking, while I think about how badly I want to bleach the parts of me your hands still linger.

_"You want this. When will you ever get action like this again? Let it soak in, you'll enjoy it. Just enjoy yourself."_

_I didn't say no. I didn't tell him to stop. So he kept going. It's my fault._

_But I screamed. Or I tried to, nothing left my mouth. So instead I just cried, and waited for it to be over. And what do you do when a person won't stop crying?_

_You cover their mouth._


	2. Now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673  
> (Available 24 hours everyday)

** 2018 (We Make You Album/Call Call Call Era) **

I got used to this feeling, the feeling of being outside of my body, looking in, trying to piece together how to act like a normal human being again. _He_ would be present sometimes when we recorded our albums, because he was still Bumzu's best friend and they seemed to never be apart. It was hard for me to focus on the member's parts, and I would get frustrated and snap at them.

"Jeonghan one more time, please," this will be the 8th time he's singing his part in 20 our Japanese version, I remember working on this song in 2014, I did the same thing then, making Jeonghan go through his part a hundred times.

Jeonghan agrees, but still glares at me sharply for speaking to him informally. I don't say anything, though. I been trying to take my studio, make it my own again, but your presence has already ruined it, I will have to wait again until I upgrade. This can not be my safe place when you're near.

"I thought it sounded good, Jeonghan," you lean over me to speak into the intercom, you lean on my chair rest, I elbow you hard, and I get a look from the other members in the room.

"Thank you," Jeonghan smiles, excited to get praise from an older artist.

"Okay ready?" and I hit play, putting my headphones on, and moving the chair over so you fall forward, and I watch in amusement as Dk and Joshua go to catch you at the same time.

Seungkwan catches my smirk and looks at me questioningly.

I look away.

No matter how long it's been you still hold so much power over me. I feel vulnerable in your presence, weak, and suddenly there's nothing I can do. You could do it again, so easily. And I wouldn't stop you, cause no matter how much I hate you. I fear you just a little more.

I always leave shocked, not understanding how he can act so normal, how he can act like _it_ never happened. I know I'll be sleeping on the couch tonight, near the front door so I'll know if you try to come in. 

"Hyung why do you hate Dong Geun?" Seungkwan asks, and your name, his name it makes my entire body cringe. I never want to hear his name again.

"I don't," I scoff, trying to keep my face from faltering, or revealing the truth, "What makes you think that?"

"You are awfully cold towards him," Dk says, and the 3 others nod.

I try to look at them like they are ridiculous. I pray they can't see through me.

"So? That doesn't mean I hate him."

I've never hated anyone so much in my life.

"Well there's no need to be rude," Seungkwan says, and Jeonghan agrees, looking at me harshly.

"You're very disrespectful in your studio. You need to watch yourself, stop being ignorant towards your hyungs."

I look to Joshua who hasn't said a word. He doesn't care for conflict but he is one of the older hyungs, so I still look at him for help. He looks away. We're nearing the dance studio, so I choose to ignore Jeonghan all together and walk ahead of them.

I don't bother to hold the door open for them, I let it shut before they can catch it.

When we get home I beat everyone else to the bathroom, and I ignore when they complain I'm taking too long. I can't tell them I have to get the feeling of you off me before I touch any of the furniture. You got too close to me today, I need to wash you away. I need to wash him away. And to do that I run the shower as hot as it goes.

I avoid the mirror while I strip of my sweaty clothes, I can somehow smell you on them. I step in the shower and I let it burn my skin. This is what pain feels like when it's happening in the present. I beg my body to know the difference. That today is not 4 years ago. Every day that I see you is not _that day_. Regardless my body won't listen to me. So I scrub my body until I can barely feel your finger tips. I can never get rid of you fully.

When I open my eyes, the first thing I do is check to make sure the front door is locked. I fell asleep on the couch, and I know I ate dinner, but I vaguely remember it. Entering the kitchen Mingyu, Seungkwan, S.Coups, and Jeonghan are the only ones awake.

"Good morning," Mingyu greets me, and I just grunt in response.

"We're having a meeting this morning, don't forget," S.Coups reminds me, but I'm pretty sure this is the first time I'm hearing this.

"Okay."

"We'll also approach anything else we need to talk about within the dorm, and the team. There's quite a few of us not getting along, or just needing to resolve petty conflict," S.coups says, and I hold my breath so I don't laugh in his face.

I finish stirring the creamer in my coffee, and turn to him, "You can just at me instead of talking through loops holes so you can make it seem like you're not talking about me. You know that right?"

I'm standing right in front of him, head tilted, I have this dull look I keep on my face so he can see that I don't think much of his words.

"It's not just you Jihoonie."

Ah, my nickname he uses when he feels bad.

"Okay then," I shrug, but I let him know I know he's lying with just a look.

Sometimes to really fulfill my needs for my body wanting to feel as dead as it is inside, I lay straight on my back in bed, and cover myself all the way over my head. I day dream about being dead, in the morgue. I can see them open me up and they see everything I've had to carry for years. They'll see how heavy I am on the inside, cause I've been holding so much inside, so many lies, and all the truths with it. Everyone will feel guilty for not noticing. And he will be tortured and thrown away, his body discarded like he did to mine. Sometimes this is the only thing that will get me through the day.

"So who wants to start?"

We just finished going over the arrangements of our comeback, all the places, and shows we'll be performing at, when our next interview is, when our next music video shoot is, and on and on. Now Jeonghan is taking over a moment, asking everyone who wants to start complaining. Or in his words, if there's anyone wants to speak up about something that's bothering them.

It's quiet for a long minute, then Dino is breaking the silence.

"I was thinking about dorm rules, I know we already have them but I feel like we should go over them. Just so everyone's reminded what they are."

He's low key pointing people out, and I envy the confidence to be able to do that. Everyone nods, I join for a split second, so they think I'm listening, or caring. I'm doing neither, but the effort should count.

"That's a good idea. There's a lot of you not following them, including myself sometimes," Seungkwan states, and he's pulling his phone out. He must have the rules written down in notes. I don't think I can remember a single one, besides 'pick up after yourself'.

"I have the list too," Dino adds.

"I'm pretty sure everyone does, you just have to go to pictures on our group chat," Mingyu states.

"Have you not noticed how many pictures everyone sends everyday?" I didn't mean to say it out loud, or to sound so harsh. I sit up from leaning my head against my hand on the table.

No one really says anything to that, but Joshua agrees with me. Probably to make up for not being on my side the other day.

Dino starts going through the rules, and I try my best not to drift off. Things like, wash your own dishes, clean up after yourself, put away food so it doesn't go bad, don't leave your shoes or dirty clothes laying around, don't borrow things without asking, be respectful when others are sleeping, and they stop at every rule and someone admits that they haven't been doing a good job with that particular rule, and they'll apologize and tell us they'll make it up. Dk hasn't been very good at cleaning his dishes, or bringing them out of his room. Hoshi leaves his dirty clothes piled on the laundry room floor instead of in a basket. Vernon loses track of his shoes and they wind up tripping others. Mingyu complains for a moment that no one else cleans, and everyone agrees while I nod dully. S.Coups gets onto everyone for it.

"Mingyu does do a lot of us, he's always cleaning," Jeonghan says.

"He ends up doing a lot of our laundry," Joshua adds, patting Mingyu on the back thankfully.

"Everyone needs to start pitching in," says S.Coups.

That's because he doesn't ask anyone to do it, he just assumes we won't and does it for us. I don't say this though, I know I'm on the way to being scolded too.

"Finally, we haven't established this rule much but I feel like we need to go back to what we did when we were trainees," Dino continues, "The system we thought up, so everyone gets equal shower time and there's no arguing."

He glances to me and I try to catch his eyes, but he looks away too quickly. _Look at me._

"That's a good idea," Jun says, and I try not to feel betrayed because I know everyone is talking about me, "I been taking pretty long showers, and I take really late showers, so I'll try to be better about that."

It doesn't occur to me until now, that I am not the main character. Not everything is my fault.

"And Woozi," Jeonghan says, and it's like needles have pricked my skin and I'm on high alert, "You have anything to say?"

"Nope."

"Come on Hyung, everyone is taking accountability. It's not just your fault, that's not what we are trying to say when we call each other out," Mingyu states, and I send him a death stare, Seungkwan watches, and I know he's keeping track of every time I act hostile towards others. 

"It's just a friendly reminder for everyone," S.Coups adds.

I just continue sitting there, and when no one says anything I get bored, "Well? You can call me out, friendly of course."

I make sure S.Coups knows I'm mocking him. He just shakes his head at me, giving up on me. Everyone does, it's okay, I want to tell him, I almost do.

"I'm sorry Hyung, but what is going on," Seungkwan suddenly says, and I almost let myself look taken back. Like shit, he's figured it out, he's noticing that I'm not okay, "I'm serious. Is something going on?"

This is my opening, he's just giving it to me, so easily, so quick. This is my chance to tell them what happened to me. Four years or not, they have to believe me. I won't be able to handle it if they don't. I don't know what I'll do if they don't.

Here it goes.

"You been so rude lately, not just to the members but everyone we work with."

And there it goes. All the hope that was left in bits inside me. Gone.

_"So selfish. So stupid. I know you're not so prove it to me. Prove it so I won't have to hurt you."_

_And when I don't move he scoffs._

_"Disrespectful. Are you always this fucking rude? Just do what you're told."_

"Nothing," I say and I know that's not good enough so I try to think, "it's just been stressful." (Being the only producer and nearly only song-writer is exhausting).

"That's no excuse."

"You're one to talk about respect," I spat and Seungkwan looks at me, mouth open, speechless, but angry.

"Huh?" He says loudly, and I can't stop myself from flinching this time, "When? Dong Geun Hyung hasn't done anything but help you, and us with recording, along with Bumzu Hyung, but you are so mean to Dong Geun. You act like he's our enemy."

_He is._

"He's just trying to help us," Hoshi says, cause he's seen it too, the glares, the shoulder checking, every chance I get I take to make _him_ wrong. To make him feel stupid.

"No he's not."

_No he's not._

"How? He helps us go over lines, and practice when you're busy with someone else," Seungkwan says, and I can tell he's fuming, it's taking all his strength to not jump out of his chair.

My heart drops, I get heavy. I need to lay down.

"You practice with him alone?" I say through gritted teeth.

I never want your name in my mouth.

"Hyung, you're not the only one we can get help from," Dino jumps in, aiding Seungkwan's side.

"I'm the one producing the album. You have to run that by me."

What I really want to say though is that you are not safe. They are putting themselves in danger being near you. But I have to tell myself they are smarter than me, they'll catch on quicker, they'll know if they're in trouble, unlike me. So then if something does happen, I won't feel at fault. Even though I know I would. It's already my fault. Everything is my fault.

"Now it's not a big deal," S.Coups puts his hand up, he knows when I'm about to lose it. And I am about to.

Not a big deal? Wow.

"Wow," I breathe out, and to be honest I could quit right now, I could walk out and never come back, but I know I'll calm down in a few hours and want to come back. No matter how angry they make me, the people in this room are the only people I trust. Sometimes I can't even do that.

"Have you and Dong Geun gotten into it without telling us?" Jeonghan is all of a sudden suspicious.

"No." I say too quickly, so I hurry to cover it up with, "I just don't like him. I can like people for no reason."

"Doesn't make it okay."

"So?"

I will never tell anyone. I promise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback and ideas are always welcome. Thank you for reading and the kudos.


	3. if i knew what safety looked like

If I knew what safety looked like I wouldn't have came back to Seoul 4 days early, I wouldn't have let you in my studio when no one was around and no one was near to hear me calling for help. Maybe if I knew what safety looked like I would tell someone what you did. 

But maybe no one knowing is safer than the latter. It'll be easier at least. 

We have too much to do anyways. I don't have time for truth, I don't have time to complain about you. I'm working on our next comeback before we even had this one, I have too much on my plate. And I still have to prove to the members that we don't need your help. The least I can do is protect them while I juggle two comebacks at once. Two comebacks with two completely different feelings to the era.

We are in the midst of day 2 of filming Call Call Call, and when I'm not being filmed I'm writing the last 2 songs to our next album, which I don't have a name for yet.

My hair feels heavy, because it's slicked back with grease, and hair gel. We're all layered in clothing, despite it being late April and it's not particularly cold outside anymore. We have two main filming locations, and today were finishing filming on the 4th & 5th floor of a car park . I'm sitting behind the cameras while I write and staff are moving the motorcycles so we can go film the dance more, and finish one of my main parts with S.Coups, Mingyu, Seungkwan, and Hoshi, where they trap me in a corner cause I have the phone, and Mingyu fake punches me.

"Are you ready hyung?" Mingyu appears behind me and I shut my notebook before he can look.

"For you to punch me? Sure."

"It'll be fake," he laughs.

Of course, I wish it wasn't, and it takes a lot for me to not think Mingyu wishes it too.

"Will it?" I turn to look at him.

"Ahh why would I punch you for real? I have no reason to?"

Dino laughs, "Are you sure about that?"

The8 hits him, but he still laughs. I do too, cause I could sit here right now and write up at least 20 reasons Mingyu would want to punch me for real.

"I love my hyung too much," he gushes, wrapping his arms around me.

I act irritated to cover the slight panic I feel every time someone touches me.

"Ew, get off."

We end up filming the part 11 times, and I get so irritated with Mingyu not making it look real enough, I tell the producer to just let him actually punch me. They can cover my bruise with makeup. I ended up being scolded after making it into an argument with S.Coups about how I need to take care of myself, and not see my body as disposable and something that 'will just heal anyways'. I tell him that's bullshit, but he's right. I don't see my body with any worth anymore, and I could care less what happens to it. It is disposable, and it's already been discarded by me, I just have to live in it. It's not my fault my body is already a bloody crime scene.

Or maybe it is.

Sometimes I am so tired I can't make it to the shower before everyone else, and I am too tired to fight with anyone. Sometimes the exhaustion takes over so much that my eyes are heavy and I have a hard time keeping them open. None of this is because I didn't sleep enough, sleeping is my extracurricular activity. My body becomes too much to carry around at times, and it effects my whole body.

I feel so hollowed out, nauseous, and _heavy_. When we get back to the dorm the first thing I do is lay down after stripping my shoes. I lay on the hard wood floor in the kitchen, and just stare at the ceiling while I listen to the others argue about the shower. Members step over me, and continue with their activities like I'm not here. I do this enough that they've stopped asking questions. I'm just trying to ground myself, I don't know what they think I'm doing.

"Hyung you can shower now, I've been out for 10 minutes and everyone else already showered," Vernon approaches me, standing above me, I moved a few feet so the members can walk around the kitchen and set up for dinner, even though we'll end up eating take out in the living room again. I can't remember the last time we've sat in the kitchen. We either eat separately or all together in the living room watching a drama or anime.

"It's okay. I'm just going to change for now."

"When we said you have to take shorter showers we didn't mean no showers at all," Wonwoo points out.

I sit up, and just stare at him for a minute, letting our eyes lock, "I know," I realize I didn't see him today, but it still feels like he's on me, "I'll take one tonight. Just not right now."

"Why?" Seungkwan questions, I don't know why Seungkwan is so observant, or so suspicious all of a sudden, but he's driving me crazy.

"I'm busy."

"Laying on the ground? We been home for 3 hours."

"So?"

I don't like them questioning me, but I've been saying 'so?' a lot lately, I need to start coming up with reasons so they don't think I'm trying to keep something from them. I am, but that doesn't matter. It's my business anyways.

"Nothing," Seungkwan waves it off.

The door bell ringing saves my ass from any more talking. 

"You know," we're all so hungry that we've been eating in silence for a good 5 minutes, and now Dino is breaking it, I want to tell him to shut up, "We'll be filming the next episode for Seventeen Club this week."

"Ahh yes, what episode will it be?" Dk asks.

"3?" The8 says, and I can't confirm it so I let another member do it.

"Yes. 3."

"Seungkwan hyung and Jeonghan hyung will be able to talk about their experience at Seoul's daycare," Dino says, trying to get a reaction out of them both. 

I focus on him, waiting for him to stop talking so I can continue to eat in peace. 

"Ahh the kids were so sweet and cute," Seungkwan recalls, putting his hands up to his chest.

"Daycare teachers are amazing, being able to do that all day," Jeonghan says.

"Isn't your sister going to college to be one?" Jun asks.

"Yeah, I didn't think it was that hard until we went ourselves."

"What do you think the new topic will be?" Dino pushes on, eating small bites after every sentence.

I put down my chop sticks. Dino can tell I am annoyed.

"What?" he asks.

"Ah. Nothing," I say back, I gather my food.

"Why you act so annoyed?"

"Cause I am," I laugh.

"What? By me?" And the other members just observe. Dino is very confrontational. But I can handle that.

"You talk too much," I state, and I see a flicker of hurt on his face, "No offense," I glance at everyone else then focus on Dino again, "I'm not that hungry, I'll put my leftovers in the fridge for whoever wants it."

I try to get out of there as fast as possible but Dino is throwing questions at me, asking why I'm annoyed by him and if he did something wrong.

No he didn't do anything wrong, but right now everyone's existence including my own is irritating and I just want to escape it for a minute.

My shoes on, hoodie over my arm, and keys slid in my pocket, I pause at the front door, cause I guess he does need an explanation, or at least know he didn't do anything wrong.

"You didn't do anything. Just stop talking."

I think about how mean I am as I shut the door. I wonder why it's taking them all so long to figure out that I'm not a good person, and I'm not the same person they knew 4 years ago, or even 2 years ago. 

I remember what I was like a year ago, when I thought I could get over this. Just because you weren't around much and you were doing your own thing, I thought I could get over it.

But you came back. You came back and everyone welcomed you with open arms, except me.

Sometimes I wonder if you even remember. Or if I might have dreamed it. And would I be able to tell the difference if I were? Probably not. Nothing makes sense anymore, and I don't know who I am.

That's for the best, cause I don't want to be a person like the one I just was. I need to learn how to control this, every emotion turning into rage. I need to figure out how to control it before I hurt someone.

I wish murder was legal. Just for 24 hours, even 8 hours would do. A 8 hour purge and I could get rid of you for good.

Every so often, often as in nearly every night, the nights I don't pass out from exhaustion, I pray. I don't believe in god, and I don't go to church, but I have been asking Joshua and Vernon a lot about manifestation and prayer. 

"Do you think manifestation works?"

I sit down with a box of food our managers given each of us, Joshua, Vernon, The8, and Jun are sitting around the table already started on their food.

"What have you been manifesting?" Jun asks.

"Nothing," I don't know what the point of lying is, "I just find it interesting."

"It is quite interesting," Vernon says, "If you truly believe in what you are manifesting I think it will work."

"I don't know, I think it depends on what you want to manifest. I think manifestation will make you work harder so you can reach your goal easier," The8 says, and I don't know how I could work harder towards getting rid of you, but I'm listening closely.

"Or your desire," Joshua says, and I nod along.

"If you are consistent, I do think it will happen," Vernon speaks, his mouth full but too interested in the conversation to stop for a moment to chew, "mediate on it, I bet that will help."

"I can't imagine Woozi meditating," Jun jokes, and I smile.

"I'll still try."

"I can lead you through meditation if you'll like. Or I can send you links. It's really cool, but you have to put your full attention in it and have no distractions."

"Thanks Vernon-ah," I say, and though I took like 6 bites, I stand up to go throw it away.

"No problem."

I trust the members, they may be the only ones I actually trust, but I still can't be in a room alone with only one member at a time. When ever we play rock paper scissors to determine which three of us will be sharing a room, and which of us will be sharing a bed. I always volunteer myself to stay in the room with 3 of us, instead of 2. The members are always confused on why, cause I do enjoy my space and alone time, but they don't question me. Nobody wants to share a room with one extra person then necessary. The biggest problem though is when I have to share a bed. S.Coups, Vernon, Joshua, and Wonwoo, I can admit I trust the most. I trust them just a little more just because every time I imagine each member trying to take advantage of me I can't picture their faces. Though I want to believe wholeheartedly that no member would do something like that, I still try to be cautious. The people I trust, can easily become the people that I despise. Anyone is capable of doing what you did to me. Anyone. And the thought of that scares me so much.

Mingyu, Dino, Seungkwan, and Hoshi scare me the most. Mingyu is just so much bigger than me all he would have to do is use one arm to hold me down. Hoshi is scary when he's angry, so I don't like imagining him when he can't get what he wants. Dino is overall intimidating, and I don't think he fears anything, and we just don't get along, we're too different. Seungkwan is confident, what ever he thinks he can do, I don't have a doubt that he would do it, maybe not assault, but anything he sets his mind to he does successfully. I don't think any of them would do something so awful, I trust them that they wouldn't hurt me purposely. But I know they are capable, because everyone is capable of doing horrible things. And because I've had dreams that they have I don't trust them when I am alone. I can't sense real danger. Everything is danger now. No where is safe.

So while were in the beginning of small promotions for our next mini comeback, we are once again staying at a hotel for our 'vacation'. I get stuck with Dino and Mingyu, and me and Dino almost have to share a bed until S.Coups says that won't be a good idea and I end up sharing with Mingyu, cause I lose rock paper scissors for the 3rd time.

I love Mingyu, I really do. I love him just as much as I love all the members. But sharing a bed with him is possibly the most nerve wracking thing I've had to do while on 'vacation' with the members. I end up sleeping through the day, and staying up at night. Mingyu can sleep with the lights on but Dino gets annoyed with me pretty quickly.

"Hyung can't you just go to sleep?"

I don't understand why he's still complaining, I turned all the lights off, when he first started complaining and now I'm sitting in the chair in the corner typing on my laptop.

"What else do you need Dino? I turned the lights off."

Mingyu isn't snoring or breathing evenly so I know he's awake. He's very good at ignoring us.

"You're typing obnoxiously."

"I'm working on our next album."

"Well can you work on it tomorrow?"

"No. I won't remember what I wanted to write tomorrow."

He sighs, and turns towards the wall, "Of all people I had to share a room with it had to be you."

I laugh, "I'm not too thrilled myself."

"You don't have a reason to not be. I don't bother you."

"You're bothering me right now."

"Hyung with all due respect shut up."

I scoff, but I don't have a comeback to that. So all I say is, "Okay."

I shut my laptop loudly, slide the hotel key off the table and shut the door as quietly as possible behind me.


	4. will this anger ever dissipate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: mention of r4pe between a minor and an adult

Night time is the only time I get out, and I'll make sure to stay out of the room as long as I can. There's moments that I could unleash all my anger out on who ever pisses me off in a moment. For some reason I still have the self control to not do that. I don't know how, cause I still blurt out things I shouldn't say out loud, and I uncontrollably hurt the other members feelings without wanting to. I don't know why I'm so desensitized by hurt, or why I'm so numb to it. I guess it's just another thing I have to get used to.

"Hyung?"

I know it's Mingyu, the tall silhouette and the deep voice indicates that it's Mingyu. I still don't turn around though. There's a part of me that's still terrified, and even though I just heard him, and I see that he's the one behind me, when he touches my shoulder and sits next to me I flinch. I try not to flinch too hard, but I can't help how much fear I have built up inside me. After all these years every hand that touches any part of my body I can still imagine it as yours.

"You okay?"

"Yes," I lie, I don't see any point of saying no, it's not like I'll tell him the truth when he asks why.

"Okay," he's hesitate, "You been quiet these days."

I know.

"Is writing stressful?"

"Yes," because I need a reason on why I'm here, and why I'm still awake, why I'm working when we're supposed to be on a vacation with fun promo activities, "Just stuck, and when I get inspiration I have to capture it."

"It looks like you have." He sees my laptop open, words, and words gathered across the screen.

I shut it.

"I guess."

I wonder if he can see through me.

"You know Dino is just tired, he didn't mean to be harsh."

"Well I meant it."

I don't know why I say it, or why I even had to say anything. I am so mean sometimes.

"No you didn't," Mingyu smiles, but I look away.

The pool is technically closed but I like the smell of chlorine along side the outdoors smell, besides they didn't put much effort in locking the gate, in fact it was open when I came out.

"No I didn't," I agree.

"Then why do you say those things."

"What things?"

"I know you're just a very straight forward person but you have been a lot more harsh towards Dino lately, and Seungkwan too, but that's because he points it out."

He's right. No matter how badly I want to prove him wrong, and give excuses. He's right.

"Maybe I'm just a bad person Mingyu."

It feels like I have another me talking sometimes, another me that's bold, that doesn't care about the response, cause the me now, will have to deal with it.

"Don't say that. You know you're not."

"I don't," I am not whole, I have divided parts with different opinions, "I don't know that."

"Okay, then I'm telling you now Hyung, you're not a bad person."

I wish I could believe him, looking at him I know he's being sincere but I can not take it seriously. Because he is wrong. What ever he thinks of me in this moment, it'll change by the time he wakes up tomorrow. I don't stay the same person for more then 24 hours. I start over, every day it feels as if I am someone else, or perhaps I am getting closer to the person I actually am.

_He explores the terrain of my body like it's the first time he's ever felt one. I can tell he finds pleasure in just the fact of being bigger than me. He must be thinking about how easy this will be. He negotiates the terms like I have a choice on being here._

_"You want this." He says._

_And he makes me believe it for a second, makes me want to want it, sliding his hand in places I know they shouldn't be. I am not 19 yet, I am not an adult, this is illegal._

_I don't tell him that though, cause he knows how old I am and he knows what he's doing. He just doesn't care._

_I think in my head if I'll have to go to the doctor or not, and if I do, I practice what I'll say, 'I'm 19. I am legal, or almost legal. I am old enough to make the decision that I do not want to report'. I doubt I'll remember that by tomorrow._

_I wait until for it to be over._

"Can I switch roommates? Or can we trade Woozi for someone else? Anyone else?"

I can hear Dino talking, and he must think I'm asleep, or maybe he wants me to hear him.

"You two have to figure it out. You live together." It's The8, I mentally thank him for being the reason at all times.

"Woozi Hyung doesn't want to figure it out, he doesn't listen to anyone. He's disrespectful towards everyone, and just mean. I don't know why you and S.Coups hyung let it go this far. It's like pre-debut again."

"Now he does listen," Jeonghan says, "and you know he's just stressed, he doesn't mean any of it."

"Now we all know that's not true," I can't help but feel hurt when Seungkwan says that, "He's been off lately."

"Maybe we'll be able to talk it out with Kim Hwan-nim," The8 says.

And there's some hum of agreement.

"He's just so frustrating to talk to."

I know they're talking about me again. And even though my whole body tells me to stay put, I sit up. They are all facing away from me, except Vernon and Wonwoo who are sitting next to me, so they see me sit up and open my eyes.

"He just doesn't listen."

I look to Vernon and Wonwoo who are staring at me waiting for my reaction, I smirk, I find this hilarious.

"He listens. He just doesn't care what any one else wants to say."

I shrug looking at Vernon and Wonwoo, they are patiently waiting for me to say something, I smile at them, I nod my head to their words. Wonwoo looks suspicious about my actions but Vernon can't help but laugh.

Seungkwan turns around them, and his entire face drops, "Oh. Hyung-"

"Wow the Boo Seungkwan speechless never thought I would see the day," I say sarcastically as possible, and suddenly I'm mad, "What? You can continue."

"Woozi-ah," Wonwoo warns, and he looks to Jeonghan for help, but no body knows what to say.

I glance at Wonwoo then back at them, "Huh? I was here the whole time, no need to start acting like you care now."

"Woozi-ah let's drop it," Jeonghan says, and he's about to stand up, I don't know what he's thinking.

Rage consumes my body, cause how dare they talk about me behind my back, and while I'm in the same room. How dare they assume things about me that aren't true. I can make them true. I can make everything they said true.

"Why?" Vernon's smile disappears, so I know I must look serious, "You didn't bother to say anything."

"No. I did Woozi, I-"

"I don't care, you're right, I don't care. Why should I?" I make sure to focus on Dino and Seungkwan, glancing The8 and Jeonghan.

"See. You hurt the other members feelings and you don't care," Dino calls me out, I know he's right even just a little, but I can't have them think that.

"No. I said I don't care what any one has to say, I didn't say I don't care about hurting member's feelings."

"The lack of apology shows just that." I know Dino's being sarcastic and it takes everything in me to not hit him.

"Why should I care what everyone has to say," I stand up, and I can't tower over him to make myself feel superior, I am shorter than every single person in this building, and for some reason that makes me angrier, why am I so misfortuned. What did I do to deserve this? I take a step back, my confidence faltering, "No body gives a shit what I have to say. Why should I give a fuck what you have to say?"

"No one has said that."

"How does it feel to have words put into your mouth," I spat back, and Jeonghan is by my side, ready to jump between us, "I try to. I'm trying," and I can feel the lump in my throat, if I'm not careful the truth will come out, "Why would I try to listen? All we'll get out of it is more hurt. I don't tell anyone anything, and none of you have picked up on it."

I know my words make no sense, and I can see the confusion on all their faces, I don't know how to speak properly cause I haven't done it in so long.

"We don't understand a word you are saying Hyung," The8 says, and he looks sympathetic.

I'm so pathetic. I don't want to be done being mad. I haven't felt anything for so long I want to continue feeling.

"It doesn't matter. The words I say everyone will twist and make it about them." I just want it to be about me for once. I want all the attention on me, "What do you want an apology? You said lack there of, so I'm guessing you might want one. Hate to break it to everyone but sorrys don't mean shit. Sorry doesn't fix anything. Sorry doesn't fix what's already been done. I care if I've hurt someone's feelings. Don't ever say I don't," Jeonghan's arm is on my shoulder, while I point in Dino's face, "I do care."

I look at Seungkwan, I get in his face as much as I can with his 5 or 6 inch advantage, "If you have something to say about me. Say it to my face. I've never talked about any member behind their back. Fucking pathetic."

I make sure he doesn't see the hurt on my face, but I know he sees through the facade. I know he can see my pain. I know, because he's on the verge of tears, I forget how sensitive he is. Maybe he's not feeling mine, he's probably feeling his own hurt. Of course he is, cause my hurt is not the only hurt in this world, despite how much of it there is.

I stare at him, and I watch as his eyes fill. And because I care so much, I walk away. What a great fucking Hyung I am.

Jeonghan has Dino and Mingyu switch out with Hoshi and Dk, so now I'm sharing a room with them instead. I haven't left my room since our promotions this morning, and I don't plan to either. 

"Hyung," there's a knock at the door, and I know it's Seungkwan, so I get up to unlock it.

"Hey," I say, and the anger is gone, I'm back to being numb, I wonder if he can tell.

"Hey," he says back, he has a plastic bag of food in his hand, "Have you ate?"

"No."

I pull over another chair for him to sit down, "I got white rice, and Jjajangmyeon I hope that's enough."

"It's plenty."

He starts pulling out everything, putting it in the middle of the table, then he pulls out a bottle of coke sliding it towards me. I smile while taking it.

"I'm sorry," he suddenly says and he's really cautious about his words, he's hesitate too, "I know sorry doesn't change anything, and you're right it doesn't fix anything that's already been done."

Not exactly, but I do feel thankful for him trying.

"It's okay Seungkwan-ah. And though sorry doesn't fix it, I do feel bad for making you cry."

"I shouldn't talk about you behind your back. If I have a problem I'll come to you personally."

"That really hurt, you know." And it's too late to take it back, it's already left my mouth.

"I really am sorry."

"I know. I'm just saying it cause I know I'm not good at expressing my feelings. But I don't get hurt easy Seungkwan-ah. My walls are built too high for that."

"You don't have to have walls around us Hyung. And not around me especially. I cry over everything, I can handle it if you need a shoulder."

"I don't need anything." I almost believe it.

"Everyone needs help sometimes."

"I don't," I say it too confidently, Seungkwan looks concerned, "No one can help me," I smile at him, telling him silently that it's okay, "I can be my own shoulder. It's okay."

But what I really mean is, my body is too heavy for him. I have too much you'll want to help carry, and it'll just drag us both down. I can promise you, you are not strong enough. I don't think anyone is.

"No it's not," he says, not smiling back, but frowning, "I'm really worried about you Hyung. We all are."

"Don't be."

"Hyung-"

"I mean it Seungkwan. Don't worry about me. I will be okay."

God please, please let me be okay. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Side note: In Korea you are not a legal adult until you are 20, meaning Woozi was a minor want he was assaulted, making it illegal.
> 
> Side side note: he made himself a year older so the doctors would be more lenient on not calling a guardian, and because they assumed it wasn't assault and didn't ask specific questions they weren't required to do anything, like report it.


	5. respect those you hate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: r4pe mentioned. r4pist mentioned, and makes appearance.

The reality is that in order for me to survive, so much of me had to become unreal. A part of me had to die in order for the rest of me to keep going. I may grow again but I'll never be the same. It is impossible to heal in the same environment you were hurt in.

I am not healed, and I don't think I'll be able to start until you are no longer in my life.

I am not ready. I am not ready for that. I'm not ready for anyone to know yet. I am not ready to do anything about you yet. I am not strong enough. Not yet. Not yet. Not yet.

Our 3rd episode of Seventeen club favored Dino, Seungkwan, and Mingyu in every way. Respect things you hate. That was the topic Dino was so eager to know. Respect those you hate, that's what I gotten from it. I respect my members, cause every one of us as been apart of the work of continuing forward instead of backward. We earn awards in all different categories because we listen and learn from each other's talent. I am thankful to my members because I don't know where else I could be if it weren't for them.

Though the episode was fun, and interesting, and I learned something new. Now the members have been using this method to shoot me down along with any other member that says something negative towards another member or person. So every time I bring up how I don't like you going over lyrics with them, they simply reply with, 'respect things you hate'. Because after all you are just trying to help.

"Will you be fine without me?" Bumzu jokes, we're coming near the end of another meeting, we're already talking about starting lyric memorizing for our next mini album even though we have a week until the release of We Make You.

"I can take care of everything," I smile at him, hoping I am convincing.

"Ah I can have Dong Geun come by, that way you can get twice as much work done without the overworking part," Bumzu says, and your name still makes me feel queasy.

"No need," I wave him off, and everyone looks at me.

"We don't need anyone falling unwell, Hyung," Vernon says, and I nod understanding, cause I'm trying to approach with caution, without alerting them, or making them feel like they'll need to have someone else.

"I haven't been overworking," I try to speak as calmly as possible, but I am panicking, "He doesn't know how I want the lyrics to sound. So sure they'll memorize them but what ever members he'll have I'll have to work twice as hard to get them to unlearn how ever they thought the lyrics sounded in their heads."

I think I made a good point, I know cause members are agreeing with me, realizing something they haven't gave a thought about.

"That's true. However you can easily fix that by working together on how you want the lyrics to sound so he knows what he's doing," Bumzu says, and all the members agree, I feel pinned against.

"As in work with him alone?"

"I would do it Woozi-ssi but I can't miss my own promotions with Raina-noona."

"I know," I say, and I feel like crying, "I can't work with him alone."

"Why not?"

"I work better alone."

"You work with me fine."

"You're you. I'm comfortable with you cause we been working together for so long."

"You'll get used to him. He's a good guy, Woozi, and he'll listen to you. He won't try to change anything. As soon as you have a problem with him you can call me," he reassures.

I think about calling him right now. Pulling my phone out and dialing Bumzu's number. No, they'll think it's a joke, a rude joke.

I already have a problem with him. Please don't leave me alone. I can't be alone with him.

"Okay."

_Why am I agreeing?_

_What am I doing?_

_Stop._

"Okay. All I'm asking is for you to try it. If you don't think you are compatible, call me," he's gathering his things. _Stop._

"I have a flight in 3 hours, so I'll leave you too it."

The other members stand to bow, some hug him. I don't move. My body is glued to this chair.

"Don't miss me too much," he wraps his arms around me and I flinch, "You okay?"

"Y-yeah. I won't miss you much."

_Why did I say that?_

He laughs, messing up my hair, "Okay, bub. I'll see you all later."

"Hoshi Hyung," the other members are out, eating, shopping, exploring. We're back in Japan, we been here for a while. Hoshi stayed back with me, cause he just wanted a day inside.

"Hmm?"

"Dong Geun is coming this evening."

I can't express how wrong your name feels on my tongue. Another promise broken.

"I heard," he looks up from his phone, "You know he's your hyung."

It's a light scolding. I can't call you hyung. You don't deserve it. In fact, you deserve nothing.

"I know."

Hoshi looks at me for a moment, probably trying to figure me out, "What's really going on between you and Dong Geun hyung?"

I tense up, but Hoshi's eyes are still on me. I try not to let him see through me.

"Is there an actual reason you hate him?"

"Yes."

My goddamn mouth won't shut the fuck up.

He waits for me to finish, but gets impatient, "What is it?"

"It's between me and him."

"Really? You haven't done anything to solve it."

"I know."

"Woozi," he makes me look at him, "You both are so intense around each other, what happened? What did he-"

"Hey!" we both jump at the sudden door slamming open, "Sorry, sorry," you bow 90 degrees twice, "Didn't me to startle you both. S.Coups gave me his key so I can just come up to set my stuff down."

I haven't seen you in months. For months, it was almost easy for me to breathe. Except now, now my lungs feel like they are collapsing, and my chest is tightening, and I know, I know I am going to throw up but I hold my breath so I don't.

"Hyung. I thought you were coming this evening," Hoshi stands and they shake hands, you even pull him into a quick hug.

"I wanted to get here sooner so I wouldn't be that tired tomorrow."

"Ahh. Actually hyung, can me, you, and Woozi talk?" Hoshi looks back at me, reassuringly, but when Hoshi looks at me, I lock eyes with you, you look at me with so much disgust and hatred. You must think I betrayed you.

"Oh?" he's back to looking innocent, even confused, "What's going on? Is everything okay?"

He says it like he cares. If I didn't know what you were really like I would fall for it too. Hoshi looks confused now, but he sits back down next to me, placing a hand on my knee. I pull my knee away.

"We all have noticed, how you both act around each other. Don't you think we should solve what ever is bothering you both if you're going to work together?"

Your face softens, looking back at Hoshi, "You're right. I'm so sorry, I didn't realize we were making the rest of the members uncomfortable, with our little feud."

Hoshi looks at me, and I try not to look as confused as he is.

"Feud?" Hoshi asks.

"It's not a big deal. Or at least I thought it wasn't," he glances at me, and so does Hoshi.

When I don't speak he continues, "Well you see, I'm assuming Woozi hasn't told any of you anything?"

Hoshi shakes his head, now invested. I don't have to know what you're going to say to know he'll believe you.

"I know this sounds like such a long time ago, and it truly was. I thought we could just get past it, but I guess Woozi still has a grudge," he looks at me, "You know you could've just came to me," he pauses, maybe waiting for a reaction out of me, and when I just keep sitting here, he continues, "4 years ago, right before you all debuted, me and Woozi got into it, just a little fight. Nothing physical I promise. I would never put my hands on anyone, and it defiantly wasn't necessary to do so anyways."

"What was the fight about?"

"The first album. I told Woozi-ah that it wasn't at the best of his abilities," Hoshi looks at him with anger in his face, "and I admit, I was harsh, and that wasn't okay for me to say. I apologized since. And Woozi really proved to me that I was wrong. I mean you all wouldn't have gotten your first win if it weren't for Woozi. I said awful things," he changes his glaze to me, "I really am sorry. I had some anger issues back then, but I promise I'm different now. I will be more mindful with my words in the future."

You keep bowing slightly towards me, to prove to Hoshi you actually are 'sorry'. 

I just sit there in pure shock. My mouth gaping, and I don't think I can speak.

"You-" ( _raped me_ ).

_Say it._

_"_ Y-"

"Hoshi, I'm sorry, but can I speak with Woozi alone?"

I'm frozen in panic and fear.

"Uh. Sure, I'm going to go to the cafe across the street. Meet me there after?" Hoshi looks between us.

"Of course. Save us seats."

"Woozi-ah," Hoshi looks at me, he's worried still, I can see it.

I glance at you then look back at Hoshi.

"I'm okay Hoshi Hyung. You go. We'll meet up."

"Okay," he gives a bow towards you, and you bow back.

"Thank you Hoshi-ssi for listening. You really didn't have to. I apologize sincerely again."

"It's okay Hyung, I understand. You've proved you are different now. Thank you for explaining, I'm sorry I got in the middle of your business."

"Don't be. I didn't realize there was still something to get in the middle of."

Hoshi laughs then, at your smile, "Woozi-ah is known to hold grudges. Woozi don't be hard on him, okay?"

I nod, but I'm screaming.

I'm screaming, don't leave me. Please don't leave me. But he still shuts the door behind him. Dong Geun sits down next to me on the couch.

"I didn't know you were still upset, Woozi-ssi. You should've came to me instead of bothering the other members."

"What-"

He puts his hand on my mouth. And I squeeze my eyes shut then, gripping the couch arm rest tightly.

"Just listen, okay."

_Why are you talking so gently?_

"I really am sorry. Can we please move past this? We have work to get done, and I just want to help."

I try not to cry.

"I'll let you get yourself together," he sits back, removing his hand, "I'll wait here."

He pulls out his phone like he's a friend waiting on me to finish getting ready so we can hang out.

"You-"

"Hoshi probably already ordered. Let's hurry, okay?"

I stand up, backing up away from him so if I have to run I can have a few seconds head start. 

"Woozi."

I feel for the bathroom knob behind me. You stare at me calmly, waiting for me to acknowledge you.

"What?" I finally say, and I can't believe I can talk.

"Do you forgive me."

He stares intently. I know there's only one right answer.

"Yes."

"Good. Now we can finally move past this."

_How? I want to ask. How?_

I don't sleep while we stay at the hotel. I sleep back stage, in the van, on the airplane. I no longer feel safe anywhere. And I can't wait to get home.

I have never felt this alone before.

_-3 weeks later-_

I'm in the in between of being awake and being asleep. I'm just drifting, floating. I can hear my own voice.

_"Hi you must be Dong Geun. Bumzu told me you were coming," I see myself standing to bow._

_"It's nice to meet you, Woozi-ssi."_

_"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you were older."_

_"It's okay, no need to apologize."_

It's like I'm back there, but not as myself. I'm someone else, a bystander. A bystander that knows exactly what's going to happen in the next hour.

_"Woozi?"_

_"I've seen you around but I didn't know you were a producer."_

_"I'm a man of many talents," he jokes, but he's serious, and I can see now that he wasn't talking about music._

_"Woozi?"_

_The boy. Me. I see myself not quite understand, but laughing anyways to be polite._

_"Woozi?"_

_Get out of there. I scream, but they can't see me. Me can't see me._

_"Woozi?"_

My body retches forward, the back of my shirt soaked in sweat. I look around, I fell asleep while we were all watching a movie. My body screams at me from laying in an uncomfortable position for so long.

"I was trying to wake you up for 5 minutes," Seungkwan is sitting next to me, hand still on my shoulder, I push his hand off me, he looks at me concerned, "Did you have a nightmare?"

"No, I'm just covered in sweat for no reason."

I stand up, gathering my plate. You are all over me.

"Hyung," he reaches out to grab my arm again, "Are you okay?"

"Please don't touch me, Seungkwan-ah," I pull away too frantically, I weave myself through the other member's mingled bodies on the floor who are all staring at me not knowing what to say or do, "I'm taking a shower," I announce, throwing my food away, I disappear down the hall. 

I will never forgive you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know you all will be so angry when you see the way Dong Geun is acting. My rapist acted the same way when he wasn't abusing me. He still acted like my best friend, still gave me advice, and still told me he would always be there for me, while simultaneously abusing me. He showed me genuine concern, and in my eyes genuinely worried about me, in reality though he was grooming me. It became so confusing, I convinced myself the abuse wasn't happening or that it was normal. It went on for so long, because he didn't act like an stereotypical abuser, he acted like a trusted friend. I was more afraid of losing him as a friend then getting rid of him as my abuser. My abuser made me feel like I wasn't being abused and this goes to show how gas lighting and manipulation works. I couldn't admit I was abused until I got away from him permanently.


	6. it can not be undone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: r4pist appearance.

You have been spending too much free time with the members. I'm anxious and worried, and it feels as if I am being hyper-vigilant for no reason, cause the members they love you, and you and Jun are becoming close. Jun is quiet, but you made him feel comfortable enough that he jokes around with you. You acknowledge all their jokes, and laugh, giving them advice when I'm hard on them during one of their parts. Dino talks about you like you are a saint. You've helped him so much. The growing hatred for you doesn't falter, it doesn't change. I am scared you will hurt my brothers. I promise myself I would hurt you first.

"S.Coups that was really good," you lean into my mic, my impulsive side wants me to hit you.

S.Coups smiles brightly, I don't tend to give them praise, I say 'ah good' or 'ah lets try something else', and I know that's my fault.

"Hyung," I turn the mic back on, cutting S.Coups 'thank you' off, "When you get to the second verse, make sure you hit each note. They're starting to blend together."

He nods, and apologizes, you give him a thumbs up, I can't help but roll my eyes.

We're working with the hip-hop unit today, so Mingyu, Vernon, and Wonwoo are on the couch behind us, cheering each other on.

"One more time," I say for the 5th time, Mingyu is getting irritated but he keeps going until I tell him to stop.

"How about a break?" you say, looking at me for permission. 

How ironic.

20 minutes has past and Mingyu is finally stepping out of the recording room, I shake my head though, glancing at the members disappointed looks. I've been holed up in the studio for 8 hours, I want a break too.

"We have Vernon and Wonwoo left. We're already half way done. Let's keep going," I point to Vernon, "you're up."

A hour later, and we finally can wrap it up, the others are talking with you while I'm stuck with picking up everything, putting everything back where it should be. I don't notice that everyone's gone until I hear the door close.

I sigh with relief thinking that I'm alone.

"You did a good job today," you speak softly, gently, like you are such a kind person, and I should give you a break.

"Thanks."

You approach me, and my body tenses up, and I'm not sure which mode I'm entering but it's not flight. You lean down and pick up papers I have dropped under the desk, on your knees you look up at me and smile. You smile at me not like I'm a friend, but like an object you are admiring. You stand back up, towering over me. Your hand reaches up and I flinch back, you aren't fazed the slightest as your finger lightly touches my cheek.

"You might want to try a new face mask, you are starting to break out."

And just like that, you set the papers down and you are gone. The door shuts behind you, and I rush to lock it this time. This time I make one less mistake. 

"Want any help hyung?" Dk asks, and it's like I'm stepping back into reality again.

I'm standing in front of the bathroom mirror, my face half covered in black clay face mask. Dk has a sheet mask on already. I nod, glancing up at him, I hand him the face mask tube.

"The8 is getting red wine out, do you want any?" Joshua peaks into the bathroom, unfazed by Dk using his fingers to apply black liquidity clay to my face, that I am fully capable of doing myself.

"Yeah, I'll take a glass Hyung," Dk smiles, looking back to the door way where Joshua leans.

"Woozi?"

"No."

"Just checking. I'll get you a coke."

"Thanks," I mumble even though he's already gone.

"Have you ever tried red wine before?" Dk hums, finishing up, just covering my forehead last.

"Yes," I say, "It's okay."

"We'll find alcohol you like, one day."

"Mm-hmm, sure."

He laughs, closing the cap with a quick snap, "all done."

We join the others, and by others I just mean, The8, Jeonghan, Joshua, and Jun. Everyone else is either asleep, or playing games in Vernon and Seungkwan's room.

"We haven't picked a game yet," Jeonghan says, "we can't decide."

Everyone has a glass of red wine, except me, who's handed a soda. I feel like the kid during the holidays allowed to stay up late with the adults.

"Black Jack poker?" I ask, and mostly they are confused. 

We end up playing uno, easier to figure out when it's one sober person, and 5 drunks. We almost make it through the whole game but Jun ends up making the cards into 'flying carpets' like Aladdin, aiming them at each of us and acting as if they are frisbees. I take the time as they are all laughing on the ground, to get up and peel the dried mask off my face.

I reappear at the end of the hall watching them how I left them, laughing and joking, spilling some wine on themselves, and continuing to throw cards at each other. I decide they wouldn't notice if I just went to bed. 

It's the beginning of July, and were just finished with recordings, meaning I don't have to keep seeing you nearly every day. You Make My Day, came out exactly how I wanted it, and by the way I didn't take any of your advice, cause it meant nothing to me.

We been practicing Oh My! for almost 4 days now, and I think I'm finally getting it down. My hair was bleached to a white, and this comeback has such a up feel to it, I feel obligated to be joyful, or at least act it. 

Jun is a very affectionate member, I don't mind, usually. He likes to cling to each of us until we get annoyed, and even then he just finds it funny. Jun is too light heart-ed, too bright, and loving. I worry about him the most, cause you and him have been very close. Jun is good at making friends, even if he's quiet, everyone adores him. But today, he's testing my patience. I can't snap at him, cause he's my hyung, and he's always so gentle. If I told him to stop though, would he stop?

Around the beginning of Oh My!, me and Jun go to the one side, Wonwoo and Hoshi on the other, while the other members continue dancing. Jun approaches me every 5 seconds, poking at my sides, and trying to squish my face. It's all playful, so I try to not let it get to me.

But his hands, his hands are touching places your hands have touched, and I can't discern the difference. I mistake my hands for yours sometimes. So how am I supposed to be able to tell.

"Stop," I whisper as Jun approaches me again, he still pokes my side.

He goes back for a few seconds, then comes back up to me again squishing my face, I push him away harder this time, "Stop Hyung."

He smiles at me, "What am I doing?"

"Touching me."

"But Woozi-ssiiiii," I roll my eyes, keeping my head down so he can't observe my annoyed face. Jun can be such a child. It makes me try harder not to snap at him.

"Jun Hyung," I start, but we're already cued in to dance by the music.

Jun, The8, Wonwoo and me are watching a Chinese drama, with Korean subtitles. I don't mind subtitles at all neither does Wonwoo, I suppose since he likes reading quite a lot. So it's the four of us, eating take out on the couch watching a Chinese drama, and for once I feel nearly relaxed. Wonwoo is paying close attention, me and Jun are in the middle, and The8 is more focused on swirling his wine then looking at the screen. Which I guess doesn't matter since he can just listen.

"Woozi-ssi I got you some wine coolers when me and Minghao went shopping, they're really sweet, I think you would like them," Jun puts his hand on my thigh while he talks, then pats my knee, "Want to try one?"

I shrug, then give a nod, cause I just want some space for a few seconds. 

Jun returns with a bottle with a picture of a lime and light green liquid. He screws the cap off easily and hands it to me with a grin. He's excited for my reaction so I take a drink instantly and smile back at him.

"It's good hyung."

It's so sweet that it feels like I'm drinking juice, and not an alcoholic beverage. I keep getting up to get another every time I see the credits roll at the end of each episode. When I get up for the 4th time, Wonwoo grabs my arm, I'm unsteady and he has to stand to help me regain my balance.

"I think you had enough."

The front door opens, like on cue before I can protest, and I take that chance while they're distracted again to go get another. I open the fridge and stare at the six pack, with only two left. I watch as another arm reaches over me and grabs one of them, leaving me with one. I grab it first just so I can assure that it's mine, then I turn around. I am met with chest, and for a second I'm confused before I realize, no this is normal, I am just short. I laugh at myself, and I look down, they have my slippers on, spare ones, but still mine. I whip my head back up, and I make eye contact with him. With you.

"Hey," you smile, and my chest falls, and the high I felt is gone, and I just want to be gone with it.

"What are you doing here?" I ask as I push past him to get to the members in the living room.

"I invited him," Jun smiles at me, tapping my unopened bottle with his glass of wine.

"Thank you by the way," I feel your breath on my neck as you speak.

My skin crawls, my spine tingles. I want to be gone. I use my shirt to swiftly uncap my bottle. I lock eyes with Wonwoo as I chug my drink.

You take my place, and everyone moves over, Jun and The8 move to the floor so we can start a game of Apples to Apples.

I stand there for a minute, you smile up at me and Wonwoo is watching us intently. Everything is a haze, and the alcohol makes me relax again. No matter how much my body declares that we can not relax around you, I can not seem to care much, because I am floating, and I am not here. Your arm wraps around my waist as you pull me down to sit down on the couch.

"I thought you don't drink Woozi-ssi."

"I bought those fruity drinks, and I guess he really enjoys them," Jun says, laughing a bit, he's shuffling.

"Too much," The8 states, "You should slow down. We have a day off tomorrow you should enjoy it instead of being hungover."

"I'll be fine."

"Yeah I just started drinking, I'll take care of him if he drinks too much," your arm rests behind me.

There is every possible alarm going off in my brain, telling me to, get out, get out, get out. I push them all away, and get up and move to the floor between The8 and Jun. A compromise.

You can touch me now, I want to tell Jun. Show me I can trust you, and that I am safe in your arms. This dorm is infected now, by his presence, by his scent. Will I ever be able to sit on that couch again? Probably not. Will I ever be able to play this card game without associating it with you? Probably not. The cup he's pouring his drink in, and adding hard liquor to, I will have to break it, so none of the members put there hands on something he has used, he has infected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: next chapter will be continuing, I just broke it up in two parts so it wasn't super long.


	7. I can't wait to leave this place, but I guess I'm stuck here for now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Mention of r4pe, and v0mit

_How did I get here?_

I am leaning into Wonwoo, as my whole weight leans into him.

"Hyung," I mumble, but it sounds more like, "h-ummmm-ung."

"I got you, we're almost there."

_Almost where?_

I try to take in my surroundings, but it's too dark.

"Let me help you Wonwoo-ssi," that all too familiar voice enters my ears, and I clutch onto Wonwoo tighter. Pleading with him silently to not let that man, that intruded on our home, put a hand on me. Please don't let him near me. I can't fight him off. I don't think I can even stand by myself.

I remember then why I hate alcohol so much, it takes too much away from me. It leaves me too vulnerable, too dependent.

"That's okay hyung. I think it's best if I take care of Woozi. He's more comfortable with that."

"Well how do you know?"

"Cause I know Woozi. With all due respect, hyung, please stay out of it."

There's a cheer team in my head cheering Wonwoo on. I can trust him. Oh thank god, I can trust him. I can't help the tears that leave my eyes, I keep my head down, though I can't really help but keep it slack, it's so heavy.

"Of course. I'm sorry for intruding," he apologizes, and he sounds so sincere it makes me feel sick.

"No, it's okay Hyung. I don't mean to be harsh. My focus is on Woozi now, so please don't take my words wrong."

"No of course. Of course. I'll leave you two alone."

And like that he's gone, you're gone, and I want to throw myself at Wonwoo, and thank him. Thank him with every bit of energy I have left. But my body tells me I'm going to be sick.

Wonwoo opens the bathroom door, and clicks the light on, helping me to the toilet, and I'm sick before he can shut the door.

"Can-," I cough on my own vomit, I lean into the toilet more, I point at the door, "lock it."

"Yes I locked it," Wonwoo says, getting a cup off the shelf meant for mouth wash, and filling it up with cool water before giving it to me.

"Thank you," I say so pathetically, I have never felt this embarrassed before.

I think Wonwoo can tell, cause after he wets down a wash rag, he sits down next to me, instinctively rubbing my back in circles.

"It's okay Woozi-ah it happens to the best of us."

I nod, but I'm throwing up again, almost choking, cause I feel it stuck in my throat.

Wonwoo looks away but doesn't let his hand leave my back.

"You and Dong Geun, you two are close."

It's not a question, it's a statement. I can't answer cause my body is gagging and I can't stop the immense amount of digested meals making their way back up.

So instead I say, "I should've listened to you." Completely ignoring his statement all together.

Wonwoo smiles, laughing halfheartedly, "You really should have."

I look up at him attempting a glare, but the tears are still running down my face,

He frowns, wipes my mouth with the wet rag like a mother, then uses his thumb to wipe my tears.

This is the first time in years, 4 years, I have felt safe with anyone in a room, a locked room, alone. So much is left unsaid. I could pour out my soul to Wonwoo and I know he would listen.

"Hyung," I finally say, sitting up, taking the rag from him setting it on the tub.

"Hmm?"

"Thank you," I say, but there's so much more I need to say.

"Of course, Jihoonie," hearing my nickname from Wonwoo I realize you have never said it, and now I have a word that you have not infected, that I need to keep safe, that I need to never reach your ears. I can't let you take anything more away from me.

"Aww, Jihoon-ssi," Wonwoo says, bringing his hands up to cup my face.

I must be crying, a knot in my stomach and heart appear out of no where. I'm definitely crying.

"Why are you crying?" he asks, with so much concern and love in his words, it makes me melt. Wonwoo pulls me into him, not caring if I smell like throw up, he lays my head on his shoulder. I can't talk, cause I am afraid, if I open my mouth I will say what I been keeping in for 4 years. What is at risk if I say it? You are in the other room, it isn't like you are far away, you are two rooms away.

"Would you believe me?"

I don't mean to say it out loud, I sit back to observe Wonwoo's face, see his reaction.

He looks confused, but mostly concerned, "Believe what?"

My heart is pounding. I can do this. I can.

"If I told you something, would you believe me no matter what?"

"Why wouldn't I, Woozi?" He says it like I asked him the stupidest question.

Oh.

I am going to sob.

"Why would you?" And my breath hitch, my eyes water, and I breathe in, and out, in, out, in, out.

"Because. Jihoonie. I will always be on your side."

_I have someone on my side. Oh. Oh thank god._

My body folds into itself, and I reach out, Wonwoo catches me, pulling me back into his arms. I am practically in his lap. I sob, I cry harder than I have ever cried. For the first time I am crying about what happened, and what you did to me. The weight on my chest and shoulders, lifts for minutes, while I cry into Wonwoo and soak his shoulder with my tears.

He whispers to me that it's okay, and when I finally feel myself calming down, he tries to stand up, but I won't let him.

"I don't want to be alone," I admit, and I know I am as weak as I look.

"I'm not leaving," Wonwoo reassures, he pulls out his phone.

I'm drifting to sleep on his shoulder when another pair of arms pull me up by my armpits, my whole body is slack. I let my eyes open slightly to see who it is. The8.

"Hyung. Can you stand?"

I laugh, cause of course I can't stand.

"I'll take that as a no."

"Let's lay him in his bed."

"No," I say weakly, and I really am trying to stand, but the ground is squishy under my feet, I don't think that's normal.

"He doesn't want to be alone," Wonwoo whispers, I still hear him though, I just act like I don't.

They have me leaned up against the wall in the hallway, as they adjust my arms around each of their shoulders.

"Sorry," another whispered voice enters the conversation, "Just trying to get to the bathroom. Does he need anything?"

I lean my head against The8's shoulder, cause he's on my right, and closer towards you. I let my eyes lock with yours.

"I remember Woozi saying he didn't like drinking," and he laughs. I'm not physically capable right now to kill you but I would, if I could.

"Yes, Jeonghan is gonna scold Jun plenty tomorrow," Wonwoo says, and he's serious, cause, I realize, this is a serious situation and I will be scolded plenty as well.

"We told him to stop." (The8)

"Jun kept feeding him whatever he could get Woozi to drink." (You)

"After a certain point, you can't make your own decisions, so Jun is at fault as well," The8 says, and I'm trying my best not to fall over but I can feel my legs giving out and The8 & Wonwoo aren't giving me much support.

I topple forward, Wonwoo and The8 go for me, but I feel your all too familiar arms grab me instead. It doesn't matter how drunk I was then, cause as soon as my head unwillingly hit your chest I was sober enough to fight you off.

"Get off me," my words are slurred and I know it sounded like a mumble of letters instead.

But this time I have to try.

"He just caught your fall Hyung, calm down."

"Don't. Touch. Me." the words are clear, and sharp, cause I focus on each syllable. My mouth is uncovered this time. You can't silence me.

My eyes lock on your face, and though I don't have much control of my body I pound on your chest as hard as I can.

"Hyung," The8 is suddenly hit face first with the situation, and dives in between me and you, receiving some of the blows. My body is in delay so when I tell myself to stop it takes a minute for it to process, before I can actually stop.

I'm still in a wild state of panic, and my arms reach towards Wonwoo.

_Protect me._

You're coming back towards me, "I'm sorry Woozi-ssi. Let me help you-"

"He said don't touch him," Wonwoo steps between us.

"I'm-I'm just trying to help," you say, startled by Wonwoo's scary tone.

"Just let us," The8 says, pulling you back, and gently guiding you back towards the living room.

"I'm sorry," you say again, but you aren't.

You remind me of a wolf in sheep clothing. I wonder how you can be so good at acting like you are the good guy. You will not be permanent in my story, I have to remind myself of this every day. You can not fool me. I feel through your facade. That makes me think you might be able to see through mine.

Wonwoo and The8 lay me down in The8's bed, cause The8 has his own room with a lock, and Wonwoo's room is an open room the members can walk through at any point. So The8 gives up his bed to me and Wonwoo, and he sleeps on the floor.

I will have to remember to pay him back for this.

The8 sets up his blankets and then pulls the trash can near the bed. Wonwoo changes from his tear soaked shirt into one of The8's shirts, and I wait for him to get in bed.

"Jihoonie," Wonwoo speaks, and The8 looks up from his make-shift bed, "You can trust The8 too, you know."

The8 looks confused, but apparently he doesn't need to know details, "Of course you can trust me. What is this about?"

Wonwoo shrugs, I watch them look at each other, then back at me.

"Do you trust us?" Wonwoo finally asks, and I nod, cause how could I say no when they look at me like that.

I really want to say no.

"Why did you ask me if I would believe you?"

My heart drops.

"Hyung..."

"Jihoonie. We need to know if it's serious. You were scared, I can still see you are."

He's figuring it out. I can't breathe.

"Is it Dong Geun Hyung?" The8 speaks.

Your name, is like lightening, or poison, or acid. I hate hearing your name. I try so hard not to cry.

"No," I say slowly, just the right amount, so they can hear the sincerity.

"Then what?" Wonwoo sits down on the bed, the nightlight bright enough to see each of our dim faces.

"I can't tell you," I breathe out, and I know that's not good enough. It never is. "I can't tell you because," I pause, what lie am I coming up with, "because, it'll bring down the whole group."

That's not a lie. I need a lie.

"Nothing will bring us down," The8 says, but he's not confident.

I sigh, bringing a hand over my drunken face, everything is in slow motion, "I shouldn't drink ever again."

"Tell us." Wonwoo is persistent.

I tilt my head towards him, looking up at him, "You don't have to worry about me hyung. Neither of you do. In fact, no body should. Cause it's okay. I'm okay. I'm not in danger, or anything, stop making it seem like someone is trying to kill me. It was the alcohol talking. I swear. I promise. I promise, I'm okay."

I will definitely have to break that promise too.

"Would you tell us if you needed our help?"

"Of course not," I laugh, "But I am okay."

Though neither of them look convinced, they don't question me anymore. They can tell the alcohol is wearing off, and I won't be telling them anything willingly anymore. So they both lay down.

I scoot as close to Wonwoo as he lets me get, and he wraps his arms around me protectively.

I fall asleep like that. And I am thankful. I am thankful that if I were to tell someone, I could tell Wonwoo, cause he said he would believe me no matter what. And that is all I need.

I wake up to a hand over my mouth.

My body isn't working the way I need it to. But it's okay, cause when I open my eyes it's like my entire body breathes a sigh of relief. It's Ailee.

"I'm sorry," she giggles, "I just meant to wake you, not scare you."

Her hand leaves my mouth and she moves over, while I sit up.

"I heard about your drinking fun last night," she smiles, "You find alcohol you like?"

"Yes. But it betrayed me."

She laughs, playfully hitting my knee, "I can see that."

"What are you doing here?"

"Came to see my favorite little brother," she pulls me into a side hug, "Don't tell the others, that I said you're my favorite though. They'll get jealous."

I smile, Ailee's arms were the only arms until Wonwoo's that I felt safe in. She never fails to make me feel cared about.

"So. Are you hungover?"

"I have a head ache."

"We can fix that up easily, come on," she grabs my hand pulling me out into the hall.

The members are all eating breakfast, Wonwoo and The8 sitting by each other, watching me as I enter.

"Woozi, so glad you can join us. Did you party too hard?" Jeonghan jokes.

"Aish, Jeonghan-ah, be gentle. Our Woozi-ssi never drinks, he can get off the hook this one time."

Jeonghan's strict look disappears, but he doesn't say anything else.

"Jun shouldn't have made you keep drinking," Mingyu said.

"He didn't make me do anything."

"Woozi-ah can make his own choices," S.Coups ponders.

Jun comes up to me then, hugging me from behind, "I'm sorry Woozi."

"It's okay Hyung."

And that was that. Everything went back to normal, you weren't in sight, so I could breathe, and forget.

Forget. Yes. It's possible. I'll make it possible.


	8. don't think too much

**November 2018**

With Our Dawn Is Hotter Than Day getting the attention I hoped it would along with the whole album You Make My Day, we have started another TTT Going Seventeen adventure, or vacation with rules, as I like to call it. We are getting some vacation time while being here though, it's supposed to be like a reality show but our new manager has made sure we'll get some bare minimum time away from cameras.

When I get into a random car, Hoshi is already sitting in the passenger seat, and Mingyu behind the driver's. They tell me they purposely picked the smallest car so we'll have more room. Or that's what they thought would happen, I can't help but laugh when the door opens and I have to scoot in the middle, because Wonwoo thought the same thing.

"Ahh, nevermind," Mingyu says.

Wonwoo laughs, "I saw Dino and Seungkwan in one car and decided that wasn't a good choice. I don't want to deal with Dino."

"Joshua and Dk are together," I say, laughing while reminiscing on this terrible morning, "They're so loud together, they woke me up this morning by rapping."

The8 ends up being our driver, and we find out we get to head straight to the venue or 'vacation home' while another group gets to go shop for dinner. 

"Who's hungry?" The8 asks, which means we get to stop for food.

I didn't eat this morning, but I'm still not hungry enough to stuff my face with what ever convenient store food we buy. When we stop Hoshi, Wonwoo, and Mingyu get out and me and The8 stay in the car. I sit on my phone playing games, waiting for The8 to talk first. He doesn't, he just hums to the radio, surprisingly. Ever since that night I got drunk The8 and Wonwoo have been keeping an eye on me, making sure I don't overwork, or stay home alone all the time.

"You're not hungry?" The8 finally says as Hoshi gets back in the car, handing him citrus tea instead of what The8 asked for, cause the store was out.

"No. I ate already."

He knew that was a lie, or at least Wonwoo did, and I wouldn't be surprised if Wonwoo told him too.

He doesn't say anything else, Wonwoo and Mingyu get back in the car and Mingyu is showing me the coffee he got. The8 tells them to buckle up and he pulls out of the parallel parking spot. Hoshi doesn't hesitate to put music back on.

Wonwoo watches me as I sit there while everyone else eats, Hoshi even feeding The8 as he drives.

"You're not hungry?" Wonwoo asks, and I just shake my head.

Hoshi turns in his seat, trying to hand me a unopened ice cream.

"No I'm not hungry." I say for the millionth time.

Wonwoo takes it instead, setting it on his lap. I go back to my game as we drive out onto the highway after getting through a toll. The8 glances at the rear-view mirror every few minutes. I know him and Wonwoo are plotting something against me, or I'm just paranoid that everything is about me. The latter is more likely I will admit.

After a couple songs Wonwoo hands his trash to Hoshi, and then unwraps the other ice cream. It is surprisingly not melted, it must have yogurt in it. Wonwoo looks at me, doesn't ask me if I want it or not, he just pushes it against my lips and I take a bite instinctively.

I know I'm not supposed to need anything. Not supposed to want. But I can't help it. The pang inside me won't stop. I am hungry. I just don't want to be.

I end up falling asleep at one point, Wonwoo letting my head rest on his shoulder. I wake up abruptly when we go over a bump, and Wonwoo's arms catches me from falling forward. I glance out the window, there's no houses around, just a field and lots of woods.

"We're here," The8 announces, pulling up onto a hill.

There's a car already parked, S.Coups, Dino, Jun, and Seungkwan are getting out as we park too. We get out, and I stretch my legs and pop my back before following after Wonwoo and Mingyu.

The house is huge, I wonder if there's enough bedrooms, no, it's not _that_ big. As we get inside, our bags left behind in the car, except the backpack I held on the way here, I wander off to get away from all the cameras.

My body is exhausted, and so is my mind. I didn't sleep at all last night, I drifted off when I got home around 6 am on the kitchen table while eating cold white rice. I stayed holed up in my studio to continue working on You Made My Dawn. I wanted to finish writing each song so I could just relax while we're here, but that didn't end up happening. My mind wouldn't cooperate with me, and I just couldn't find the right words to go with the vibe I wanted to convey. You Make My Day was so upbeat up until the last song, where I wanted it to have this transition, so Carats had a sense of what feel they could expect next.

I find a room, check for hidden cameras, then lock the door and set up my laptop and notebooks out on the bed. I open up my laptop and go over what my sleep deprived self wrote so far.

I wanted the transition to be heard in the music. I just wanted it to all be smooth. But I needed it to be good enough to win awards. I need it to be good enough so when the members have to sing it over and over while recording and over and over when we have to perform it, they won't get bored. I don't want to disappoint anyone.

My eyes droop, but I refuse to give up. I just need inspiration.

I creep out of the bedroom, managing to miss the cameras all together or just walk around them. None of the staff assigned to follow us, actually follow me. I'm thankful though it makes me feel more invisible then I actually am. If that's possible.

I stop in the doorway, I've made it down stairs, and I'm looking into a room where a ping-pong table is set up. Mingyu and The8 are starting a game, The8 is turning on music when the camera man notices me.

I wave him off, indicating I don't want to be on camera when he starts to lean towards me. He nods, respecting my wishes. I will get plenty of screen time when we're doing activities, and cooking, and eating. I don't really mind not being seen though.

Before Mingyu or The8 can pull me into sight, I vacant. I see Jeonghan's car pulling up along with a staff car with the rest of the camera crew and producer, and S.Coups with Jun go outside to help and soon everyone is making there way outside to help carry stuff inside. I use this time to escape again. No inspiration here.

I look around as I make my way back to the corner bedroom on the top floor. This place has a good aura, it feels homey, which is more than our actually home has given me. This place is unbothered, untainted, uninfected. You haven't been anywhere near it.

 _Stop_. I command my brain.

It doesn't quite stop, but slows down enough for me to focus my thoughts on something else. I remind myself he, _you_ , is something I don't have to think about ever again. Because all of it is in the past, and I never should allow myself to think about _it_ again.

I sit and open my laptop back up. The words flow, and I think of the members. Sometimes I don't know how lyrics come, they just do, and I write them down and then decide later if they are good enough.

_you did this once before._

_when you were making that sign in my heart_

_It was a long time since my firewall broke down  
Pass with the password  
What in the world do you know about me?  
Are my deep feelings seen by you?  
  
You're not going to stop me, you're like continuous damage to me  
I'm gonna be hurt childishly_

"Jihoon-ssi," a noona staff peaks inside, I forgot to lock the door, "everyone is in the living room."

"I'll be down in a second. Thank you."

I shut my lap top, I wouldn't even say I got a verse down, but it's good for now. Not nearly enough. I try not to stress to much, make sure I hit save 4 times just in case, and shut my laptop, and plug it in.

I spot Jeonghan first when I make it down the stairs, I go and sit next to him. Jeonghan doesn't know anything to pity me, but he will give me the affection I need right now. I sit between him and Joshua, and lean my head back as everyone is talking and Jeonghan, and everyone that he drove stand to show their matching pajama pants they bought at the store. I glance, and they are not matching, just all fuzzy. I need sleep, my body begs.

Joshua sits back down, noticing my body sliding towards him cause I'm just too tired to try and stop myself from falling. He laughs and pushes me back up, but no one else notices because it's too chaotic. I lean into Jeonghan as soon as he sits back down. He doesn't push me away or tell me I'm annoying, and honestly if he did I probably would cry right here. I lay in his lap and try to catch up with their conversation in my head, as I rest my eyes at the same time. 

Me and Vernon aren't having the best of luck today, our team, that I picked lost to foot volleyball the first round and now we are waiting to find out if we get stuck setting up everything for dinner while everyone else gets to relax. Jun isn't the best at the game and everyone knew that but we still made it where who ever won rock paper scissors get him. I lost every round except this one, I didn't think much of it, cause Jun will just be an extra player and I thought we would be fine. But no, Jun managed to kick the ball out of bounds every single time it came his way. We lost in less than 10 minutes.

Jeonghan's and Seungkwan's team were the best and they been going at it for 30 minutes, Jeonghan picked The8, and Mingyu while Seungkwan chose Joshua and Dk, so I should've known. It's already getting dark, and I'm a little irritated cause I didn't think it would take this long. My team, Jun, Vernon, and Hoshi go up against S.Coups' team with Dino and Wonwoo. I don't try hard, cause I know we're going to lose. I just hit the ball when it comes straight towards me. I feel like I'm back in gym class doing the bare minimum to piss off the coaches.

In conclusion we lost, and picked Seungkwan's team to help us, cause they we're cheering for us, when we were 8 against 14, and far from return. I wanted to pick Jeonghan's team, just for the fact that Jeonghan was acting cocky, but also because I wanted to ask him if he would share a bed with me tonight. For once in my life I just need to be held.

"Woozi Hyung, want to try it?" Dk lifts up a spoon from the stew or ramen, not sure to be honest.

"No. I'm gonna go set up the table outside."

It's hard to be alone in our dorm, but here it's so easy to slip away and no one notice. I wish we lived here. 

"Hey," Vernon walks up from behind me. I jump, and mentally scold myself for being scared of everything, "sorry hyung."

I shrug, "what's up."

"Just seeing if you need help."

"No. Dino wants to grill the meat. You can go take his spot for a while, the others are playing a game, and Dino is helping in the kitchen. After though can you bring the meat outside?"

"Yeah. No problem."

"Vernon." I don't know why I want him to stop and look back at me, maybe so I can be sure I'm not invisible, to be sure that someone actually sees me.

"What?"

"Nothing. I forgot." I shake my head, watch him go inside and stare through the window into the kitchen.

I'm not present, I can tell. I feel dissociated and far away. And I want someone to notice. Notice that I am tired, and that I don't want to be alone anymore.

After we eat everyone is gathering back in the living room, and I slip away again to go to the bathroom. I haven't looked in a mirror in a long long time, and I decide now is the time to do that. I have 3 beers in me by now, S.Coups giving me one every time I finished one cause he just wasn't used to seeing me drink and he was excited to see it. I finish my forth, crush the can and throw it in the trash can under the sink. I lean onto the sink staring at myself carefully.

Who is that? I want to ask.

Where did I go? The old me, I mean. Where did he go?

I write my name on the mirror, watching my mouth as I pronounce it. Jihoon. Jihoon. Jihoon. Jihoon is dead. I, whatever I am now, is all that's left. I don't feel right. Like myself, though I don't know who I am anymore, I have to be something, cause I am still here, breathing, standing. Alive. Dead. I don't want to be dead. I don't want to be dead. I need to come back. Jihoon. Jihoon needs to come back, take back over this body suit. I am sick of it. I am sick of looking at it, being inside it. Take it back. Take me back.

"Woozi. We need you in the living room."

"Okay," I say back to what ever staff is behind the door, "Coming."

The couch is full when I come back, I don't even know if anyone noticed I was gone. I sit on the back of the couch behind S.Coups, Vernon, and Dino. We're playing another game, and with my luck I bet I'm gonna lose this one too. This one is to determine who's going to clean up the dinner, and apparently cause Jeonghan loves being extra, who ever gets thrown into the pool. If I have to be held by my arms and ankles to be thrown into the pool, that might just be my breaking point. I start doing my breathing now. Not wanting to ruin any of the fun.

Vernon, Dino, and Dk get to clean up dinner, but Vernon, me, and Seungkwan lose again and are going to be thrown into the pool. I go upstairs to change into appropriate clothes while they clean up the living room and the 3 members clean up dinner.

I look for Jeonghan, after I slide on a hoodie and sweats over my swim suit and shirt. I find him in the indoor pool/hot tub, with Wonwoo and Joshua, so I go back inside to find The8 instead.

The8 and Jun are upstairs in one of the vacant bedrooms.

"Hey Woozi Hyung," The8 greets, there's no staff or cameras around so when I walk in, I close the door behind me.

"Hey."

"Everything okay?" The8 observes me, confused on why I shut the door.

"What are you two doing?" I answer his question with a question so he knows that perhaps, maybe, everything isn't okay.

"Jun and I are leaving for China tonight, our flight at 1 am, we're leaving here at midnight."

I deflate.

It's already 9:00.

"Oh. I forgot."

"You okay?" The8 asks again, he's not afraid to do that, he doesn't take no answer as an answer.

"Yeah. Just tired."

I sit down on the bed, watching them finish up packing.

"Want to talk?" The8 pushes. Jun zips up his bag and comes sit next to me, wrapping his arms around me.

This time I lean in, not wanting him to ever let go.

I nod, though I mean to say no.

"Okay," he ponders, setting his bag aside, "What about?"

I scoot back for The8 to sit and Jun lets go of me. Without giving it a thought I pull his arms back around me.

"I'm just really tired," I say, and I want them to just be able to read my mind.

_I'm not doing great._

"Hyung," The8 pauses, it's like I can see the gears in his head working overtime, trying to figure out the right words to say, "Tired in what way? Physically? Emotionally? Mentally?"

"All."

Jun intertwines his fingers with mine.

"What's on your mind?"

I laugh, I don't mean to, it's not a joke, and it sure isn't funny, but god I am so tired that it's ridiculous, "You don't want to know that."

They looked concerned now, and I know that wasn't the right words to say. I try to retract.

"Don't look at me like that. I'm okay. I'm just overly stressed, this album. Nothing is working. And-and," I ramble off, and I don't have an explanation. I just want to be held, and cry into someones arms.

I'm not supposed to want anything.

"We just started promotions and our comeback for You Make My Day, it's okay to take a break," Jun says, rubbing his thumb in circles on my hand. It's comforting.

"No it's not." And I'm dead serious, "I tried to finish at least writing the rest of the songs last night before we came here, but I was just stuck, and every time I think I have something we're doing something else, and the inspiration just leaves. There's so much to do all the time, my body can't catch up."

"Hyung's right, you just need a break," The8 agrees, "And it is okay, I promise Woozi Hyung, it's okay to take a break. No matter what you come up with will be great, and it will come to you when it does. We're not in a rush, you don't have to be racing to the next finish line when you haven't crossed this one yet."

"But I do, The8-ah. It will be my fault if it's not good enough, and only my fault."

Jeonghan knocks and enters without waiting for answer, "Everyone's outside already," he looks between the 3 of us, "Everything okay?"

"Yeah, Hyung it's fine," I say, gently pushing Jun's arms off me, "Just stressed."

Jeonghan glances at Jun and The8, then wraps an arm around me.

"No need. Just relax Woozi-ssi. You deserve it."

No I don't.

But I just nod instead.


	9. killing the past and coming back to life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: Su1cidal thoughts

Though I thought we already decided who gets to clean, we end up making another game out of it. Hide & Seek, this time. I almost win to be the seeker, but Jun wins the last game between me and him. So I get stuck with trying to stay away from him along with everyone else. It ends quickly when Seungkwan gets caught first. 

Me and Dk are next together when Seungkwan starts to be spun around, already blindfolded. He stops after 10 spins and is pointed towards us. Dk without a second thought puts his hand over my mouth. I squeeze my eyes shut to prevent myself from screaming.

This is Dk. Seokmin is nice. He would never hurt me.

That doesn't mean he's safe.

I'm pulled back in reality when Dk pulls his hand away and starts backing up. Seungkwan is coming towards us. Oh, right. I go the opposite way and Dk is caught when Seungkwan crawls inside the closet after him.

Vernon, Dk, Dino, and Seungkwan get to clean up for dinner.

We start Forbidden Word game to seal the deal of who gets to be thrown into the pool. So far, Vernon, me, and Seungkwan aren't having a great time, and me and Vernon get out almost immediately when we re-enter the room after our turn.

I want to cry. I know that's not the right response to getting thrown in a pool and your brothers laughing at you, but that's what I want to do. I know they aren't laughing at me to be mean, and I know they can't see the hurt in my face, cause I just got too good at covering it up. But my bones ache, and cry, and I just want to do the same thing.

I get in the indoor hot tub, that's more like a pool, to warm up. Vernon follows behind me quickly as the other members try to throw each other in the cold water.

"Fun." is all Vernon says and laughs.

"Yeah. Fun," I say sarcastically, but that's all I can get in before a soaked Dino and Seungkwan come to jump in the shallow hot tub.

They warm up and sit on the edge of the pool and soon, Joshua joins us, and Wonwoo sits next to Seungkwan to dip his feet in.

When everyone gets in I decide it's time to head inside. Being with the members helped me feel better, and not cry. So I head upstairs to take a shower to get the pool chlorine water off me. Stepping out, I hear the others in the bedrooms laughing and getting ready for bed. I dry off and get dressed so I can find Jeonghan to finally ask him to sleep with me.

"Hey Woozi-ah, how do you feel?" Jeonghan asks as I enter the room. Dk is already in bed with him.

"Oh. Never mind."

"Hyung, come cuddle."

Dk opens his arms with a big smile and Jeonghan laughs. I spot the camera in the corner of the room, and think about walking over and turning it off so I can go lay in their arms and tell them all my problems and let them hold me and brush my hair back.

"Hyung?"

I realize I'm fantasying about comfort, and for some reason that makes me really really sad.

I don't say anything, I just close the door, and go back to my room. Joshua is already in bed, and I see Seungkwan is taking the place next to him. So not my room anymore, I sigh, but walk in and grab my things without them noticing cause both are on their phones.

I go out to the open room that looks out to the pool. Suitcases, and extra camera equipment all packed up in the corners. I set up a blanket near the window, the nights by the pool were off so if I looked I could see past all the trees and watch the stars.

I pull out my laptop, open it, and stare at background I've had set for the past 3 years. Jeonghan still has long hair, and the picture was taken before our first win. Four years ago I had a picture set from our debut day, fresh and new, still young. We were all in white in that picture, but I had more body fat, it was before I lost all my weight rapidly within a month. The picture I have set now is not even a couple months later, and I'm visibly smaller, my legs are thinner, but I'm smiling, and my hair is pink. I study my face, knowing I'm still the only one that knows what was behind it, everything that I was hiding, and still am. 

I look at each member, going through each name in my head, I skip over myself so I can go back and look again, Joshua, S.Coups, Wonwoo, me, Mingyu, The8, and Jun. Pink hair, pale skin, smiling enough to show my eye smile too, but everything is off, it's like there's aura only around me, and only I can see it. It's all wrong, there's a look in my eyes-- this dull, dead darkness. Like something is missing. I can't say what. But that 'missing something' is something important, something crucial, something taken. Something gone now. Maybe for good. 

I open a tab, google search Seventeen's debut photos, and scroll for a few minutes, until I land on one of just me, centered on stage. It's a good shot, the photographer did good. I look for that same deadness in my eyes as there is in the other, right belong is suggested photos, and there's Pristin, and Nu'est members, and solo artists like Ailee. But then I see you, a picture of you performing on MBC, a mic held up to your mouth, confetti behind you, white t-shirt and blue button up shirt, it only shows your upper half. Then I click on you, and it takes me to soompi's website, a website that helps spread rumors, scandals, and news about idols so fans and neitzens can stay caught up. The title is called, 'Han Dong Geun's Agency Issues an Apology for Drunk Driving'. I scoff, sounds about right. Maybe this will make the members stop hanging around you. This was not even 2 months ago, I haven't heard about it so that must mean the members hadn't either.

I have a scary thought then, so sincere, and dire, it takes me back. Wishing you were dead is one thing, but wishing you died in something that actually happened to you, scares me. I don't know if there's a difference.

But I think it again. And again. And again.

_I wish you died._

And even worse, I think.

_You deserve worse, at minimum death._

I would prefer torture. I think of that saying, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, but you are my worst enemy, and I would wish what happened to me happened to you. I hope it does.

I exit out and go back to looking at pictures of me.

I'm not supposed to think about you or what you done. But I'm so young in this photo, still 18 years old. I'm still a minor in this picture, yet I'm already tainted, and damaged. And it's your fault.

Hair slicked back, hair a light pink, performance smile on my face, in the middle of singing. A stupid smile on my some what innocent face. I envy him, dead me, that awkward quiet, fresh angered rage built to the brim, I still let it out then, not ugly-but not pretty face. I wish I could start from there again. Be dead me again. I would take the chances I had and came forward. I bring the computer close to my face so I can stare back into dead me's eyes, like I'm looking for some special secret, so I could get back to him. But his eyes, my dead me's eyes are just pixels. He only comes in two dimensions. He doesn't know the shit he's about to go through. I start grinning at the thought, that I could have ended this so long ago and already be on the way to healing, and yet I didn't. And can I really blame you for that? You told me no one would believe me. And I believed you. But do I still do?

I laugh at the irony of it all, shaking my head back and forth, laughing because it's ridiculous I thought like that. And now everyone is in such a good place, why would I ruin that? I have to use both of my hands to cover my mouth, cause I can't stop laughing. Everyone is asleep, or should be. It's 3 am, oh my god I been sitting here for hours. I go from covering my mouth with both hands, to one covering my mouth and one covering my eyes cause suddenly I am crying. I quickly look around for camera, but find nothing, no red beating lights. So I continue crying, crying because I could have stopped this, all I have to do is speak up, crying because there's not much else I can do, crying because of the immense regret, and the time lost and the lies, all the lies. I'm sobbing cause I don't have the strength to do a damn thing about any of it.

I can't remember, I can't pin point where the lies started, where they ended, though they haven't yet. But still, everything is blurred together, the last 4 years lost in time, a blurred blob of thoughts and key memories I have a hard time putting together to form something solid. It's all half there. Everything seems to have become so messy, so gray, so undefined and fucking terrifying. All I know is this wasn't the plan. This isn't how I was supposed to debut. This isn't how I was supposed to live. This isn't who I was supposed to be.

The plan was grow, and get better, learn some mistakes that normal teenagers face. I don't feel new, or successful, or better. I feel empty, broken and empty. I'm ruined. And alone. More alone than ever before. 

I feel the familiar thoughts that make their brief visits every now and then, they creep in sometimes without any warning. Slow thoughts that always start far away, almost silent, like whispers in another room. And then they get louder and louder until they become every sound around you. Every sound in the entire universe, you feel like you might be going deaf.

I slam my laptop shut, though it doesn't make much sound. And I cry, waiting for a member to come in and check on me, come find me and scoop me up and comfort me. But the thoughts are the only thing that checks on me, and the only thing that stays.

Would anyone care? Would anyone even fucking notice? What if they woke up and I was gone? What if it all all just stopped? What if I'm the one that can stop it? What if? What if? What if I ended it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is a short one. <3


	10. I'm working on being kinder when I'm hurt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Attempt at sex (consensual)

** 1 YEAR LATER **

Time passes, or, it doesn't but it must-- because it has to.

_"Come on you can trust me," he spoke in a strange way, it sounded serious, like we were still talking music but not really cause he was smiling. The boy didn't quite understand, I watch as the older man leans against the arm rest, waiting for an answer from the smaller boy._

_The boy laughs awkwardly, politely, and says, "A friend of Bumzu Hyung is a friend of mine. Of course I trust you." I want to slap the boy. I want to stand up and sweep the notebooks, and equipment off the table. Because as the boy smiles demurely thinking he has his own mentor, I look into the older man's eyes and I see now what the boy couldn't then: that this is the moment. He had been thinking about it the whole time, probably before the boy even opened the door to let him inside, and was pretty sure, but this was the moment, I can tell, that not only did he know he could do it, but that the boy would let him get away with it._

_So as I watched as the boy go more and more comfortable and let more of his guard down. The boy dozed off on the studio's couch not even for a few minutes, as the man sat studying the lyrics. And when the man looked over to see the boy half asleep he smirked, he wasn't looking at him how a hyung should, with a protectiveness, no he had none of that in his eyes. The man looked at the boy like the boy is, was, prey._

_I'm screaming, shaking the boy, telling him to wake up. He still has time._

_"Get up. Woozi! Get up! Go! Run!"_

_But the boy doesn't hear me. It's too late._

I wake up in my own bed, in the dark, Mingyu's music playing quietly because he forgot to turn it off before he fell asleep. It is December 20th, 5 am. I don't try to go back to sleep, I sit up in bed realizing how sweaty I am. I swing my legs off the side of the bed after pushing my covers away, I let my eyes adjust to the dark and watch Mingyu for a few minutes to make sure I didn't wake him. Then I get up grab a hoodie, sweat pants and some nike socks and head to the bathroom.

I change clothes, brush my teeth, tame my hair then turn the light off and sneak down the still dark hall. I push the bedroom door open slowly, Jun, Seungkwan, and Dino's room. I spot what I'm looking for, grab it and exit the room as fast & quietly as possible.

When I walk past sleeping Wonwoo and S.Coups I expect to walk into the kitchen and see one of the members ready to question me on where I'm going. But the kitchen is bare, and dark, so is the living room. No one is going to stop me.

I open the pantry door to get the fold-able stool then take it and set it under the cup cabinet so I can borrow one of Mingyu's or Dino's water bottles. Instead of pressing for ice I just grab handfuls myself and push one cube at a time into the small opening to the water bottle.

Then finally, I'm ready.

I fix Dino's thingy around my arm so it holds my phone and I don't have to put it in my pocket. I don't bother grabbing keys I won't be back for a while. I get outside and the sun isn't up yet, so I walk to the track setting up my playlist on spotify. 

I'm not a runner, but I been working out with Hoshi, and I started running every morning I woke up from a nightmare. When I run I feel like I'm running away from everything that happened to me, though I don't try and think about it anymore, and I honestly been doing a good job. Any time I think about you I run, when ever a memory reappears, I run, when ever I have a nightmare, I get up and run. On the days I have to see you I don't stop running until my body forces me too, so when I go home it feels like I'm dragging a dead body to a grave.

I always start on the track, leave my water bottle on a bench, but I always end up running further, running to the park, on the paths made for actual runners. I run there cause running in circles doesn't get me anywhere and sometimes I need the feeling that I can get away from it. I don't have to be strong I've realized, all I have to be is fast. If I'm fast I can get away. Nothing can touch me, nobody can touch me here. I'm faster. I'll be faster then who ever is chasing me.

At the track today there's 3 other people running, and 2 others stretching. I can tell everyone is strangers to each other. Usually I run a lap then run to the park cause I hate being around people who can be as fast as me and even faster than me.

I want to be them. They don't have to worry about this. They can run without being chased.

I get home when the sun is almost in the middle of the sky. It's 9 am, almost 10, and our door is open. Our door is open? Today's our day off.

"Hey," I announce my presence before my shoes are off, "Why the door open? Trying to invite murderers in?"

_Or rapists. I chuckle at my own joke._

I shut the door and round the corner into the kitchen, it's dead silent, but every member is sitting at the table. My seat is taken.

"What's going on?" I observe everyone's body language trying to know what I need to prepare myself for before they say it, "Why are you here manager Hyung?"

Jeonghan waves me over, Dk pulls me down so I'm sitting on his lap.

"Is someone dead?"

"No no, no one is dead," S.Coups says, "Right? Nobody's dead right?"

I realize that no one knows what's happening it's not just me.

"No, god no. No one is dead," the manager finally speaks, "We were waiting for you to get back Jihoon."

"Okay? Well I'm here."

I get a stern warning tap on my leg from Hoshi. I must have sounded disrespectful, but I could care less. He's taking too long.

"It's come to my attention," he looks up, making sure everyone is listening, "there's been a relationship within the company. That's strictly against everyone's contacts."

"What does this have to do with us?" Seungkwan asks.

"I can assure you no one has time for dating," S.Coups says.

"I know, and you all are so busy I don't know how this could happen. I don't have a lot of information and I'm not here to accuse anyone, I'm just here to get the facts and clear up what I've heard." 

"What did you hear?" Mingyu asks, and we're all on the edge of our seats.

"A three way relationship, from what I've gathered."

"Between?" Dino asks, and everyone looks around, I observe each of the members, to see if I can catch any lying or anxiety from one of them.

"Han Dong Geun-" my heart drops, and my mouth opens, and I hold my breath, waiting, "Oh Hye-rin, and," he pauses he waits for someone to come forward then his eyes land on me, "Lee Jihoon."

"Wait. What?" I jump off Dk's lap, "Me?"

"Jihoon I need you to be completely honest right now. This can effect the whole group. You know-"

"You said you weren't coming to accuse anyone," I scoff, "sure sounds like you're accusing me of something."

Everyone is looking at me, and the manager obviously has more to say, but I could care less. It's been a smooth year, aside from still seeing you, working with you, the nightmares, the flashbacks, the exhaustion, but aside from all that, it's been a smooth year.

"You think I have time to date not one," I feel the rage boil inside me, "but two people?"

"Calm down Jihoon, your reaction is clearing it up enough for me. I can see now it's just a rumor."

I'm not done. Hearing your name in the same sentence as mine. Someone associating me with you in an intimate way. Oh my god I'm going to be sick.

"I don't even having extra time to breathe. With all due respect, _sir,_ what the fuck?"

Dk is pulling me back down but I pull away. 

"Calm down Woozi-ah. It's just a misunderstanding, right manager hyung?"

"Yes-"

"No. You couldn't like pull me aside or something? This could get me kicked out, manager-hyung. You can't just say something like that and expect me not to be defensive."

"I understand Jihoon-ah, and I apologize. I'll speak with the CEO. I assure you nothing is going to happen, you, and no one else is getting kicked out. I just had to clear it up."

"So you believe me?"

"Yes. I do. Thank you for talking with me. And I do truly apologize."

Everyone stands to bow. I watch him walk out, and wait for him to close the door behind him.

"What the fuck just happened?"

I feel so unsafe in my body, and I want to run, but my bones ache, my legs cramp from this morning. I still need a shower. I wiped the sweat off my face changed and left. I should have showered.

There's a knock on my studio door, I push away from my desk, and open the door a little so I can see who it is first.

"Oh, hey," I shut it to take the chain lock off and open the door the rest of the way.

"Hey. I heard about this morning."

"Did S.Coups send you?"

"No," he laughed, looking around and rubbing his neck, "Jeonghan did."

I laugh then, "I'm fine, really."

Bumzu puts his hands up defensively, "Okay, okay."

"Is that all?" I ask watching him sit down on the couch.

"How rude. Not even going to tell me the drama?"

I roll my eyes but join him on the couch, it's a different couch then the one from that night. I'm grateful, but every couch has the significance of that one. Only I can change the significance of it. But that's not what's happening. Me and Bumzu are just friends, he's like a brother.

I wonder if he would pick me over you?

"You okay?"

"Oh, yeah. I just woke up early. Mingyu is a noisy roommate."

"Well hopefully you guys can move soon. You all get your own rooms at the next dorm?"

"Yeah, I mean kind of. There's 12 rooms, so two of us will have to share."

"Ahh. Well just don't lose rock paper scissors."

"Yeah, I'll try."

"So you and Dong Geun?" he smiles, and by instinct I could punch him.

"Shut up."

"You pick him or me?"

"No. I would pick you if I had to pick."

"Oh?"

I roll my eyes, but nod, finally meeting his eyes.

"Why?"

"No reason."

"Hyung," I pause, looking for the right words, but I don't find any.

It's too quiet, and he's too close to me. There's only one reason someone gets this close. If he's going to do something he just needs to do it. And then I realize abruptly, I could get away this way. I need something to happen, need to make something happen. Anything. Right now.

"Wh-"

I've never kissed anyone before, at least willingly. I focus everything in my mind and body, and gently pull Bumzu's face towards mine. He doesn't pull away so he must want something to happen too. I wrap my arms around his neck and when I pull away for just a second for air, Bumzu looks bewildered.

"Jihoon. What are we doing?"

"Shh, it's okay." I want him to know he's safe, do all the things you didn't do for me. But this time I need to make sure Bumzu knows I'm saying yes. He kisses me back, and I don't need to know why, I don't care if he likes me, or just wants the experience. I just need a distraction, and this is perfect. I pour myself into it, but I don't feel any different; that heavy feeling still there. I need more to happen. I push him back onto the couch and his arms move to my waist. I start to move my hands down his chest, unbuttoning his shirt. Bumzu. Bumzu's shirt.

"Jihoon-"

I concentrate on doing this nicely, and I try not to look at his body cause his body terrifies me.

"I want this. It's okay."

_"You want this. When will you ever get action like this again? Let it soak in, you'll enjoy it. Just enjoy yourself."_

I need to get as far away from the past as possible, be as different from that boy as I can.

"Jihoon. You're so pretty," Bumzu whispers between kisses. He's getting into it too, but I need him to stop saying kind things to me.

I don't deserve it.

He's so gentle with me, caressing my face, soft kisses, like I might be this fragile thing that needs to be handled with caution. But it feels to nice for someone like me, this is meant for someone else, someone more like who I used to be, or rather, who I would have been.

Suddenly I'm underneath him. Bumzu. His breath travels across my face, and he kisses down my neck. He's hard against me. Bumzu. This is Bumzu.

I want him to know how innocent I still feel right now, somehow. To know exactly what I'm entrusting him with. We don't have to have sex, but he's still seeing a side of me only one other person has ever seen.

I unbutton his shirt the rest of the way, but he doesn't let me undo his pants yet. I look up at him then focus on each move, on his breathing, and I count all the ways he is not like him, the ways I am not like the boy. Running my hands down his chest, he's soft against me. He doesn't let my hand go down there though. And he continues to say nice and sweet things. I cover his mouth, I want to keep going but he's ruining the moment.

"I'm not any of those things, okay?"

He sits up, pulling my hand off, "Yes you are."

"No I'm not."

And I think, how could he be so stupid. 

"I've never met anybody like you Woozi."

The more he talks the more I'm just thinking of the ways I need to get out. My safe place is becoming too comfortable. This time it's my fault. This time I'm the one tainting it.

"Stop," I say with too much irritation in my voice, it takes me back.

My body knows what it wants. It's not this. Not with him, at least. I need out. The moment is over. I need to know I can get out.

"You're so negative towards yourself."

"Wow." he's too caught in the moment, he doesn't realize that my body just wanted to use his. I'm using him. God I'm a horrible person. He doesn't deserve this.

It all makes me feel like I could cry. Because in my heart, I know, I'm not who he thinks I am. Not even close. And he's not who I want him to be either.

"I know we been pretty close but that's just because of music. I don't know a lot of about you, now that I think about it."

You don't want to know anything about me. It'll ruin you. Exactly how it ruined me.

"So tell me."

I can't do this.

"How about this: what do you think about when you get quiet all the time, when you drift off in your own little world? What are you thinking?"

I have to concentrate all my energy on not allowing myself to cry. This is too much. I got myself here.

"Woozi?"

"What?" I finally answer.

"Uh," he senses the weird tone in my voice, I sense it too. He carefully runs his fingers through my hair leaning in to kiss my neck, "Just, say something. Tell me anything. Something you've never told anyone."

"I can't," I hear myself say and it sounds so wrong, like that's not what I'm supposed to sound like. I feel my body curl into itself, pulling away before he can touch me.

"What is it?"

It's too much.

"Bumzu hyung, please stop. Stop fucking talking," I get up, picking my hoodie up off the floor.

He sits up, confused, and stunned.

"I mean come on, why do you have to make this into something it's not. Why can't we just have some fun?"

The hurt covers his features, his entire face is frowning, and he flinches at my tone, unable to say anything. I hurt him. With just my words. Sickeningly, it makes me feel a bit better, in a way, stronger than him.

I'm gathering my things, in my own studio. I should be telling him he's the one that needs to leave.

"What did I do? Honest I don't know what I did. Why are you acting like you hate me all of a sudden? I don't understand."

I say nothing. He waits for me to deny it. I don't feel strong anymore, as I look up at him, and he hovers over me by just a couple extra inches to his height. But then he throws his hands up dramatically, letting them fall and smack against his thighs.

I feel my entire body shudder.

"What? What do you-" he pauses, observing me.

I have so much fear in me, I wonder if he can smell it.

"You don't think I would hit you. Do you?"

I shake my head no. But I'm not sure of anything anymore. Anyone is capable of hurting another being. And it's so easy to get away with. 

"Oh my god. Woozi what kind of person do you think I am?"

I take a step back when he tried to get closer to me. 

"Jesus. You- you aren't scared of me are you?"

"Yes." and there's alarms immediately going off in my head, "I mean- no- no." but that's not the truth. I'm fucking terrified. "I meant no." I try to fix it, but it's too late. I'm shaking, my hands tremble. I can't do this, "I'm not scared- I'm just." I'm trying so hard, I want him to see how hard I'm trying, "I'm just so....so......fucking," I run my shaking hands through my hair aggressively. I want to pull it all out, ".....tired." And I'm crying, "so." there's no way to hide it now, "so. fucking. tired. And I don't feel like having a conversation right now. I just wanted to escape."

He says nothing. I cover my eyes. I'm crying with my whole body and all I want to do is disappear. I feel his hands hovering over me, then awkwardly rubbing circles on my back, moving my hands from my hair as I tug at it as hard as I can. He puts both arms around me, to hug me, but I feel suffocated. I don't want to be held right now. Not by him. I don't want to be touched. Not by anyone ever again.

I grind my teeth to keep from screaming. Screaming in general, screaming at him to get his hands off me, screaming for help, screaming because I can't make sense out of anything that happening, has happened, will happen. Screaming because in a sense I feel like I'm still back there, always back there, inside I'm still that boy. I clench my fists tight and tell myself, no more tears, stupid fucking baby. On three, go. One. Two, push. Push him. Push, just push. Three. I break out of his arms like an explosion. He stumbles backwards, but I am free.

I grab my stuff, get the door open, and I run. I don't look back, I don't think, I just run.


	11. i want to be me again

I wake up. Breathe. My bones ache, have aged more in the last 24 hours than they have in the last 5 years. The first thing I do is check my phone, I clumsily plugged in before crawling into bed. There is 50 messages, but that's normal being in a group chat with 12 others that text even when we're all in the same house together. I scroll to the missed calls, cause everybody knows not to call me, I don't answer. Yet there it is, 5 missed calls, Bumzu, Bumzu, Ailee, Bumzu, and a random number. I look at it confused, thinking maybe a saesang got my number.

I have 10 texts from Bumzu. And 2 from Ailee. Bumzu's are just a spam of 'r u okay's and 'did i do something wrong', and 'can we talk', and 'we will have to talk eventually'. I delete our entire conversation. Ailee's texts are just 'Hey' and 'i'm coming to seoul let's meet up'.

I text her back, asking when, and where.

Then I finally get out of bed.

On the white board hanging in the kitchen there is several notes from different members saying where they went and when they'll be back. The8, Mingyu, and Vernon went to a museum, Jun, Seungkwan, Dk, Dino, and Hoshi went to play Volleyball. S.Coups, Joshua, and Jeonghan went out shopping. There's no message from Vernon.

It's noon but I start the coffee maker anyways.

"Morning Hyung."

"Why didn't you go out?"

"Wanted to stay home. Do you have any plans?"

"No," I shrug, "I'm just going to hang around here for the day."

"Want to order in and watch a movie?"

I shrug, "Sure."

My phone dings, and because it's just once I check. Bumzu again. I don't read it. I turn my phone off instead.

We watch Black Panther, but we're not really paying attention as we keep a subtle conversation going.

"Are you excited to go to the U.S?" I ask, knowing we'll be able to explore New York and Vernon will be able to see his parents and sister.

"Yes, I suppose. I'm excited to see our fans and my family."

I nod.

"We get a small break while we'll be in the Philippines, before going to Malaysia, so that will be like a mini vacation."

I don't say anything, I know it's becoming a one sided conversation but I can't stop thinking about last night. How many ways it can ruin everything.

"So," Vernon pauses looking me up and down, "how are you doing with the you know whole fake scandal thing?"

I shrug again, "I don't know. I don't like being accused of things but manager hyung seemed to believe me so I don't really want to think about it."

"Scandals happen all the time but a three way relationship, including same sex, that could cause a lot of rumors."

"I know."

"I mean even if you are-"

"I'm not."

"It's not a bad thing hyung."

"I know."

"Well. Even if, real carats will love you just the same."

"Having a rumor about me being gay is the least of my concerns Vernon-ah. A three way relationship makes me sound like a man whore. Like I sleep around."

"There's no proof. And having two people as significant others doesn't make you a man whore."

"I know," I huff, "I know. I never said that."

"I know! I didn't mean it like that Hyung."

"It's just," _I'm so fucking tired_ , "I- I just don't understand how this would even come up. How did it become a rumor in the first place."

"Someone must have made it up," then it's like a light bulb lights up above his head, "you know I forgot, we were talking about it in the chat this morning cause how much of a coincident it was, uh did you hear that Raina and Dong Geun's contacts were up and they didn't continue them."

"What?"

_Come again._

"They don't work under Pledis anymore."

"Shit. Are you serious?"

"Yes. Yes." Vernon nods, I can tell he loves being the one that gets to tell me the gossip.

"When?"

"Yesterday."

Shit. Everything makes sense now.

Was Bumzu trying to escape too?

"Do you think it's because of the rumor?"

"Maybe. Have you talked to either of them?"

"No. I don't even have their numbers."

"That's strange that people would think you three are dating when you don't even talk to them outside of work," Vernon says, scratching his head like he's trying to figure out a reason this all happened.

"Bumzu hyung likes Raina Noona," I blurt out, remembering when the two of them worked together on an album and Bumzu would talk to me every night about how much he was crushing on her, and wanted to ask her out.

"Really? I bet he's bummed out. Does he know it's not true?"

"He knows I'm not dating anyone. I talked to him yesterday."

_'Talked', uh huh, sure._

"Oh?" he checks his phone after it dings a couple times, "Speaking of him, Bumzu hyung just texted me. He wants to get lunch. Will you come?"

I can't think of an excuse.

"Uh. What about ordering out?"

"It'll be nice to get the food fresh, won't it?"

"Yeah I suppose."

"So yes? I texted him yes already," Vernon looks up from his phone smiling, and excited.

Bumzu isn't stupid enough to tell Vernon about what we did yesterday. He can't be. I pray that Vernon can keep a secret. Just in case.

"Come on hyung," I look up from my thoughts, he already turned the tv off and is gathering his things, putting his wallet and phone in his tie-dye fanny pack.

He's a weird kid.

When we walk into the cafe/diner, Bumzu spots us instantly and waves us over. He looks the same, in the same clothes as last night, with a lack of facial expression. I don't know what I expected. A part of me hoped I could see what he was feeling, hoping I could see how broken or sad he was. If he was. Or see the anger. Anger would be better to be honest. 

I follow reluctantly behind Vernon. As we approach he's smiling at Vernon but his eyes are dull as he stares at me. I want him to say it. Why would I want that? I don't even know what I want, for fucks sake. I'm tired of my brain doing circles, going through the same thoughts over and over to try and process them differently each time.

"Welcome." Bumzu continues smiling moving over and Vernon sits next to him, I sit across from Vernon, "Did you walk here?"

He looks at me while he talks but he's turned towards Vernon.

"Yes. It's nice out."

"Ah. It is, you're right. Woozi-ah," he finally turns towards me, the smile falters for just a second, "Will you accompany me to order our drinks, and Vernon-ah will you watch our stuff."

"Sure Hyung."

"What do you want me to get you?"

"Iced vanilla with foam, and what ever food you guys get, I'm fine with whatever."

"Easy for me. Come on Jihoonie."

I cringe at that, I leave my phone behind, and follow Bumzu up to the line. I wait for him to say something but he just keeps talking about different lattes he wants to try and it's infuriating. Just say it, I want to scream at him.

"So."

He stops looking at me, like I've gone mute and this is the first time he's heard me speak in years.

"Are you just going to ignore everything and go on like it never happened?"

"That's what you want isn't it," he says it so casually while he looks over the menu, "they have pumpkin spice, Raina noona loves that one. Have you tried it?"

"Hyung."

He finally looks at me, "What?"

"Stop acting oblivious."

"You're the one that said it didn't mean anything to you, so let's just forget it like it is nothing," he simply shrugs.

"Hyung, really? That's it? I was so disrespectful. You don't care?"

"Of course I care Woozi-ah. But I can't help it when you do selfish things," we step forward and he starts our order, "tell her what you want."

I'm still stuck in the daze and fog he left me in but I manage to order my caramel latte, and sit back down. 

I spent so much of my time the last 5 years to make myself tough, and sharp, and now that I am I wish I was nothing but soft, and sensitive like Dk or Seungkwan. So the people that hurt me, can see it all over my face, all over my body, and feel guilty for what they done. But no, instead I suck it up, and let myself hurt behind closed doors instead. 

I just want to scream, actually scream this time. Just listen to me. Listen to me before I break. I'm about to fucking break open, and I won't be able to stop what comes out of my mouth. _Please. Listen._

"I'm going to the bathroom," Vernon excuses himself. I watch him get up and wait until he turns the corner across the cafe to the restrooms.

"I'm not selfish," I spat.

"No, I never said you were, but your actions were."

"I just needed an escape."

Don't cry. Don't cry. Don'tcrydon'tcrydon'tcrydon'tcry.

"Me too, Jihoonie. Me too. That doesn't excuse what you said."

"You wanted an escape? If you wanted an escape why did you say all those disgustingly nice things to me."

"It was in a moment type of thing. Why? Do you like degrading more?" he doesn't smile or smirk, he actually looks bored.

I scoff, "Wh-what?"

"What?" he says back, "I don't care what you're into Jihoonie. But you have to admit you freaked out for no reason."

But I didn't. I want to say. He was touching me too much, speaking too much.

"I-I didn't, hyung."

"You got mad at me for saying kind things to you. You blew up on me for no reason. Unless there is a reason Jihoonie. Is there a reason?"

I just stare at him, the waitress brings our coffees and food over.

"Thank you."

"No hyung, there's not a reason."

"Did you really think I was going to hit you?"

"No!" I say it a bit too loudly, the table beside us look over, "I'm sorry okay! I am sorry for acting like that, it was just a lot for me and I was already stressed out with manager hyung and the rumor."

He leans in, so he can whisper, "So you try to have sex with me? Then freak out when I try to give you what you want?"

"Don't." I say sharply, Vernon sits back down reaching for his drink, but doesn't ask what we're talking about, he pulls out his phone instead, "Don't tell me what you think I want. You don't know shit."

"Well I would if you just talked to me."

Vernon looks between us while sipping his coffee, probably wondering what the hell he missed.

"I don't have to talk to anyone if I don't want to."

"Oh trust me I know."

Vernon eyes me, concern in his eyes.

"Vernon-ah, I'm ready do you want to stay or come?"

"You haven't eaten at all Hyung."

"I can get us boxes," I say, and I don't wait for an answer I go up to the cashier and ask for boxes and quickly return to the table before Bumzu and talk to Vernon.

"Thanks for lunch Hyung," Vernon gets up and gives Bumzu a side hug.

I gather my stuff, and take mine and Vernon's boxes full of food.

"Thanks hyung," I mutter through gritted teeth, "Come on Vernon-ah."

We start walking back towards our apartment complex where our dorm is, and Vernon stays scrolling through his phone and sipping his coffee until we pass the 4th store from the cafe.

"What was that hyung? Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, everything's fine. Me and Bumzu just got into it yesterday and he won't drop it."

"What about?"

"Nothing important."

"Oh. Well okay. Want to eat in the park then go to vintage store?"

I smile, and nod, "Yes that sounds great."

Maybe Vernon is another member I can trust, he's understanding, and doesn't ask too many questions. He's observant enough to know when someone is uncomfortable and he's respectful about it.

"You know, I was thinking about getting my license, I don't really need one but it would be nice to be able to be the driver when we all go on road trips and have to split up in groups."

"That'll be nice, Vernon-ah."

It's quiet between us for a few minutes while I shift through the same 5 clothes on the clothing rack over and over again while Vernon is trying on bucket hats. I let Bumzu's words play through my head. I panicked when he tried to go through with what I anticipated, what I started. 

"Hyung."

"Hmm?"

I'm allowed to back out. I'm allowed to change my mind.

"I been thinking a lot lately, and I was wondering," he pauses and I glance at him, he's looking at himself in the mirror, "Why don't you let us in when you obviously need someone?"

I try not to react, keeping my face still and unreadable, keeping my body still as well, trying not to show any signs of weakness. 

I play dumb, "What do you mean?"

"Wonwoo and The8 told me months ago, and I didn't want to bring anything up cause I know you like to be independent and solve your own problems, but whatever it is do you really think you can do it alone? I mean I know you can, but should you?"

I'm still trying to process every word as Vernon finally turns towards me.

"It's okay-"

"What did Wonwoo and The8 say?"

"It was seperate occasions. Wonwoo told me a while after you got drunk with him, Jun, The8, and Dong Geun. He-"

"What did he tell you?"

"He was just concerned for you and wanted more than just him and The8 knowing," Vernon is observing me closely waiting for an emotion to appear on my face that he can read, "He didn't give details, he wouldn't share your privacy without you knowing. He just said you said some worrying things, and that he wanted more eyes on you."

"That's it?" I feel my heart returning to my chest from my stomach.

"The8 said you were overworking yourself during our You Made Our Dawn, and how you were overly stressed, but that's it."

"I'm better now."

"Are you sure?" Vernon side glances me, there's people wanting to come down the aisle we been standing still in so I pull Vernon aside and we start making our way out of the store without buying anything.

"You just been," I stare at Vernon intently, a small warning to watch what he says next, "You seem stressed, more stressed than usual. You just been acting weird or strange? Not yourself."

I have my moments where I feel like myself, while on stage, and while practicing, being with the members just doing activities, that's when I feel like myself. But the moment the day is too slow, and were not jumping from one thing to the other, I have time to process, and settle. I realize during then, that I haven't really been myself in a long long time.

I don't say anything to that, I shrug, I don't have anything to tell him. I mean, he's right. So why correct him?

The me Vernon is talking about has been dead for 5 years, left behind in our first studio. No one found the boy's body. Mostly because they didn't know the boy was gone, or that they had to look to see if the boy was really still there. Still here. He isn't. The boy is dead, corpse already decayed. Left behind. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know the last chapter was a lot, and sudden, and it probably didn't make much sense or feel like it fit in with the story. And it doesn't, not really. That doesn't mean it didn't have a significance part. For people who go through sexual trauma it is extremely common for survivors to experience either hyper-sexuality (a high sex drive) or hypro-sexuality (a low sex drive). My entire experience to the current present has been mostly hypro-sexuality, but I did have a short period where I was really really hyper-sexual, I went out on dates and one night stands through tinder, sometimes 3 times in one day at max and at bare minimum 3 times a week for 2 months straight. Though I have the pictures to prove it happened, I don't have the slightest active memory of it actually being real. The last chapter was quick and subtle in a way to show how hyper-sexuality and hypro-sexuality takes a part in sexual trauma. I hope it didn't taint the story to make it seem too much, or too dramatic. To be honest it wasn't far from reality, and is pretty realistic though it seemed really intense. That also goes for the 1 year jump. There's 2 years in my head that know happened but because of the after math of the trauma I experienced for some reason I don't remember a single memory within the last two years if there is no video proof.  
> I hope that cleared everything up and nobody feels confused. I didn't mean to have such an abrupt plot twist, then just go back to normal so quickly. It's a lot more normal than you think, it's just the reality of stuff like this. And absolutely everyone has different experiences. I'm just trying to portray as many as I can, while explaining on the way as I get more and more questions. <33


	12. why is it so hard to feel clean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You're not alone. Confidential help is available for free.  
> National Sexual Assault Hotline: (Call) 1-800-656-4673  
> //Available 24 hours everyday//

Trying to wrap my head around the fact I may never get the closure I need for what you did to me. I'll never know why you did what you did. If you regret it. Or if you even remember. If you found pleasure in making me feel this way, scaring me. There's no undoing what you did. I have to live the rest of my life with the endless memories, and flashbacks you left me with.

I don't think about everything you took from me. It's been 5 years and this new way of living to avoid feeling uncomfortable, or exposed, has become my new normal.

But I can't even take a shower because of you. I can't be naked. I can't look at myself naked. I can't remember the last time I've taken a shower without my boxers. I can't change around the members, I need to change behind a locked door. I don't even know what a sex drive is. 

"Woozi-ah!" Jeonghan is yelling from down stairs and I wonder when he got home.

I don't know if I'll ever feel normal again, or if my body will ever function normally again.

"Woozi-ah!" His footsteps are approaching so I don't bother to move.

"What!"

"I'm not going to holler through the door," Jeonghan hollers through the door.

I drag my body out of bed, I haven't even brushed my teeth yet. I wonder what time it is. Is it the next day already? 

I pull up the bedroom door, and Jeonghan is standing there looking annoyed.

"I been yelling for you for the past 5 minutes."

"Well here I am."

"You have a visitor, and the rest of us are hungry, do you want us to wait for you in the van? She said it will be quick."

"Who?" and I'm following him down the hall slowly, not even knowing what I'm about to walk into.

"Raina noona. She said she called but I told her you're not very good at answering anyone."

"Okay. Will you tell her I'm coming? And you guys can just go eat, I already ate."

"Okay. If you want us to bring something back call me or Hoshi."

"Thanks," I slip into the hall bathroom, locking the door and turning the light on to brush my teeth quickly. I stare at myself in the mirror. I spit, wipe my mouth, and meet my own eyes.

"You will not cry," I whisper.

I hear muttered good byes and wait until I hear the front door before I walk out into the living room.

"You can't answer a phone?!" 

I try to figure out what she's feeling before I answer. Her arms crossed, she looks tired, and annoyed, maybe angry.

I can tell she's already picked a side.

"I can-- I mean I'm capable, if that's what you're asking."

"Oh okay. So you just won't," she says, "Bumzu has tried to talk to you, called you, and texted. Ailee even texted. You're just not answering anyone?"

I shrug, focus on making sure my face looks unbothered, bored even. I want her to know I don't care what she's come here to say.

"Unbelievable. Bumzu doesn't deserve this. With everything happening you would think you would be there for him instead of using him--him for what?" she throws her arms to her sides, giving me a disgusted look & laugh, "for sex?"

"He said he wanted an escape too."

"After! Afterwards. You didn't think to ask him how he feels you just tried to take his clothes off, and for what? And don't even get me started that he did it, and he was nice to you! And then what did you do? Yell at him, for what, for being nice to you!? Un-fucking-believable."

"I'm allowed to back out. I didn't want to do it anymore. He was making it weird."

"Making it weird?" she scoffs loudly, "You just can't stand a little homosexuality, can you?"

"No! I never said- stop putting words into my mouth! I just didn't want to have sex, okay, I changed my mind, I'm allowed to do that."

"Of course you are. Everyone is. You didn't have to be a complete dick. I mean come on Woozi, you humiliated him and made him fucking cry. I had to pick up your mess. I had to take care of him after you tore him apart, simply because you didn't want to have sex. All you had to say is stop, and he would have stopped. He's not a fucking rapist."

"I did." I say it monotone, and quiet, cause I don't believe if I said stop he would've stopped. Does anyone actually stop when you ask them to? I haven't seen it.

"Don't give me some bullshit. Bumzu told me everything. How you made yourself the victim after he called you out on it."

"I didn't do anything like that!" I'm yelling now, and the rage is catching up with me. Finally.

"Yes you did!" she screams back, "He told me everything, how he was trying to calm you down and you hit him."

The last bit of memories are coming back from the other night. When I pushed out of his arms, I hit him in the face. That would explain the make up he was wearing at the cafe. Fuck. Fuck. I am a bad person. 

"You wanna talk about pretending, you been pretending to be tough since the year you all debuted. I know the real you-"

"Shut the fuck up, you don't know shit Raina, you don't know anything."

"I do! I do though. Take a look in a fucking mirror Jihoon. You think you look tough? You think you're intimidating? That you can go around yelling at your members when they slip up. You think you're cool?"

"No. N-no I never said I was. I'm not trying to be intimidating."

"You always wanted to stick out, be able to be someone that people can admire. But you're a mess. I get that you have your own problems, holding up the whole industry or whatever, but you need to grow up. Grow up and figure out who the hell you are, cause this isn't a good look on you. Pulling people down with you every time you get sad, or something doesn't go your way."

"Get out," I say through my locked jaw. I'm trying so hard not to lose my shit. 

"You're toxic. You know, you just spread you're negativity everywhere you go and wait for other people to clean up your messes. It's pathetic."

"You don't know anything noona."

"I do," she laughs, "I know everything. I know all about you, and about you and Han Dong Geun too."

That throws me off, I stumble back wards when she takes a step towards me, "Get the fuck out."

I pick up Wonwoo's book and chuck it at her. She dodges it, heading for the front door.

"Fuck you!" I finally get out, "Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you."

She stops at the door, locking eyes with mine, "you wish."

She closes the door behind her, and I go ballistic, I throw everything I can get my hands on at the door, the pillows, the empty cup no one put in the dish washer, the tv remotes, everything. Then I kick at the kitchen table over and over and over until my toes hurt. I throw myself at the floor, and this must be what it looks like to have a tantrum. Leaning on my knees, I keep my forehead on the ground and I cry, I punch the floor, and I cry harder. Then as suddenly as the tears started, they stopped. And I'm up on my feet again. I throw the pillows back on the couch, put Wonwoo's book back, making sure I didn't bend the pages, I put the batteries back in the remotes, and I put the cup in the dish washer. 

Now it's like it never happened.

I never know if feeling certain emotions is okay, or if I'm even allowed to feel anything at all. I hurt people too, they don't just hurt me. I need someone to give me instructions on what I'm allowed to feel and what I'm not allowed to feel. So I know if I'm doing this right.

I had no idea Raina could be so mean. I'm impressed, to be honest. It's almost admiring. With everything she said though, despite me knowing it's true, I can't focus on that. There was so much hurt in her face, that I can tell it's not just Bumzu's hurt she feels. She's hurt, and I try to shift through my blurred and suppressed memories to try and figure out why, if I hurt her and just can't recall it. I know that face. And it dawns on me. I know that face, because I've had that face. In the beginning. When it was all still fresh, the wounds, the bruises, the memories; what he did. 

Fuck.

**< <2 Months Later>>**

**February 2020: (An Ode Tour Continues)**

Hotel bathrooms scare me the most. I spend a good 20 minutes checking if the mirror is two-sided, or if there's hidden cameras in the towels, or tissue box, if I'm too paranoid and I can't reach the shower head I call in one of the members I'm rooming with to check it for me. And this one is too tall.

"Minygu," I call, I still have all my clothes on and I been in here for 15 minutes after saying I needed a shower, "Mingyu can you come here."

I unlock the door as I hear his footsteps, and looks at me confused for a second when he opens the door and I don't seem hurt or in need of anything. But then I point at the shower, and he knows exactly what I need.

"You know hyung, you really have to stop watching those crime shows, and horror youtube videos," there's a smile on his face up he's still doing what I taught almost every member, taking his phone flash light and checking each hole in the shower head.

"You never know," I say, and I'm never joking when it comes to these things, the members know that so they don't tease me. I'm thankful cause if they did, I would probably cry.

"It's good, hyung," Mingyu steps out of the tub and fiddles with his phone to turn to flashlight off.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

I scan the bathroom once more to see if I've missed anything, I nod at Mingyu, he rolls his eyes and closes the door behind him.

Despite all of this, I still keep my boxers on. When I have the room to myself or the members aren't home I would shower in my swimming trunks, but for now this will do.

Even though S.Coups is on a mental health break for his anxiety he still traveled with us in America to be there to shoot Snap Shoot, with that said he does not join us to the Philippines and after our first concert in Manila with have 2 weeks off to recharge before heading to Malaysia next.

Malaysia was beautiful, and I wanted to enjoy it, I set aside tomorrow, cleared my schedule of lying in bed and writing lyrics, so I can hang with the members.

The random number has been calling me once a week, I ignore it, or hang up, but what would be the harm of answering? It's probably a saesang who wants to record me saying hi so they can sell it on the internet. That's the worst I could think could happen.

I'm not calling back though, they'll call again. I'm sure of it. 

I been watching a lot of sexual assault survivor stories. I clear my history every night before I go to bed, but I haven't gotten what I wanted out of it. I don't know what I wanted. I expected them to make me cry, or give me some sort of strength. Strength to keep going, and to hold up on my own for a bit longer.

It's gotten hard, and I never expected it to get easier. It's gotten heavier. Without a shoulder to lean on I still pushed myself to be there when I noticed the other members going through a hardship, even if it wasn't as big as mine. Hurt is hurt. I understand all of it. 

It's the middle of the day and I don't expect anyone to be back for a few hours. We're not filming, and this is rare time between concerts, performing, recording, and practicing that I actually don't have a due date to finish writing songs, it's the in between and the nice beginning where I don't have to think about rushing or stressing.

But it's the perfect time to think, for a moment in a long long time I actually have a moment I can process everything that's happened in the last couple months.

I sit back, against the head board of the hotel bed, lean my head and stare at the ceiling for a long minute. I let my mind do loops, and think, and try to process a fraction of what I need it to so I can wake up tomorrow and be a little tiny bit lighter.

But then my phone rings.

I answer without a thought, "Hello?"

"Hey Jihoonie. You all in the Philippines still?"

It's Ailee.

"Yes. We have a couple weeks before the rest of the tour."

"I'm in Korea. Seeing S.Coups."

"Oh? Sorry I can't be there."

"It's alright, we were actually thinking we might come there."

Her voice is monotone, I can't pick up any excitement, or annoyance, or sadness. I can't pick up anything.

"Why?"

"I think it's best if we wait, Jihoonie."

"Noona," I sit up, patting the bed for the remote and turning it to mute when I get a hold of it, "Just tell me."

"Raina said you attacked her. And that something happened between you and Bumzu and you got mad that she called you out."

I feel gross. Disgusting. Dirty.

"I didn't attack her, we got into an argument. And what did she say about Bumzu Hyung?"

"That you and him got into it pretty bad. Bumzu went to her and she said he was crying, that you made him cry? She called me after you and her's argument. She was so mad I can see that she could be exaggerating but, what happened between you and Bumzu?"

"Nothing. He's the one that started it. I don't know what he expected."

"I don't know what you're talking about Jihoon, and I don't know what happened. But something did. Just tell me. I won't judge you."

"Nothing," I stand up, "Nothing happened between me and Bumzu. I haven't seen him since recording songs for An Ode. She's lying, or he is. Or they both are."

"Either way-"

"Either w- Do-do you believe me? Noona?"

"I don't know Jihoonie. Raina is just so upset, and she's so sorry for what she said. Though she hasn't told me anything, she said for what it counts for, she's sorry."

"Tell her sorrys don't mean anything, and if you're not going to believe me don't bother coming here. I'll see you if I see you. Be safe."

I hang up and throw my phone onto the bed. I can never just have a moment. Never can I just breathe for a minute and it not be difficult to get air. It just keeps piling on my shoulders.

I'm exhausted.

And I need a shower.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is always welcome. Also if y'all ever have any questions regarding not just the story but sexual trauma in general, I've studied it and experienced it, I would love to answer any questions you have for me. If it's out of curiosity, or educational purposes, or if you're worried that you or some one you may know could be going through this. Don't hesitate, I read everyone's comments. <33


	13. i died years ago, but no one noticed

I couldn't have always felt this way. Feeling in extremes, it's like there's this electricity in my bloodstream, and it forces me to stay on high alert at all times. 

I'm calmly packing all my things, checking the bed and covers once more, checking all the drawers and the bathroom to make sure I got all my clothes. Dk is still in bed, glancing at me every once in a while.

Ailee and S.Coups aren't coming here, manager hyung told us to pack up and be ready to leave at 7am, and right now it's 6 am. There's a huge part of me that wants to take an uber and take a different flight, leave everything behind and become a new person somewhere else. I don't want to face what ever is waiting for me back home.

But I also physically don't have the strength to do all of that, to find a way out like I've been having to do. It's all too heavy, and I am too tired to carry it all, all the time.

So I zip up my bags, make my bed, and climb into Dk's.

"Morning," Dk hums, "Are you ready to go home?"

I shake my head, still adjusting under the covers, Dk opens his arms invitingly, and I climb into them.

"Yeah me either, I was hoping for a small vacation."

I don't say anything, I lay my head on his chest and listen for Dk's heart. Then I count the beats. It's the only thing I can rely on not stopping, or going away.

"You're quiet. Are you worried?"

"What should I be worried about?"

 _Everything._ For starters.

"Manager hyung wouldn't make us leave if it wasn't important."

I try to shrug but I'm laying down and my shoulders are under Dk's arms.

"What do you think it is?"

"Hey! You all awake?" Seungkwan and Joshua are entering our room, "We're leaving in 15 minutes."

I close my eyes as they turn all the lights on, I wrap myself around Dk so he doesn't think about trying to let me go.

"Is that how you both slept?" Joshua smiles, as Seungkwan pulls out his phone to take a picture.

"Ahh cute!"

I don't protest or yell at them. I'm too tired for that. I have bigger worries, bigger problems to focus on than a picture of me and Dk cuddling being sent to the group chat.

"Well get up, we have to return the keys, and we can hit a place for breakfast before we go!"

I cling to Dk so when he gets up, I whine.

"Woozi's clingy," Joshua points out the obvious.

I don't care about the teasing today, they can say what ever. I have picked Dk to stay close to. He's not leaving my sight.

At the airport Carats and press are so excited to get pictures of me riding on Dk's back. Vernon and Joshua are carrying my bags. My arms stay wrapped around Dk's neck, and at one point Mingyu has Dino on his back and were racing to where we need to board the plane.

Dk sets me down at the entrance and I take my backpack from Vernon before he can put it with the suitcases.

I sit in the middle between Dk and Joshua when we finally get seated. We have 3 hours and 45 minutes before we reach Seoul, so I sit there absentminded, playing games on my phone waiting for Joshua and Dk to stop glancing at me, or talking to me, or touching me. I know they don't find anything wrong with it, patting my thighs, and gripping my arms, cause it's all out of love not force. But their hands won't stop. Why don't people ask if it's okay for them to touch you? Touching me without permission. There should be a death penalty for that.

But not for my members. No, I love them. They just have to learn how to keep their hands to themselves. I love them. I didn't mean them. I didn't mean them. I don't want them to die.

I'm getting up with out a word, pushing past Dk's legs. I wished death upon them subconsciously and I feel sick. 

My thoughts scare me.

I get inside the too small airplane bathroom, I still feel your hands around my neck at times, and it's like you're squeezing when all I want to do is breathe. So I start again, breathing, in and out, in, out, in, out. I breathe until I can feel the air go into my lungs. 

I'm okay.

We arrive around noon, and we waste no time on getting home. I'm thankful, cause all I need right now is a shower. A shower and maybe some sleep.

"Welcome home!" Ailee is at the doorway to let us in, the members smile and bow, keeping up a professional front around their Noona, or rather, our noona.

She gives hugs to those who aren't piled in bags.

"Let me take some," she says, and Joshua shakes his head.

"No we got it, thank you noona," Jeonghan says along with Seungkwan.

I try to sneak by but she grabs my arm pulling me back, "Ah, ah. You can't ignore me."

She pulls me into her chest, my bags are taken by Mingyu to be put in our room.

"Noona. You're gonna kill me."

"What a shame," she laughs, "come sit down, relax, your vacation isn't over."

"I know. That's why I was going to bed."

"It's the middle of the day. I made lunch with S.Coups for you all and if you don't eat it I'll be very offended."

I wonder if she's forgotten our conversation from yesterday. Or if it's just not a priority. Either way, I could care less. 

I let her grab my hand and pull me along to the kitchen after I take my shoes off. She sits at the head of the table and I sit next to her.

"We have coke," she puts to the pitcher meant for Lemonade with ice in it.

"Why?"

"I wanted it to look fancy. Don't judge."

I roll my eyes, and Ailee playfully hits me for that.

"Hello, am I late?" Manager hyung lets himself in, a dish in hand, he's welcomed by S.Coups who finally makes an appearance.

"Not at all," Ailee smiles, getting up to welcome him and take the dish so he doesn't put it in the wrong place on our table she specifically organized by foods.

"Hi manager hyung," Hoshi and all the maknae line enter at the same time, taking their seats.

"Welcome back boys," Manager hyung says, and he sits across from me, "How are you Jihoon-ah?"

"I'm fine," I say, remembering why we're even here, "What is this about?"

"Let's wait for everyone to get settled and I'll tell you."

The rest of the hyung line, excluding me, Hoshi, and S.Coups come in last, taking the last seats. No one makes a move towards the food yet.

"I know I've told you all that you can have your vacation in the Philippines so I apologize that you had to take an extra trip back home," manager hyung starts, and everyone is listening, no whispering or asking questions, yet, "For legal reasons I'm not able to tell you boys everything."

"Are we in trouble?" Dino is the one to ask, and I'm not the slightest bit surprised. Dino always needs the facts up front.

"No. I will assume not."

"Assume not?" The8 says suspiciously.

"Yes. I will assume none of you have harassed or harmed any one within the company. If you have though, this is a good time to step forward," he says it carefully, trying not to let his eyes linger on me for too long, he glances at everyone to make it seem normal.

Ailee grabs my hand from under the table, I look down, and she gives it a squeeze.

"Harass or harm? In what ways?" Seungkwan asks.

"Well saying it that way makes it seem worse then it might be. When I say harass it could be getting into an argument with another artist, maybe shared some unfair words in the moment. Harm as in, maybe you got into it with another artist and perhaps took a swing at someone, or maybe you didn't even mean to harm anyone but you did nevertheless. Do you boys understand what I'm saying?"

Everyone nods, except me.

"Jihoon?"

"Yes sir." I say but I can't bring my eyes up from the table, and my empty plate.

"Well. Anyone have anything to say?"

"We been on tour how could any of us be involved?" Joshua points out.

"This was before you all went on tour. However it has just now come to my attention."

"Well why now? Why not then?" I finally speak up.

"I don't know Jihoon. Maybe you can answer that for me." He must not like that I'm acting innocent, and I shouldn't be taken back but I am anyways. Everyone's eyes are on me, I squeeze Ailee's hand for support. Please I silently plead to her. Please have my back. Please be on my side.

"Just say it hyung," I force myself to meet his eyes, I keep my face still, and hope I don't look as scared as I am, "S.Coups hyung and Ailee noona already know. Why you talking through loops? Trying to get me to confess?"

"I would expect you to have that decency, yes."

"Decency?!" I stay seated. Stay calm.

"Yes. Respectfully Jihoon-ah, you have caused a lot of problems in the past several months. You can't deny that. I don't know if there's a feud going on between you and other artists but we need to figure it out, and break it down. I am quite tired of it."

Tired? He's tired? HA! He doesn't know what real tiredness feels like.

Everyone's eyes are on me, while I glare at the manager.

"What did you do hyung?" Dk asks, breaking the seconds of silence.

"Me and Bumzu got into it before we left for tour. I thought it was over though. It's not my fault if he's holding a grudge."

"You gave him a nasty bruise Woozi," S.Coups speaks up, "How did that happen with just words?"

"He wouldn't let me go," I mumble and I think about just telling them everything.

"Why would he be hanging onto you?"

"Because-because- I don't know Hyung. Ask him."

"I've actually asked him to meet us here," manager hyung says suddenly and like on cue the door bell rings, and Wonwoo gets up to answer it.

"Why?"

"Just to get both sides. We have to clear this up right now Jihoon-ah. Bumzu is one of your main producers. You can't avoid him forever."

I mean he isn't wrong. 

"Hey guys," Bumzu smiles at everyone, not giving me a single glance.

Manager hyung brings another chair over next to his so Bumzu's sitting between him and Ailee, and he's across from me. 

I haven't seen Bumzu since the cafe with Vernon. I wonder if he's going to tell them. I start preparing myself.

"So, where shall we start?"

"I'll start," Bumzu says and I just sit there, staring at him in new clothes, finally, "After I went to Woozi's studio, actually I'll start by saying, I went to Woozi's studio to check on him after that whole fake rumor thing. I just wanted to see if he was okay. Also Jeonghan wanted me to check on him."

"So Jeonghan-ah knew you went there."

"Yes."

I feel like we're getting interrogated with an audience.

"I didn't know anything happened though," Jeonghan says, "I didn't even get a text to know if Woozi really was okay. I saw him asleep in his room the next morning so I just assumed everything was back to normal."

"What happened at the studio?"

"Nothing really, we were talking about the rumor and how it might turn into a scandal and it kind of escalated from there."

"Escalated how?" Seungkwan asks before our manager could.

I know he doesn't know what to say now cause he finally looks at me. I plead with my eyes again. Bumzu understands he must.

"Well we," he pauses, looking for the right words, "we got into a deeper conversation, and I was just trying to cheer him up but he was being negative. I said he has to look on the bright side of things, and then he told me to, and I quote 'stop fucking talking'. It got pretty bad from there, he started yelling at me and I was trying to calm him down. But then he just kind of broke down and wouldn't let me near him," he meets my eyes then, "I was just trying to help."

"Woozi said you wouldn't let him go? Why were you holding onto him?" S.Coups asks and he looks at Bumzu like he may not be telling the whole truth.

"I was trying to calm him down. He was crying so I hugged him, and he hit me and left."

"That's not what happened," I say, and I try to sound confident but I've never felt this weak before.

"Then please tell them what happened," Bumzu says, annoyed, like he's doing me some sort of favor by not telling them the whole story.

"I told you to stop-"

"Yeah stop talking-"

"Let me finish," I say a little more confidently, "I told you to stop, I was trying to get you off of me-"

"I was just hugging you."

"Shut up and let me talk," I snap.

Bumzu slacks back in his chair, glaring at me.

"You took everything the wrong way. And I was trying to explain but you got all defensive, and yeah I was crying but that wasn't because of you I was just, I was," I look to Ailee to see her reaction, "tired. And stressed. And I didn't feel like having a deep conversation but you kept going. I didn't mean to hit you, I was just trying to push you away."

I observe his cheek where the bruise was, I could tell that it must have been pretty bad but right now it's just a yellow color and mostly faded. If it lasted this long, I can't imagine how hard I actually hit him. The end of that night was a blur.

Manager hyung looks between both of us, and the members are piecing together everything we both said.

"It sounds like to me, that this was just miscommunication and a misunderstanding with how you both were feeling," Hoshi points out, mostly because it's too quiet.

The other members nod though, and Ailee agrees.

"Bumzu, what do you think?"

"Okay."

"Okay?" I'm confused, "Okay what?"

"I forgive you."

I don't need his forgiveness.

"I am sorry Bumzu Hyung, I didn't mean to hurt you, physically."

He frowns at that.

"Can we talk alone?"

I look to Ailee, and then to the manager.

"Go on," manager says, "We'll wait so we can finally eat. It's gonna get cold."

"Oh I'm not staying," Bumzu says, "But it looks good, thank you for the offer. I have plans with Raina though."

"Bye Bumzu!"

I follow Bumzu out into the hall.

"Did any of that mean anything?"

"What? What I just said? Of course I-"

"No that night. Did it mean anything?"

"No. Hyung I told you it didn't it was just for fun."

"Okay, cause me and Raina might get together."

"Okay? Good for you two."

"What you said really hurt though, Woozi-ah, and I need you to know that."

"Okay."

"Okay? That's it?"

"What do you want me to say?"

"What is this?"

"What's what?"

"This act? This tough guy act, this no body can touch me act? It's not like you."

I know it's not. Thanks for noticing.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"You can act like that with other people, but not me. It's different with us, so just stop, okay?" He steps closer and he's talking quietly so no one can hear him but me.

"Why? Do you you think you're different? What makes you different from Dong Geun?" I step forward too.

"What does this have to do with Dong Geun? Why do you always have to bring someone else into it? I'm just worried for you Woozi. You're acting different and you're impulsive. You're going to get hurt."

"I already hurt," I say, and I let the rage leave an imprint on my words, "I'm already hurt."

"What does that mean? Woozi what are you talking about?"

"Nothing. It doesn't matter."

"I'm worried," he repeats and I can hear the sincerity.

 _Oh he's so worried_ , a voice mocks. His sincerity ignites a tiny fire in my rib cage.

"Now you're worried?" It spreads to my vital organs I am filled with pure rage, it's engulfing my heart and lungs in thick black smoke, "Wow, well, isn't this just a great time to start worrying about me. Thanks a lot hyung, but that really doesn't do me any good now!"

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

I've said too much.

"Just worry about yourself. Mind your own damn business. I can take care of myself!"

"I don't even recognize you anymore."

"Good! I don't need you."

I look at him, watch him turn shades of white, shades of hurt, and I feel my face start to smile.

"You know," he says quietly, "I can take anger issues. I can take fucked up. I can take all the baggage. But you," he looks me up and down, his eyes fill with water, and his voice shakes, "You're just a lost cause. There's no helping you."

If words were weapons, if they could wound you physically, then he just shot a hundred rounds of ammo into the center of my chest. I don't know how I'm still standing.

In shock and disbelief, I mutter, "what?"

"You heard me," he spats, and he steps closer and I expect him to scream at me, but he doesn't, and when he speaks again, its so quiet I have to lean in, "Raina was right, you're a fucking mess. I'll leave you to that. I'm not going to try and help you anymore." The words come through his teeth, he's unable to stop the tears, like it hurt him to say that, even more then it was to meant to hurt me.

I don't know what to do, so I try to touch his arm, and he flinches aggressively, snatching his whole body away from me.

"Bumzu- I- I'm sorry."

_Be mad, don't be hurt by me, don't leave broken and angry. Don't you know I'm not worth it?_

"Fuck off."

I stand there watching him walk away, wait for him to disappear in the elevator. Then I stand there for a few more minutes. Before going back inside.


	14. self indulgent men

I need Bumzu to know I'm sorry. But I don't know if I'll be able to get through to him anytime soon. I'll have to leave him be for a while, and let Raina pick up the mess I caused, again.

I don't need Bumzu's forgiveness. I don't believe in forgiveness. I think if you hurt someone it becomes a part of you both. Each of you just have to live with it and the person you hurt gets to decide if they want to give you the chance to do it again.

He's given me multiple chances. And I'm the one that failed him each time.

"What took so long?" Jun asks when I finally make my reappearance in the kitchen.

I'm still in a state of shock. I proved I am capable of hurting people. I'm capable of tearing them down. I'm capable of a lot of things. And I, only me, I was the one that made Bumzu cry, not once, but twice. Maybe more times that I just don't know about.

I can't blame you for that. I can't blame how the trauma you caused effected me. The wounds you caused are my responsibility to take care of. And I'm doing a shitty job.

"Noona," I say, "Can you come here?"

She nods, setting down her chop sticks, cause they didn't end up waiting, I took too long, and everyone was already eating and having their own conversations. My eyes meet Dk's as he gives me a look of concern. I don't think I'm doing a very good job at hiding it.

Ailee follows behind me, and I try to aim for my bedroom, but I feel nauseous so I turn at the last second into the bathroom. I get a swift look of myself in the mirror as I turn around towards Ailee. She's coming in, closing the door behind her. As soon as the door clicks shut, I break. I fold forwards, leaning into my knees as I try and take deep breaths so I don't sob too loudly. I cover my mouth with one hand and reach for Ailee with the other.

"Woozi-ssi," she holds onto me, not letting me fall, "Jihoonie, baby. What happened?"

And just like Bumzu, she shows a sincerity in her voice. But this time it doesn't make me angry, it makes me glad. She's noticing. She notices my pain. And maybe because she's a girl and not a self-indulgent man who can't give love, but lives to take it. Which isn't the same as receiving. She gives love without receiving any. They were in so much pain, those self-indulgent men, and that's always the perfect excuse to take, when the person is unwilling.

I can't speak. I can't even breathe properly, I'm choking on my sobs, trying so hard to be quiet.

She lowers me to the ground, so now we're sitting on the bathroom floor, that's dirty and probably hasn't been properly cleaned in years, and she doesn't care, cause her focus, all of it, is on me.

"Shhhh," she hums, rocking me back and forth, running her fingers through my hair, "It's okay."

It's not though.

She has me breathing with her, and I'm finally calming down. With me still practically in her lap she leans over me to grab the toilet paper, and for the first time in forever, I don't freak out. I trust her.

She rips off pieces of toilet paper to dab my eyes with, get the sticky tear residue off my face. 

"Are you okay?" She asks, leaning against the locked door. I'm washing my face, trying to avoid my reflection at all costs.

"I'm hungry," I say, and she smiles.

"I made extra white rice for you."

I nod, "I got your shoulder wet."

"Worse things has happened."

I look at her and feel the corners of my mouth pull upward, it almost hurts, but in a different way than my stomach. It hurts like it's the very first time I've ever smiled in my entire life. Ailee laughs, but then pulls me into a tight hug, "Are you really okay?"

I nod into her shoulder, even though I'm not sure if I am-- or if I ever will be.

Anyone can tell I been crying but no one says anything when I sit back down at the table and begin to eat. However when the members start to clean up their plates, when they pass me they either pat me on my head, or give me a hug from behind. None of them ask me if I'm okay, and for that I'm thankful.

Ailee stays the night that night and I try to give her my bed but she insists that we just share. I fall asleep in her arms, her soothingly combing my hair back until I fall asleep. She holds me the entire night, so everything I wake up from a night mare I'm immediately reminded that I am safe. It's the first time I sleep almost through the whole night. 

The next morning I wake up on my own, and I wiggle out of Ailee's arms, brush my teeth then join Mingyu, S.Coups, The8, Dk, and Dino in the kitchen.

"Morning Hyung," Dk greets first, coming up to me immediately to hug me.

"Morning," I grumble through my morning voice.

"Noona still asleep?" S.Coups asks, he's already seated at the table, drinking coffee and scrolling on his phone, probably on Weverse, where we all end up in the morning.

"Yeah, she sleeps through everything, she almost didn't let me go."

The8 laughs quietly while handing me a cup of my own coffee.

"Thank you."

I sit by S.Coups watching him reply to fans while I sip my coffee occasionally. I left my phone in the bedroom, I don't want to look at it and see the missed texts and calls.

Jun joins us quickly, and is soon sitting on the other side of me, showing me memes, and funny pictures him and Vernon have taken or found online.

"Good morning boys," Ailee enters, hair in a messy pony tail, and she's wearing my shirt which fits her somehow.

"Want anything to eat noona?" Dino asks, the gentleman in him coming out, caused by hanging around Joshua too much.

"No Dino-ah I'm okay. Has everyone eaten already?"

Most members are snacking on fruit or a bowl of cereal. Wonwoo, Vernon, Joshua, Seungkwan, and Hoshi have yet to join us, but I know Hoshi is up cause I saw him head for the shower.

"Most of us aren't awake yet," S.coups points out, as a zombie looking Seungkwan makes his appearance.

Ailee laughs, "Ahh, I see. Well wake up who ever isn't up, and get ready. I'm taking everyone to breakfast."

"Awww!" Seungkwan peaks up, eyes wide, "Really?"

"Yes! Of course! Now go on, everyone get ready."

A chorus of "Thank you noona"s fill the air as everyone jumps up and runs different directions to get their stuff. Meanwhile Ailee sits down next to me.

"You sleep well?"

"Mmmhmm."

She hangs on me, pushing the cup of coffee away, "We're going to go to Raina's today. Bumzu's there, and were going to talk this out. Okay?"

I just stare at her.

"I'll be there the whole time, it'll just be the four of us, no cameras, no nothing. I have your back, Woozi-ah."

"They aren't the biggest fans of me right now, noona."

"I know. And I'm not a big fan of Bumzu or Raina right now. It evens out."

I smile, "Thank you."

For the first time it feels like someone is on my side and isn't gonna leave me behind when I get too much.

I am shaking. I am waiting. We are sitting in Bumzu's studio in Pledis building, on Bumzu's couch. Raina and Bumzu are sitting in the fancy desk chairs across from us. Raina's arms are crossed while her and Ailee have an intense staring contest. Bumzu is picking at his nails, keeping his glaze low, and towards the ground.

I don't know what to say, if I should be apologizing or if they should be apologizing to me. They said cruel things, and I honestly can't remember if I said anything back or what I said if I did. My memory hasn't been good for years, but lately everything feels like a dream so I don't really know whats reality and what's not. 

"So," Raina hums low, and she's clearly annoyed, "Why are you here?"

"To work out you three's problem. Since everything ends in a screaming match, I'm here to keep everything on track."

"If you're here only to listen to Jihoon-ah's side of the story, I'm gonna tell you to leave."

"I'm here to hear _every_ side of the story."

"Good to know," Raina switches legs, leaning forward on her hand, her glaze lingers to me, "Jihoon, why don't you start?"

I look to Ailee, she doesn't hold my hand or nod reassuringly, she has to act neutral so they don't she's only on my side. Right now though, I need it more than ever.

"Have you told Ailee?" Bumzu asks suddenly, I look at him but he's still looking at the ground.

"Told me what?"

"That Jihoon tried to seduce Bumzu," the words slip off her tongue so easily, each coated with hate towards me, it's like she's spitting them on me.

I don't want to see her reaction but I can't look away as the words finally seep and she's processing them so slowly. I wait. She turns to me, looks forward again, glances at Bumzu's slumped figure, then looks back at me again.

"I'm sorry. What?"

Raina laughs. I cringe, I watch as Bumzu flinches, but straightens himself up again. I guess so he doesn't seem like he's losing his pride, even though I can tell it's already lost.

"You heard me."

"No I don't think I did," Ailee pauses, "I don't think I heard you right."

"Jihoon needs to apologize."

"For sex?" Ailee is on guard now.

"No. They didn't even have sex, hence he 'tried'. Not did."

"I'm sorry. I-I am so lost."

"Me and Jihoon almost had sex but Jihoon freaked out on me, hit me, and ran."

"Why do you have to specify that I hit you?"

"Cause you did," Raina spits back.

"Okay, but I apologized. Can't we just forget it?"

"Yeah sure. Some fucking apology," Raina rolls her eyes.

"He did apologize though, I was there," Ailee buts in.

"You weren't there in the hall with us," Bumzu says, glancing up at me.

"Oh really," I shake my head disappointed, "I wasn't the one who blew up."

"Maybe you weren't there then," Bumzu snaps.

"No I was. You said I was fucked up, a fucking mess, and a lost cause. You also said I have anger issues which I agree with. Actually no," I stand up, trying not to pace but it's hard, "I agree with everything you said. I am fucked up. I am a fucking mess. Is that what you wanted to hear?"

I look down at Bumzu and Raina, who are both sitting still, Raina is glaring at me like I am her worst enemy, but Bumzu looks upset, kind of sad. Ailee isn't holding me back so I take that as I a cue to keep going. At least until I am satisfied.

"Tell me what you want to hear Bumzu. That I'm a lost cause? You want to hear it from me? Fine. I am. I am a fucking lost cause, and no one can help me. You too Raina," I gesture to her, "I'm a fucking mess. I'm not tough, I'm not cool, or intimidating either. Maybe I am toxic, to be honest I don't know, and if I am, I don't want to be, and I apologize."

"You gonna apologize to me for cleaning up your messes too?" Raina stand up then, crossing her arms, her and Ailee are the same height, I am smaller by two inches, so she can act intimidating by hovering over me with those extra 2 inches, and I let her.

I know it should make me angry, I can tell by just a glance at Ailee's face that it made her furious. But I can't feel any of the rage inside yet, it's still bubbling up.

"Yes."

She waits, but I don't really understand why I'm apologizing.

"Why does he have to apologize to you?" Ailee stands next to me, "Did Bumzu hold a gun to your head and ask for you to pick up the mess Jihoon caused. Can he not figure it out himself?"

They're talking like Bumzu isn't right there.

"No, but I care about him so of course I'm going to be there."

"What gives you the right to throw this all on Jihoon, though, like you haven't done anything," Ailee is level with her and Raina's rage is boiling over her edges, if this were a cartoon it would be coming out of her ears.

"Everything that we said was true, what Jihoon said wasn't."

I scoff at that, "No what I said was true. Neither of you know shit. In fact none of you do."

I don't know why I say this. It's like a direct attack on Ailee, willingly putting her in the dark and pushing her away from being on my side. I curse at myself.

"Ohhh," Raina says like it all clicks, like she can read my mind, or see the past somehow, "But I do. And Bumzu does. Do you want us to enlighten Ailee as well?"

"What are you talking about?"

"You and Han Dong Geun, you know, doing it."

The word sticks in my throat, gluing my mouth closed for a few seconds so I don't straight out scream.

"Wh-what are y-you talking about?"

"Noona," Bumzu starts, standing up as well, "It doesn't matter."

"No it does," me and Raina say at once.

"See. It does Bumzu," Raina says, "It makes since why you always bring him up in arguments. Bumzu was your rebound, right? You did a god job at making him feel like one." **(A/N: for non-English speakers I don't know if rebound means the same in your country so I'll leave this. Rebound is after someone gets broken up with and finds a temporary person to act as their significant other, mostly in sexual ways)**

"I am so confused." Ailee says, "Can we back up? I can't keep track."

Without meaning to Ailee implies that I'm a whore. And I know she doesn't mean it. I know it's just a lot of information at once that she's trying to process fast enough to keep up with this argument, but still, it still makes me feel like I just got hit by a semi.

"To sum it up. Jihoon slept with Dong Geun, I assume they dated or just had it out for each other. When Dong Geun left the company like me, that was that, it was over. So Jihoon made Bumzu his rebound. Bumzu knew though, he knew before me, he was the one that told me Jihoon and Dong Geun left together. Of course Bumzu is going to be hurt by that, it's competely normal-"

"Where did you get that? Wh-wh-why do you think that?" I can barely hang on to the thought long enough to get the words out, "Why would you ever say that?" All I can hear in my head is my name and your name, together, over, over, over, and over again.

"It's a known thing, Jihoon, we've known for a while. We're not judging you for that. Though it is kind of fucked up to sleep with your best friend's best friend, don't you think."

I can feel Raina and Ailee's eyes on me, but I don't care. Raina's words go in one ear and out the other, I don't care what she has to say anymore. My eyes focus on Bumzu, and I'm pushing back the pure fear that turning into rage slowly.

"Why would you make something like that up?" my words are venomous, I can hear how hard they are sounding, how mean I sound. I'm ready to break his face, "Then tell people? That's th-that-" but I don't know what I'm going to say. I feel sick.

"I'm not making it up," Bumzu says, and he's defensive suddenly, "He told me! So you don't have to act like-"

"I never." breathe, "Never. I never, you fucking liar! I hate him!" I'm in his face, Ailee is behind me but neither of the girls make a move, "I would never. I hate him more than anyone in the entire fucking universe. He disgusts me."

I'm screaming I realize, I realize because they all take a couple steps back.

"He said that you and him-"

"I wish he were dead okay? I hope. He fucking dies. Nothing would make me happier than for something really horrible to happen to him. Do you get that?" I'm inches from his face now, Ailee's hands start to wrap around my waist, ready to pull me back, "Do you fucking understand? Do you fucking get it?" I feel a different kind of rage in me, mostly cause I'm more reacting off fear, so much fear, I'm practically in survival mode. My hands could easily reach out and strangle him, like they're being controlled by some other part of my brain that's immune to logic, not effected by it, it does what it wants. The same part of my brain that has allowed me to say all these fucked up things. This is different. This isn't anger. This is fear. 

Next thing I know, Bumzu is on the floor, and Raina is screaming at me while Ailee is pulling me back. I shoved him into his desk, and instead of getting up, he sits there, staring back at me.

"I'll fucking kill you if you say that to anyone else. I'll fucking kill you. Don't you ever say that again? Or- I'll- or-"

"Jihoonie, let it go," I hear Ailee in my head, but she's actually saying it into my ear.

Raina is pushing us out, Ailee is dragging me by my waist. I keep eye contact with Bumzu until the door is shut in my face.


	15. I didn't think I'd live this long & I don't think I should have

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: verbal harassment, mention of r4pe, r4pist appearance, physical assault

_"Jihoon I need you to calm down," Ailee's hands are on each of my shoulders pushing me back against the wall. I was lashing out, and she's holding my arms to my sides, "Listen Jihoon, you need to calm down."_

_I push her away, my heart skipping beats, my head pounding, I watch my feet and I'm moving forward. I hear Ailee's footsteps behind me so I walk faster, and around the corner._

_"I have my flight in a hour, I can cancel it and we can talk about what happened in there."_

_I turn around, Ailee stops abruptly so she doesn't slam into me. I'm inches from Ailee's face now._

_"I don't want to talk about it noona. I don't want to talk. Please leave me alone."_

_"You're not okay!" she says, and I take those words and spit them back out. I don't have time for feelings._

_"I am," I mutter, "I am."_

_"Stop lying to yourself," she scoffs._

_"I don't like people accusing me of things I didn't do."_

_"I know."_

_"Then why do you keep bothering?"_

_"Cause I'm worried."_

_"Get in line."_

After Ailee finally leaves I take the uber to the old SOPA building where we recorded our first albums and practiced our first choreographed dances. It's dark when the uber pulls up to the front of the building, I get out with a 'thank you' and rush to the front doors cause it's raining, and I don't remember it starting to rain.

The front desk is unoccupied, all the lights are on and I know it's not closed cause they are never closed. We used to train here until 5 in the morning, shower, then go to school. I take the elevator up to the dance studio. I walk past other rooms and some windows are fogged from the dancers, I reminisce on those days, thanking god it's over. I keep walking, listening to different music, I even catch Adore U playing, I finally come to our old training room, I look in and the lights are off. I check the door, it's unlocked, I push it open and instinctively turn the lights on, and pull the blinds down. 

Of all the things this trauma has taken from me, the worst is my willingness, or even my ability to be vulnerable. There's a reclaiming that has to happen. Maybe I just have to start from the beginning again.

But I also think the pain will linger deep within me, no matter how far I get from it. It will always be somewhere under the surface, close enough for me to feel still, but not close enough for people to see from the outside. It can stay locked inside if I learn how to control it.

I feel like everyone is moving on with their lives and I'm the only one that stays still. Trapped in some sort of time warp.

"Want to tell me why Raina called me accusing me of lying?"

I almost get whiplash turning around. I look into the mirror, see if I'm hallucinating. 

"I'm really here," you laugh, "You think you gone crazy?"

"Why are you here?" I can barely get the words past my teeth.

"I was helping some trainees," you close the door, "and saw the light on in here."

My heart skips a few beats as you step closer, I step back.

I want to rip out your teeth. Let you feel a fraction of the pain you caused me. Or you may have caused others.

"You shouldn't be going around lying then."

"Who said I was lying? You?" he laughs wholeheartedly, he knows there's no cameras in here. No trainees means no cameras.

"Did you do it to Raina too?" I don't know how I can sound so confident in front of the person who's broken me down the most.

"Please," he scoffs, like I'm saying something ridiculous, like I'm the liar, "I'm not a fucking rapist."

And he smiles. You smile. _You smile._

"What?" this time I step forward, and it hits me, the smell.

He's drunk.

"You let me."

"No." I didn't. I didn't have a choice.

"You did-" he starts to laugh, his eyes drift closed, then open, wander over my body and suddenly I feel bare, like he has stripped me but only with his eyes, "You let me. You wanted it." He stumbles forward a bit, he's not drunk enough for it to be obvious but I can tell, cause I can smell drunks from a mile away. "Like she wanted it."

I hear Raina in my head, ' _I know everything. I know all about you and Dong Geun'_. Then I hear the warning, maybe she didn't mean it as a warning, or a call for help, but that's what I took it as, _'all you had to say was stop and he would have stopped. He's not a fucking rapist'_.

My head is pounding harder, the rain pours outside, its loud enough that we hear it hitting the roof floors above us. I take another step forward, I reach out, and I watch in the mirror as you fall backwards. I plant my legs on either side of you, while you're still on the ground. My heart dulls until it stops and I grab you by the collar of your shirt, pulling you up just so I can push you down again. I want to bury you.

"She wanted it too," you say through gritted teeth.

I want to burn a moment of helplessness into you so you can know what I feel, what's followed me ever since. So I _(you)_ cover _(cover)_ your _(my)_ mouth _(mouth)._

I cry the entire way home, just walking down the streets sobbing. It's dark and I took a back way, but I still don't care who could see me, or what I look like. I get back to our building and I go straight to my studio, lock myself in and take the extra precautions to use the chain lock and put a chair in front of the door.

I made a lot of people cry. Hurt a lot of people. I think about that as I throw myself on the couch and stare at the ceiling for hours. After hours of dwelling on this, I make myself physically ill.

I don't go home the next day. Or the day after that. I stay locked in here, feeding on snacks I've had in drawers and small waters and coffees in my mini fridge. I sneak out to the hall bathroom when no one's around, in the middle of the night.

I haven't brushed my teeth, or taken a shower. But there's a big part of me that feels the worst I've ever felt. I feel dirtier than I've ever felt. I can feel the black hole in my chest consuming me. Maybe for good this time. I can't face anyone. I tell the members I'm working, I had an peak of inspiration. And no one bothers me at all. All day and night, I just sleep, and sleep, and sleep, and keep my phone off, and just hope everyone will forget my existence. 

I don't know when it gets to me, but the overwhelming feeling of your hands on me, trying to fight back, and your smell. It all lingers. And it finally gets too much for me to handle. So I head home that night, the 3rd night I've been gone.

I train myself on the way home. I need to keep all this darkness inside of me so it doesn't devour any more people. All those 72 hours of staring at the ceiling and sleeping, I still haven't processed anything from the past week. I know it'll catch up with me eventually, probably sooner than not, but I let the emotionally numbing feeling stay as long as it wants. At least until I can snap out of it.

The first thing I do is shower, sit under the hot water until it turns cold. Then I get out, wrap a towel around me, and stare at the door for 15 minutes before I can force myself to go get clothes. Everyone is asleep, and I am exhausted. Being terrified all the time is exhausting. It devours all of your energy, your ability to move, to think, to perceive what is real anymore. It takes away your body heat. It stresses your body so much you can’t eat or sleep normally. How are we expected to bear this and act normal? How would anyone be able to function. This is damaging and in long term turns into torture. This isn’t a small thing. It’s eating me from the inside.

"Calm down, this is all going to be worked out. I'm sure it was just a huge misunderstanding," I hear Jeonghan speak as I get to the stairs leading to the living room.

"We've had a lot of those lately," S.Coups says with a deep sigh. I feel bad, cause I know he's supposed to be taking a break.

"You weren't there hyungs, I think it's bad. Right Jun hyung?" It's Dino, I hear the distress in his voice.

I step further into the hall, observing S.Coups and Jeonghan on either side of Dino on the couch, Jun sitting on the floor next to Joshua and Hoshi. Wonwoo and the rest of the maknae line aren't in sight. This must be serious.

"It'll be okay Dino-ah," Joshua hums, always the reassuring one even if he can't predict the outcome.

"I don't think we should discuss this. We don't know anything for sure," Jun looks stressed, and concerned. Emotions that are rare from the carefree 5 year old man.

"What do you mean? You don't think he did it do you?!" Dino says, looking betrayed, Jeonghan pulls him back from getting up.

"I never said that. I just don't think it's our business."

"He's our hyung, and was our co-producer. He's a friend, and Bumzu's best friend. He's practically family," Dino is almost frantic, trying to prove some type of point. S.Coups squeezes his hand comfortingly.

I can easily piece together who they are talking about. I choose not to though. 

"What's going on?"

All heads turn towards me.

"Woozi-ah, you're home," Hoshi smiles, standing to hug me.

"What's going on?" I repeat, giving a hug back to Hoshi, just to satisfy him, and I been pretty neglectful towards everyone lately. It's the least I can do.

"It's Dong Geun hyung," Joshua states.

"What did he do?" I ask, surprisingly calm.

"Do? He didn't do anything."

"We don't know that," Jun says, and Dino glares.

"Innocent until proven guilty. He told me this would happen when he left, a bunch of rumors would appear. Woozi-hyung should understand misunderstandings and rumors."

"What was he accused of?" I rephrase, I don't have time to tick off the maknae. If he throws at me I'll throw back, and he won't like the outcome.

"A trainee at SOPA accused him of sexually abusing him. It's not true. It can't be because Hyung told me he hasn't been back at SOPA for years. I asked him to promise me he didn't do it. He promised, but then the police showed."

"Where was this?" I ask first, as my head screams, a little person instead my head shouting at me telling me they saw this coming. 

You did it. Of course you did it. There's no question about that. But, did I do it too? I listened to you, I kept it a secret, I didn't tell anyone, and then you went and did it again to Raina, and this trainee. Whoever this kid is, he was brave, smart. Not like me. I am the same sniveling coward I was then.

"At Bumzu's studio."

"Was Bumzu there?"

"Yeah. He was just as shocked."

"Oh?" I can't stop myself from laughing now, "so you believe him?"

"Woozi-ah this isn't funny. Dong Geun meant a lot to Jun and Dino-ah," S.Coups is scolding me but I can't help it, I laugh harder.

I regain myself, calming myself down. Dino is boiling holes into my heart.

"The trainee thought he had a relationship with Dong Geun, but when Dong Geun hyung left the company he had to break it off with the trainee for good. And the trainee said he was going to get back at him. How could you laugh at that hyung? This could ruin his career. His entire life."

"Well. Is it out?"

"No."

Accused rapists are guilty until proven innocent. In my world.

"Then he doesn't have nothing to worry about."

"It just doesn't make sense, it doesn't add up. Dong Geun and this trainee, he's an adult, he's 21, and they were together for a few months now, since Dong Geun left the company. Obviously they kept it a secret cause the trainee could be kicked out. But they genuinely liked each other. Why would he have to take advantage of someone he's already sleeping with?"

"They were sleeping together?"

"I mean yeah, they were a couple. They were, they broke up. Dong Geun broke up with him so he can focus on training, he was gonna get kicked out. Dong Geun was trying to look out for him. It just doesn't make sense."

It made sense to me. You needed to make him feel owned, disposable, and worthless. You needed to hurt him, needed to leave him powerless. That's the kind of person you are.

"He didn't even report it for days," Dino says like this is some huge important piece of information, as if it means something. A few days is nothing to 6 years.

"I didn't know Dong Geun was gay." I'm not making a joke.

"Really?" Dino rolls his eyes, "That's what you get out of that."

I simply shrug, "maybe he's not lying."

"Why would you say that?" Jeonghan snaps at me, "Don't wish anything like that on anyone, or the supposed victim. This is an awful thing to happen to anyone."

"Being accused or being the victim?" I cross my arms. I really want to know the answer to this one.

"Both. What's wrong with you? You're home now, and you want to stir up shit? The police are coming to question each of us, tell them what you think not us."

"You can't go telling the cops you think Dong Geun did it, just because you have bad blood with him," Hoshi says.

The other hyungs and Dino nod, staring at me, waiting for me to say something to that. I scoff.

"I'm not talking to the police."

"You have to. We all do," S.Coups states. 

"If you hate people accusing you of things so much," Dino suddenly says, "Then maybe put yourself in Dong Geun's shoes. How would you feel if someone accused you of something like this?"

"I would never be in that position to be accused of something as awful as rape."

"H-he did-didn't." Dino stutters, pauses, glares, and stands up so he's level with me, a few feet away, he starts again, "You sound pretty confident for someone who's been accused of multiple things you supposedly didn't do in only the past few months."

"Fuck you," I snarl, "Fuck you Dino-ah. Dong Geun isn't your family or your friend. We are. Seventeen is. Start acting like it."

He looks as if I've punched him. He's hurt, and I've never seen Dino visibly hurt like this. I almost feel bad.

"Fuck you," Dino yells back, and he's actually tearing up. Jeonghan gets up to hug him.

"I think you should go," S.Coups says sternly.

"Go where?"

"Anywhere but here."

I go back to my studio. I sit down on the floor, with the lights all off except for the sign Bumzu got me for my birthday that says Woozi's Studio. I let my head lean back against the couch. I close my eyes. I can't keep it any longer. Can't keep holding it back. I feel something break like a levee inside my head. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what you all been waiting for. woozi is finally breaking.


	16. the part of the story no one wants to hear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING (GRAPHIC): R4pe
> 
> You're not alone. Confidential help is available for free.  
> National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673  
> (Available 24 hours everyday)

**TRIGGER WARNING (GRAPHIC): _R4pe_**

**_(On a Graphic Scale I would say this is a 8 or 9)_ **

**_Please please if you need to take a break while reading this, do it. It's okay. Much Love <3_ **

WHAT HAPPENED: _I answer the door before the doorbell can ring a third time, unlocking the chain and dead bolt. I put on a big smile, tucking in the front of my shirt so it doesn't hang to my knees._

_"Hi you must be Dong Geun. Bumzu told me you were coming," I bow, he smiles back, giving me a slight bow back._

_"It's nice to meet you, Woozi-ssi."_

_Bumzu didn't tell me he was older. Shit._

_"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you were older."_

_"It's okay, no need to apologize."_

_"I've seen you around but I didn't know you were a producer," I say, cause I didn't. I remember him coming into our dance studio and tried to dance with us but he got kicked out cause our dance teacher didn't like him._

_Our dance teacher was quite harsh. He just wasn't meant to be a dancer._

_"I'm a man of many talents," he jokes, but he's serious._

_He sits down in the chair Bumzu usually sits in. I show him the ropes, like he's not a producer and not older than me. He doesn't scold me though, he just smiles, letting me lead._

_"Come on you can trust me," he spoke in a strange way, it sounded serious, like we were still talking music but not really cause he was smiling. I don't quite catch what he means, but I smile back anyways._

_Laughing awkwardly, just trying to be polite I say, "A friend of Bumzu Hyung is a friend of mine. Of course I trust you."_

_He leans onto the chair rest, watching over my shoulder as I show him what we're working on. He comments on the song names, and the lyrics._

_"Let me take over," he says as he watches me get more and more stressed on how the beat and melody sound._

_I take a seat on the couch, he turns on some music and I get lost in it. I don't notice how tired I am. I been working for over 24 hours, since getting home from Busan. Eventually drift off with a smile on my face watching the man I just met bopping his head to the music._

_I woke up still on the couch but someone is climbing on top of me, jabbing his knees into my sides. I open my mouth. I try to speak. He covers my mouth right away. So I can't scream. No one would hear anyways. This studio is soundproof._

_"Shut up," he whispers into my ear, kissing me up the neck,_ _"You want this. When will you ever get action like this again? Let it soak in, you'll enjoy it. Just enjoy yourself."_

_I bite his hand._

_"Fuck," he yells out, then wraps his hands around my neck, pulling me up then bashing my head against the couch arm rest. I don't know what else to do. So I cry and wait for it to be over. And what do you do when a person won't stop crying?_

_You cover their mouth._

_"So selfish. So stupid. I know you're not so prove it to me. Prove it so I won't have to hurt you."_

_And when I don't move he scoffs. I can't move I'm underneath him and his hands are still around my throat._

_"Disrespectful. Are you always this fucking rude? Just do what you're told."_

_I look to the clock. It's 1:59 am._

_"No," his hands leave my neck, one grabs my face, "look at me."_

_I squeeze my eyes shut. He's kissing down my neck again, stretching my shirt down so he can leave bite marks. I reach for his face but I'm too slow he pins my wrists against the couch._

_He explores the terrain of my body like it's the first time he's ever felt one. I can tell he finds pleasure in just the fact of being bigger than me. He must be thinking about how easy this will be. He negotiates the terms like I have a choice on being here._

_"You want this." He says._

_And he makes me believe it for a second, makes me want to want it, sliding his hand in places I know they shouldn't be. I am not 19 yet, I am not an adult, this is illegal._

_I don't tell him that though, cause he knows how old I am and he knows what he's doing. He just doesn't care._

_I think in my head if I'll have to go to the doctor or not, and if I do, I practice what I'll say, 'I'm 19. I am legal, or almost legal. I am old enough to make the decision that I do not want to report'. I doubt I'll remember that by tomorrow._

_I'm pulled out of my thoughts quickly. He's unzipping my pants, my favorite Adidas sweat pants, they have pockets and everything. The first brand name clothing I bought with my own money. I realize I am watching him use both hands to take my sweats off, I don't know what to do with my arms so I push myself up and start kicking fiercely at his chest. I manage to kick him hard enough so he loses his balance and falls off the couch._

_"You fucking whore," he yells. He must know this place is soundproof. Of course he must, he's been here longer than I have._

_He lounges at me and I instinctively cover my face. My pants are to my knees, but I still have my boxers on._

_"Please," it's the only word I manage to say the whole night, and he ignores it._

_He's muttering curse words as he pulls me back on the couch, back down, by my legs, ripping the sweats off me the rest of the way. His hands wander up my shirt from the bottom, he grips each side of my waist and kisses me. On my lips. I never kissed anyone before. Besides S.Coups. And this was supposed to be intimate, I can tell mostly cause he pulls away aggressively angry that I didn't try._

_"Kiss me back," he says, and pushes his lips against mine again._

_I will never forget the smell, his signature smell, as he gently bites my top lip and forces his tongue into my mouth. I wished for the adrenaline rush that people talked about on TV, the kind where you get super strength for a few minutes so you can get out of danger or harms way. My body wasn't applying to what I needed it to do. It was limp, I felt like a rag doll, or worse and more accurate, a sex doll._

_He releases for a few seconds and I think maybe I can stop him. The urgency isn't there though. My brain and body haven't processed this as a dangerous situation yet. He kisses me again, just as aggressively, taking the air out of me, I gasp when he pulls away._

_He pulls my shirt off next, and I hear it stretch almost tear. I'm afraid to move and I don't want to help him. He's strong enough to throw me around so it's easy for him._

_He's practically sitting on top of me as he takes his own shirt off. He gets up for a moment and I stare at the ceiling as I listen. I hear the chain lock, and I can't tell if that's him locking or unlocking it. When he returns I release it was him locking it. He smiles at me as he strips of his remaining clothes, and I try not to look. I don't want to look, but he grabs my face and makes me. He laughs as my embarrassed face, and then he climbs right back in his position._

_He goes for my boxers next, and that's when the sirens go off in my brain and I start to panic. I curse at myself. You're late. You're awfully late to be telling me I'm in danger. I hit his chest over and over, he uses one hand to push my face slide ways into the couch cushion. I'm staring at my laptop, still open, and the clock, it now reads 2:03 am. It's only been 4 bloody minutes. He gets my boxers off and throws them on the ground._

_He's making these weird sounds, moaning, and grunting, and he sounds like a horny hungry man. I squeeze my eyes shut and my legs so hard my knees are surely being bruised._

_He pulls me farther down the couch, and because I'm so short my feet hasn't touched the bottom yet, and he manages to pin my arms above my head still with room for him to do as he pleases. He fits both my wrists under his one hand, strong enough to keep them down, my wrist bones grind together. I cross my legs the best I can._

_"God dammit, just-just- stay still," he's shaking from holding me down so tightly, perhaps, "Stay still or I'll fucking kill you."_

_My eyes snap open. I can't process the end of that sentence, I'm trying to escape mentally. Telling myself my body is someone else's, this is not me, this is someone else's body._

_My legs are shaking from the strain of being pushed together so tightly. I tried. I tried. I did. I didn't let this happen voluntarily. Nevertheless, It's 2:05 am and he's got them apart. The couch makes weird squeaking sounds, it's leather, so it's loud._

_Quickly though I'm not thinking about the leather couch or the strain in my legs, or the tears rolling down the sides of my face as I'm faced towards the ceiling, or my clogged up nose, or the fact that I. can't. breathe. All I can think about is that it hurts. It hurts, hurts, hurts, hurts, and I didn't expect it to hurt this bad. His hand is steadily secured around my entire mouth, so the screams, the screaming I think is loud and out loud, isn't, and it's actually muffled, and it sounds like I'm trying to talk underwater._

_Then the pain becomes secondary for a second, because for a moment, I think I might actually die right here, right now. I can't breathe. No sounds could get out of my mouth and no air could get in. And the weight of his body on top of me is so heavy I feel crushed, my ribs feel like they are collapsing with my lungs. My body is moving a steady pace, up and down, up and down, my head nearing hitting the couch arm rest as my wrists and arms get squished above my head. He used one hand-- just one-- to hold both my arms above my head, and the other move to my throat so he can stop me anytime I try to yell out, and he still managed to act like that was the easy part. The sounds are involuntary: the gurgling and sputtering-- the dying noises-- noises the body just makes as it dies._

_Did he know he was killing me? He must notice he's killing me, but he's too focused on thrusting into me still. Despite that, despite everything, I still wanted to tap him on the shoulder and tell him, 'hey I'm about to die, you are about to be not only a rapist but a murderer too' and I don't think that's what he's signed up for._

_At some point though, I just stop all together, my body goes completely involuntarily limp. By 2:08 am, it's over. He's finished, and I feel the sticky feeling every where, but it's over. It's over. And he lets my arms go. I try to move to fast, and he slaps a hand over my mouth again as he's panting, trying to catch his breath. He's acting like he's the one that was fighting back the entire time._

_"Shut up. Stay quiet. You're going to listen to me," his words are sputtered and sound wet, "You're going to listen very carefully. Okay?"_

_I'm not sure if it's a question or a statement, or a question with only one right answer. So I choose to not say anything under his hand, and stay completely still, eyes wide._

_"I asked a question," he says, and removes his hand. I nod, he shakes his head, "Say it."_

_"Yes. I'm listening," I say, but it't not my voice, it can't be. It sounds so defeated._

_"Good," he puts his hands on me like this is a normal conversation, and were both not fully clothed, casually, "No one will believe you. So don't try and say anything. No one will believe you, cause you're still a trainee. You haven't debuted yet, and if you want to debut I suggest keeping your mouth shut. Understood?"_

_"Y-yes," I stutter, whimpering almost._

_"You'll ruin not only your career but you're entire group's. We don't want that now do we?"_

_"No. No."_

_He nods, satisfied, "Good. Don't forget it. No one will believe you. No one. I promise."_

_He pushes himself off me then, a burst of icy cold air rushing in between us as he sat up. I didn't know sex was so sweaty. But he's leaving, and it'll officially finally be over, so I don't think about it too much. I didn't care about what had just happened, or what would happen next, I only cared about it being done, and him being gone. I waited. And waited. Except he wasn't leaving, he was kneeling there, between my legs, drinking a bottled water from the side table and staring at me, at my body._

_I had felt plenty ugly before, in general. But never ugly like this. Not disgustingly ugly. Not disposable trash ugly._ _Never as insignificant and repulsive and hated as he made me feel right then, with his eyes still on me._

_I tried to cover myself but he would tear my hands away, push them flat to my sides._

_I realize that it wasn't over. Not yet. This was still part of it. I grab the couch leather, handfuls in my hands to make my body stay put like he wanted. He wasn't even holding me down physically, but he was holding me down in some other way, a way that is somehow stronger than the muscles in my body screaming at me to move._

_Suddenly he grabs my chin and a fistful of hair, pulling me up to his face, yanking me opposite ways so it hurts, and I have to fight to hear him speak._

_"You ever tell. I'll kill you. I'll hurt the others like I hurt you. You don't want that," I_ _can't shake my head, as he still pulls at my hair, "I won't though, unless you speak. I doubt they are as good as you, anyways."_

_He lets go then, shoving me back against the couch, and he gets up. Casually picking up his clothes one by one, putting them on, not letting his eyes linger off me. He finally puts his shoes on and turns to unlock the door, and the chain lock slowly. He turns back towards me then._

_"Good luck with your debut album. I'll make sure to vote for Seventeen. Fighting!" He shuts the door behind him and I jump up to lock it as fast as my legs will carry me. That was my adrenaline rush, right there, locking the door and slamming my laptop shut, cause my legs hurt more than anything and I collapse to the floor. I don't cry, or call anyone. I sit there staring at the clock. It lasted 9 minutes._

_I put both my hands over my mouth, squeeze my eyes shut as tight as I could, and tried to fix my brain to disbelieve everything it thought and felt and knew to be true._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You're not alone. Confidential help is available for free.
> 
> National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673  
> (Available 24 hours everyday)


	17. don't look at yourself through their eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Mention of r4pe, mention of r4pist.

I open my eyes. I'm breathing heavy. Then barely breathing at all. My heart races. Then everything stops altogether. I'm in my studio. Not then, but now. And I'm okay. _I'm okay. I'm okay,_ I repeat it silently.

I stand up, fold up the blanket I used quietly as I listen for anything. It's silent. I pace the studio and unplug my phone near my computer. I need someone. I actually fucking need someone now. But I don't know who I can call. Then I have a thought.

It rings twice before it picks up.

"Hello?"

I open my mouth and will for the words to come out. But what words could undo all this and everything I caused? What words would tell enough of the truth?

"Woozi-ah, are you alright?"

"Yeah. Hyung. I'm so sorry."

"Oh," he breathes in, "no it's okay Jihoonie. I'm sorry I kicked you out. You need to come home, okay?"

"Yeah. Yeah okay."

"You owe Dino an apology but I do think he owes you one too," S.Coups says, and I hear so much commotion on his end.

"Is that Hyung? Woozi hyung, we miss you. Love you!" I hear Seungkwan yell from the back ground. I laugh, as I hear a chorus of 'love you's and 'we miss you's. 

"Am I on speaker?" I ask.

"Hold on," S.Coups says, pauses, then, "You're on speaker."

"I'm getting a uber now. Love you guys."

"Did Woozi just say he loved us?!" Hoshi yells.

"What happened to our Woozi-ah?" Jeonghan laughs.

So much. I want to say. So fucking much.

"Someone kidnapped him," Dk hollers.

I laugh into the phone, "Shut up. We can talk when I get home. Bye."

I gather my things and call an uber.

I'm home for maybe 10 minutes before there's another knock at the door. I hear Joshua answer it and Dino appears at my doorway.

Before he can say anything though, I open my mouth and this time the words come out, "I'm sorry Dino-ah. I was and am so harsh on you."

His hardened face softens a bit, I wonder if he can see how sorry I am on my face.

"Hyung. I didn't mean to intend that Dong Geun was more important than you guys. I was just scared, I saw him get taken by the police in the dance studio with Jun. I didn't expect it. Jun was in shock for the rest of the day. We been hanging around him a lot lately and I know you don't like him but he's our friend, even if he may not be yours. But he is in no way more important than you or the other members. I'm sorry."

I could cry right now. If I did, I don't know if I would be able to stop though.

"That means so much more to me than you think, Dino ah. Thank you."

I don't push him away when he hugs me. And I think maybe, maybe, that's progress.

I expect to be greeted by the police when me and Dino walk into the living room, but I am nearly trampled over by Raina noona herself. It shocks everyone, including me.

"I am so sorry," she whispers in my ear as she wraps her arms around my neck, "I didn't know."

I glance over her shoulder at Bumzu hyung, who gives me a worried and sympathetic look. 

They know.

I free myself from Raina as the members look on worried and confused.

She looks around and it hits her.

"I'm sorry," she bows, "I just felt really bad about the argument me and Woozi-ah got into. I said some unkind things that I shouldn't have."

The members look between me and Raina, and I know I have to say something.

"I'm sorry too. We were just caught up in a lot of confused emotions."

We stare at each other for a minute, and she nods. We have this connection for a second, for a split second I don't feel alone in an entirely different way. I am not the only person who's been through this, and as much as that thought makes me feel sick, it's also comforting, and relieving.

"Bumzu-Hyung?"

I turn and observe him, there's tears in his eyes.

"What is it Bumzu-ah?"

"Why don't we all sit down. There's a lot going on and I understand a lot of us are under a lot of stress," S.Coups takes the leader roll well. I'm grateful to have him in my life. I'll have to make this up to him.

"So what do we know?" Dino asks, once everyone's seated, Raina is on one side of me, Bumzu across from her, S.Coups at the head of the table, and Wonwoo is on the other side of me. I know Wonwoo sees me and Raina holding hands under the table. And I can't tell him it's nothing but just a survivor thing. Me and Raina. We're the same now. We been through the same things. And suddenly I don't want to be touched by anyone but her, cause she knows just as much how a hand can sting.

"Dong Geun stayed all night at the police station. He's waiting on a lawyer and hasn't said anything that can put him in jail."

"What about the trainee?" Wonwoo speaks, The8 sits next to him, they must be conspiring about me.

"We don't know anything about the trainee, just that they reported an anonymous report and no one knows his name or which trainee it is."

"I do," Dino says.

"Keep it to yourself, Dino-ah," Jeonghan said sternly, "Respect their privacy."

He nods, keeping his head down.

Before we can keep going there's once again another knock on the door.

Everyone is on there feet.

I watch from Raina's side as S.Coups and Bumzu go to answer it.

"May we come in?"

It's the manager and one officer, and a female in a power suit. 

"No one is getting arrested, they just have some questions," the manager reassures as he steps in, "Come in. Come in."

My mind can't catch up with my body, but I'm sitting now, and Manager is standing with the two officers.

"No one is in trouble. We just have a few following questions for the members of Seventeen."

"That's us."

"The 13 of them, minus Bumzu, and Raina."

"We already talked to Bumzu."

"I can talk too, if you want."

The female nods gratefully, "Thank you. I am Detective Park and this is Officer Song."

"Last year a colleague of all of yours got into a drunk and driving accident. We got a report this morning that, that's not all that happened that night. Does anyone know what I may be talking about?"

There's a chorus of 'yeah's and nodding of heads. I wonder why they are bringing this up.

"An anonymous woman reported this morning that Han Dong Geun assaulted her."

I try not to look taken back, but I don't have to try very hard, cause in all honesty, why would I be.

"What about the trainee?" Seungkwan speaks up, and I watch as The8 wraps an arm around Jun and Jeonghan wraps one around Dino.

"They're at the hospital getting a rape kit done."

"Who's the anonymous woman?" Raina asks calmly. For a moment I think, maybe it's her.

"We can't give out that information," the female officer says.

I observe Raina, thinking that it could most possibly be her. She glances at me, and shakes her head.

_How many people have you hurt?_

"So may we question each of you individually, or perhaps just a few of you? Officer Song needs to take a statement from each of you, though."

Most everyone looks at the manger, and he nods.

"Okay sounds good. Lee Jihoon, may I talk to you first?"

I stand and bow, "Yes ma'am." I glance at the other members who look shocked that of all people, I'm picked out.

"May we talk in your bedroom?"

I nod, "Of course. It's this way."

Her heels click on the wood floor and as we get closer to my room I get more and more nervous, I think I may even be shaking.

We enter my room, I close the door.

"May I sit?" she gestures to Mingyu's bed.

I nod, again, and take a seat on my bed a foot away from her. My heart is back to racing, and my hands are shaking, I shove them in my hoodie pocket.

"I'd like to ask a few questions if that's alright. May I record our conversation?"

She's so professional it almost takes me off guard.

"Yes, you can."

"This is confidential, and if you decide you want me to delete the recording afterwards I will. It is entirely up to you. You are in control of this interview, I'm just asking questions."

"Okay," is all I can say, but I'm thankful she's so respectful. I feel like that may not be enough so I add, "I don't know anything though. You're better off asking my other members."

"Really?" she asks, "Because you didn't seem all that surprised when I told your members and friends that there's another allegation against Mr. Han. I'd be interested in knowing why that is."

That's not a question. I don't know how I'm supposed to answer that.

"Why is what?" I ask, and I must sound so so stupid.

"Mr. Lee if you have any information or knowledge regarding Han Dong Geun now would be the time to tell me."

I feel too pressured and sick. So sick.

"I don't know though. I didn't know he was doing anything to anyone."

"Doing what?" she asks, pretending to be puzzled, and I understand what she's trying to get me to say.

"I don't know, what ever he was doing or did to that trainee and woman. I don't know anything about them."

"I didn't ask if you knew anything about the alleged victims. I asked if you knew anything about Han Dong Geun."

She sees right through me. My walls to her, are invisible. 

"All right so back to the original question?"

"Why I wasn't' surprised, you mean?" I try to clarify.

"So you weren't surprised."

"No, I was. I was surprised." 

Fuck.

"No. Your friends were surprised. Your manager, even, but not you. Maybe not the girl either, Oh Hye-rin is it?" She's asking like she doesn't already know, "Can you tell me why that is?"

I don't say anything. My mind is racing, and instead of feeling understood I feel like I'm being pinned against the wall with no escape.

"Can you tell me what was going through your mind?" And she looks at me with these eyes-- these no-nonsense, no-bullshit, no-tolerance-for-lies-of-any-kind eyes. She's looking so far inside me, as if she can see everything. Everything I am, everything I was, and everything I'm not now. 

"Let me ask another question then. Do you think these allegations against Mr. Han are plausible- just in your own opinion?"

"I don't know. How should I know?"

"I have to say Mr. Lee, you seem pretty agitated for someone who allegedly doesn't know anything."

I don't like how she's using my name and allegedly in the same sentence. I didn't do anything. He did.

"Are you hiding something from me? Are you protecting Mr. Han?"

"No!" I almost yell, "I'm not. And I'm not hiding anything either."

"Jihoon, I'll be frank with you," she says folding her hands neatly on top of her crossed legs, "I already personally spoke with Oh Hye-rin and she mentioned you, specifically said I need to talk to you. Do you know why?"

I shake my head.

"Well she seemed to believe you would have some sort of information about Mr. Han Dong Geun," she says it like she personally knows how your name effects me, me and all my vital organs, how it makes me want to shrivel up and die right here.

I watch her watching my hands shake.

"Oh Hye-rin told me you and her had a pretty bad fight the other day, and that you got quite emotional and passive when she was discussing Mr-"

"No. I said no. I don't know. I don't know anything," I mean to shout it, to stand up and yell it in her face but my bones feel stiff, and it comes out sounding like a whimper.

She holds her poker face stare. And I can't read her at all.

"Please delete it," I say, defeated, and upset.

"Jihoon, may I-"

"Delete it," I say again, and I'm pleading now, "delete it. You said you would delete it when-when- I said to. Delete it. Please please please."

She leans forward, a hand on my knee, I flinch visibly, and she pulls her hand away, "I need to ask you something very important."

"I'm not saying anything until you delete it," I pull my knees up to my chest.

"Jihoon-"

"You're a liar you said you would-" I grasp for a breath cause my throat is closing suddenly and there's tears willing themselves to leave my eyes, "Detective Park. Please. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Please. Delete it. Delete it. I need you to delete it."

"Okay. I am, look," she lifts up the recorder, a little black box with a beating red light, I watch as the red light turns off, "It's off it's not recording anymore."

"Delete-"

"I deleted it. Look," she presses play and it's silence, "I deleted it. I promise you. Hold on."

She stands up and I want to tell her not to leave. She opens the door and calls out for the male Officer.

"Take this, and put it in my bag would you?"

"Yes ma'am," I hear the gruff voice of the Officer and then his boot footsteps down the hall.

"Okay. Jihoon. Has Dong Geun ever abused you in anyway? Has he touched you inappropriately?"

I always promised myself if someone were to ask me this I would say yes without a second thought. If they just were to ask me the right question, I would tell the truth. And now it's here. And I can't move or breathe. I can't nod I can't say that one syllable word. I try to make the sound, but I don't think my mouth even moves a centimetre.

"Jihoon? Can you breathe?"

I nod, even though I can't. I take a breath and I choke on the word.

"Take a deep breath with me honey. You're okay. You're safe. No one is gonna hurt you," she doesn't try to touch me or get too close but the room is still shrinking, and I still can't breathe.

And now. Now I'm back there, and watching it happen on Mingyu's bed over the detective's shoulders. I see you ripping my favorite sweats off. I see it happening. And I try to scream.

"No," all I can say is no, _no, no, no, no, no_ and the word gets louder the more she makes me say it, and for once someone finally hears it coming out of my mouth.

She says, "Okay. Jihoon. Okay. I understand."

She stands up again, "Let me get Oh Hye-rin, okay? Is that alright?"

I nod.

She bows, and her poker face is gone, then she's gone, and the door is closed, and I wait for it to open again.

"Jihoon-ah?" Raina pokes her head in, and my mouth trembles as I try to take a breath, "Can I hug you?"

I nod, again and again, until her arms are wrapped around me securely, and she's humming, telling me that it's okay, and that I'm safe.

We sit there for ten minutes, maybe less and she finally pulls away.

"Did he?" And she doesn't have to say the word.

"Yes."

"I'm so sorry," and I'm back in her arms. And I'm safe. I'm safe. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everything is okay. And the last chapter didn't scar you all. If you need anything or anyone to talk to I'm here. <3


	18. I can't remember what I was so angry for

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Mention of r4pe and r4pist

I sneak to the bathroom and I get cleaned up enough so it looks like I haven't been crying, then I rejoin everyone in the living room as it looks like the Detective and Officer are getting packed up. Detective Park approaches me first, searching her bag for something.

She pulls out a card, handing it to me, "We have places to be, but I would like it if we could have another interview when you're ready. Call me anytime," she gives me a warm smile, stepping forward so she can talk quieter while the Officer distracts everyone by thanking them for their statements, and giving them each a card as well, "Doesn't matter what time it is, even if it's 3 in the morning, do not hesitate to call me. I will answer."

"Thank you detective-nim," I say, bowing, "Really, thank you, I appreciate it."

"Promise me you'll call when you're ready?"

"Okay."

"Alright," she turns then clapping her hands once, "Let's pack up Officer Song, we have places to be."

"Yes ma'am. Thank you everyone for cooperating. Don't hesitate to call Detective Park if you think of anything or even if you just want to talk."

"Thank you all," Detective Park bows, in which the other members including Raina and Bumzu and Manager bow back, "As Officer Song said, do not hesitate to call me. I'll contact your manager when I'm ready to conduct more interviews. Sorry we didn't have time to get to anyone else today."

"No worries, Detective-nim. I'll keep my phone on and we'll be ready when you need us."

"Ah, well thank you. Have a good day."

"I'll see you two out," Manager volunteers, bowing at us, "I'll see you boys."

The door shuts behind them.

"We're going to go too," Raina says taking Bumzu's hand, "If anyone needs anything you can call one of us, and we'll come over."

"Thank you," I speak first, "We appreciate it."

S.Coups nods, "Yes we do."

"Of course," Bumzu nods.

"And Jihoon-ah," Raina says, they haven't even put their shoes on yet, "I really am sorry for everything I said. If you need time to forgive me I'll understand."

Hands in my pockets I nod, and smile, "You too."

She smiles back then starts giving out hugs, hugs me a little longer than everyone else, just a few extra seconds. Bumzu stops in front of me, pulling me into a tight hug as well, after hugging everyone else.

"We'll talk soon?"

"Yeah," I agree, "Just text me."

He nods, waving at everyone as Raina slips her shoes on and they grab hands.

"We'll see you soon. Come visit us. I get sick of seeing the same faces everyday," Seungkwan calls out, making everyone laugh, Dk playfully hits him.

"Yeah we'll keep that in mind," Bumzu says, laughing too.

And then they are gone.

I sit in the bathroom after my shower and stare at my clothes folded on the toilet and my boxers I wore in the shower laid across to dry. With the towel still wrapped around me, I'm sitting on the cold floor examining the Detective's business card with all her information on it along with her number.

I could call right now. Turn the shower back on so no one will hear our conversation. But I can't bring myself to hit the call button even after typing in her number. I realize it's because I have a lot I still need to do before I make an official statement. So I get dressed and find my way to Wonwoo's room, and lucky for me The8 is already with him and there's no other members in site.

"Hyung, we were about to come find you," The8 smiles, they're criss-crossed facing each other on Wonwoo's bed, looking like they were in a deep conversation.

I feel the nerves electrocuting through my whole body. I don't know if I can do this. But I do know that I have to.

"I-" I stop, one word and it already feels wrong, I need to sound casual for a moment, I take a deep breathe, "Would you two come with me to eat? I want to go to the new breakfast diner. I know it's kind of late but-"

"Yeah, let's go," Wonwoo cuts me off, giving me a reassuring smile, "Want to invite the other members?"

I try to think of a way to phrase this nicely, "No. I want it to be just the 3 of us. Is that okay?"

"We better sneak out then while everyones busy," The8 hops off the bed, "I got dressed why you were in the shower. How do I look?"

I give him a respectful nod, and he smiles.

"Alright let's be quiet," The8 starts to whisper, acting like were criminals or something, he pulls me along with him, sneaking down the hall quietly.

"I'll get the keys" I hear Wonwoo say from behind us.

I sat quietly the whole ride, in the middle in the back, Wonwoo took passenger seat and The8 was driving. They tried to start up new topics for conversation but the closer we got as I watched the gps, the more sick I felt. I sat still, and stiff, and the intense sadness filled the entire car, I think they could feel it too. I never realized how comfortable I've gotten inside my bubble, inside this void where no one knows what I'm thinking, or what I'm going through. I've gotten so comfortable that at just the thought of letting a single person inside makes me want to throw myself out of the car at a semi truck while we hit 90 miles per hour.

Every single part of me, from every last blood cell, to every last atom is screaming at me to run, to stop and go back where I came. Every bit is telling me that I can't do this and that no one, _no one will believe me_.

But this weight, the weight I been carrying by myself for the past 6 years has not let up, it has not given me a break to breathe, or stretch, or sleep. I carry it always, like it's my home, like it's my heart and it's the only thing that's keeping me alive and aware. This heaviness has been with me so long that I forgot what it's like to feel light- I have moments where I think maybe I was born this way- maybe this is normal. Or I've just accumulated over time and this is actually my new normal.

"We're here."

The8 opens my door.

"You okay?" Wonwoo asks, the worry sketched across his face.

"Yes."

The8 and him exchange looks, but I ignore it as I start to build myself up to my confession. We get seated, given menus, and I order a coke, cause I want to act like this is a normal day out. 

We order quickly, I get what ever The8 got, which honestly I don't have a clue, I hope it's good. Then when the waitress sets our drinks down, and takes our menus, I wait into she disappears into the back before I face The8 and Wonwoo who sat together across from me.

I don't realize that I'm just staring between them until The8 snaps his fingers in front of my face. I flinch harder than I would like, but I'm on edge and everything is screaming at me as a threat, so I don't say anything.

"What's going on Woozi-ah?" Wonwoo asks first, picking up his coffee, that's nearly black, and taking a sip.

I look to the clock. It's well past noon, they probably shouldn't be drinking coffee. But I don't have much room to talk, so.

"Is that about what you and Detective-nim talked about? Did she say something weird?"

"What? No." I snap out of it then.

I've almost completely forgot about me and Detective-nim's conversation though it wasn't even 2 hours ago. My brain can only have one circle of thoughts for now.

"Then what is this about?" The8 ponders, and I don't have to look at them to know they are looking at me. Waiting for me to say what I've dragged them out of the house for.

"You both said-well it was some time ago, but- you both did say it."

"Said what hyung?" The8 asks, and I can tell they are getting impatient.

"That I could trust you both. The night I got drunk and I slept in your room. And I said some concerning things to Wonwoo. But you both did say I could trust you. I can. Right?" I'm squirming around in my seat, I can't sit still, I feel like I may explode.

"Yes I remember," Wonwoo says.

"I kind of remember that night. I was tipsy, but I do remember you being very very drunk."

I'm scared someone's listening, the diner is loud, and every table talking it sounds similar to a school cafeteria. Still, I must talk quieter.

"Here you are," the waitress balances a tray on her left arm as she takes off each plate of food serving it to us. We got steamed buns, noodles, and rice, which I know is classic Chinese breakfast and Wonwoo must have done the same thing as me and just trusted The8 to pick something good. They serve it as a big serving in the middle of the table so we can share. I don't know if I can eat without throwing up though so I just stare. She bows and The8 thanks her while Wonwoo already has a bun in his mouth.

The8 sets food on his plate but is glancing between me and the food while he waits for me to talk.

"So?" The8 finally says, "Why are you asking us if you can trust us?"

Wonwoo looks up from his small bowl of noodles, "Are you in trouble?"

I shake my head, cause I don't think I am. I mean, Dong- I mean you- you are in police custody. Even if you weren't, would you really come after me? Was that threat a promise?

"Are you sure?" They must see the suspicion in my face.

_Am I in trouble? No. Am I safe? I don't know. How am I supposed to know?_

I shrug.

"You don't know?" (Wonwoo)

"How do you not know?" (The8)

I shrug again.

"Woozi hyung can you get to the point, please," The8 has gathered food on his plate but hasn't broke his chop sticks yet so he can start eating.

I nervously laugh, I have no idea how I'm supposed to word this, so instead I just ask the same question again, "Can I really trust you?" I whisper it, I am terrified someone is listening, though no one is sitting in any of the booths or at any of the tables near us, the place is loud but not crowded.

"You keep asking, but we said you can hyung. What do you think we're going to do?"

"Tell," I say without thinking it, that's my true fear. Other's speaking for me when they don't know all of it.

"We won't. Unless you killed someone," Wonwoo says, and I can't tell if he's making a joke or is serious. I could totally kill someone, and I don't think anyone would be surprised. The8 smiles though so I try and take it as a joke, but now all I can think about is killing him- you-. 

"Did something happen?" (Wonwoo)

"Can you at least say if it's something bad?" (The8)

"It is," I confirm.

Suddenly, like I just been hit by a incoming train I feel my walls crack, the fear returns and so do the tears.

So I whisper, not even leaning in so I can be sure they hear me, "Yes."

I've been waiting years for somebody, anybody, to say those magic words. And I've already let the opportunity pass me by once-- when it mattered-- I can't do it again. My whole body goes tingly. I panic thinking I might pass out.

Then I hear my voice, sounding even smaller, they lean in to hear me, "Yes. Something really bad happened."

They're waiting, watching, and looking more and more concerned with every second that passes and I stay silent.

"What?" Wonwoo finally says.

They both set their silverware down, the food forgotten.

My hands are shaking as I reach for my coke, I can barely get a drink without spilling it, but the drink doesn't help my throat, or make this easier for me to say.

I was.

"I was..."

I take a breath, a deep one, and they look at me concerned.

"You can trust us," Wonwoo reminds me, and The8 nods beside them. They both are looking at me with such serious and worried faces. I feel bad for putting them in this position.

So I try again. But nothing comes out.

I look around the table, spot the wrapped crayons left for kids, and grab it. Then I pull out a napkin, block with my hand so they can't see what I'm writing. My hand trembles as I press the waxy red crayon on the white napkin, trying not to rip it. I write the R first, trying to make it neat, then the A, it's shaky but readable, P is jagged, then the E & D come out fast. I look at the word, putting the crayon down, I turn it facing them and slap my hand over it sliding it towards them in between each of their plates. They move stuff around so I don't burn my arm.

I finally look up at them, they're staring at my hand, not prying at it, our pushing it away, but just waiting for me to move it.

I start again, one more time, "I was..."

I pull my hand away, and I think I might really be sick as I watch them read it. Wonwoo picks it up, and I can't read either of their faces, they're quiet and not even looking at each other, just reading the word over and over.

Until I can't take it anymore, "Say something."

They have it, it's in their hands. The secret I've managed to keep for 6 years, and they have it right in front of them. There's no taking it back now. I can't act like it didn't happen anymore.

I force my eyes to look at them, and they're looking between the napkin and me.

"Hyung- wh- I-" The8 stutters but he stops cause he just can't speak.

Now they know how I've felt every day for the past 6 years when I first woke up in the morning.

"Who?" Wonwoo finally asks, and he put the napkin down, face down.

I look at him, I can't talk cause if I do the tears will start flowing.

The8 raises his arm before the waitress can pass us, "Can we get the check and boxes?"

"Was the food not good?"

"No it was good, we just have places to be."

"Oh of course. Give me one moment."

I snatch the napkin away as the waitress goes for trash.

As she walks away, we wait until she's out of earshot.

I rip up the napkin in my lap and shove the pieces in my pockets.

"Did you go to the doctor? Are you hurt? Did he hurt you?"

I love that they assume it's a guy. It kind of makes me feel even sicker.

"I went to the doctor when it happened but I didn't tell the doctor and they didn't check if I was hurt."

"Then let's go," The8 says, and he suddenly looks so serious and so scared at the same time, "We can go to the ER they'll see you without appointment."

I shake my head, as the waitress returns. We pack up our food in silence. I try to pay but Wonwoo and The8 half it instead not letting them take my card.

We climb back into the car, The8 turns it on, locks the doors then Wonwoo and him turn towards me in the back.

"Woozi you need to go to the doctor," Wonwoo says, "You could be seriously injured."

"I'm not," I say, the tears are gone, I feel safe in the locked car, I check behind the seat just in case.

"You can't know for sure," The8 says, turning around, seat beat clicked and he's putting the car in reverse. I lay my hand on his arm.

"The8-ah. It doesn't matter if we go. It's been too long they won't find anything wrong."

"Hold that thought," The8 says, he reverses drives for a solid minute before we park in front of the beach in a empty parking lot.

"When did this happen?" Wonwoo asks.

They are about to freak out, I think.

"Before debut," I say, and I try not to smile, but I can't help it. The weight it is getting lighter. I can't quite breathe but I feel more free.

"What? How?" (The8)

"What do you mean before debut? Like 2014? Or early 2015?" (Wonwoo)

"2014. December 28th," and because I think it might matter, I say, "In our first studio. Where we recorded Adore U."

It goes completely, and utterly silent, I can't even hear them breathe.


	19. yet we still move forward, despite it all

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Mention of r4pe & r4pist

I look around. The sky hasn't fallen, the clouds are still there, the earth is still intact. I'm still alive. The ground didn't open up and swallow me whole. I haven't spontaneously combusted. I don't know what I thought would happen if I told, if I let that one word exist, but I didn't expect nothing to happen. Everything is just as it was. No meteors collided into the planet, the cars still drive by, people are still walking around. My heart is still beating, and my lungs, I test them, in and out, yes, still breathing.

"How did we not know?" The8 is clearly upset, mostly stressed or maybe mad.

"Why didn't you tell us sooner?" Wonwoo is angry, and he's trying not to aim it towards me.

"There's nothing you all could have done. It happened. You can't change that."

"But you could've told us," Wonwoo says, "Why didn't you tell us that night you were drunk? We would of listened then too."

"Cause I was drunk. And he was there. And he said-" I stop, I look out the window again, yep, the sky and clouds haven't fallen, "he said he would kill me."

Both their faces fall, and I don't think I've ever seen them like this before. Not even when were told we might not debut.

"Are you okay?" I whisper, cause it feels like a library, it's too quiet.

"It's been 6 years," The8 says suddenly, "You kept this from us for 6 years?" he doesn't sound angry just sad, and maybe guilty.

I nod, watching the clock change numbers.

"Have you not told anyone?"

"No."

"Who? I mean, do you know who?" The8 asks, and I realize then that because it was years ago and not recently they think it's not him- you- so I could lie.

"Yeah, I know who it was."

"Who?"

I want to skip past all this ugly stuff. I want to fade out and be on my feet past this, but all this ugly stuff, I have to remind myself, I still have to live through if I ever want to live past it.

"It was so long ago, does it even matter?"

"Of course it matters," Wonwoo says.

I look at them, then between them, and I let it soak in. There's so much hurt, so much pain, so much open nerve, and so much rot. When I say your name nothing will change. You still done what you done, and saying it won't change anything.

Will I even feel different? The lightness of it all is gone and I feel heavy again.

"Will you believe me?"

I see a glimpse of pure fear cross each of their faces, and I think, they must think it was another member, even for just a second, the same second, but they must know that it's a possibility. I also think, they must be preparing themselves for the worst, cause if it were one of the members, would they still believe me? Would they stop and ask themselves the same question.

I remind myself, everyone is capable of doing what you did to me. Everyone. Anyone. And I know that must be crossing their minds as they ask themselves internally if they will believe me even if it's one of their best friends, one of their brothers.

What if the answer is no.

"Who?" The8 pushes on.

I clinch my fists tightly into I feel my nails go into my palms. I can feel the tears working their way up from the pit of my stomach.

"I can't tell you that," I say automatically, cause maybe it's better this way.

"Why?"

"Because I can't."

"Is it one of the members?" Wonwoo asks, and I know he didn't want to say it out loud but it had to be said.

If I don't tell them they'll forever question every interaction they have with anyone for the rest of their lives, and it'll break down their trust like it done to me. Cause once you realize that someone that you're close to can be capable of something so horrific, you realize the same moment that your best friend, your family is capable of it too. And that sick feeling, it never leaves.

"No," I mumble, and I should be more confident, I should be defensive, I should be defending my members when they're accused.

But the thought of my members being capable of this, I've been avoiding this, I never want to be scared of my brothers. I want to be able to trust them enough that if I fall asleep on the couch and there's no one around to stop them, that they won't do anything, that it wouldn't even cross their mind.

I have to tell myself that they wouldn't, and that they would never, cause if I don't, I won't be able to stop those thoughts that they could.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," I say, "Yes. It wasn't one of the members."

"But it's someone we know?"

"Like Bumzu or Dong Geun?"

My brain fights against my body. I tell it to remain still, to not give anything away, but damn it, it won't listen. I nod. And the tears finally roll down, falling faster than I can wipe them away. I can't do this.

"You won't believe me," I sob.

"Yes we will," The8 says, and they look lost, but I know they know it's him, that it's you.

"We promise," Wonwoo adds, reaching out for me, but I don't want them near me when I'm like this. So I pull away.

"I know that I've lied about things before," I'm gasping for air, trying to remain calm enough to not fall into a panic attack, "but I wouldn't lie about this, and I know that everyone thinks I'm just an asshole to everyone for no reason, and that I don't care about anyone, and mean, straight up mean to everyone sometimes for no reason, but this, this was before all that, this was before I turned into an asshole, this was before-- And I wasn't an adult," the tears are still flowing and I stopped trying to wipe them away, "I haven't even kissed anyone. I was," the tears start rolling down my neck, "I was a kid." I have to stop cause I can barely breathe, and when I look up I can't see either of them through my blurred eyes.

"Here," The8 hands me what appears to be a stack of napkins, and Wonwoo tries again to reach out. This time I let him, I even grab his hand before he can grab mine.

"We know you wouldn't lie about this," Wonwoo says.

I nod, but I'm not done trying to convince them, I need to know they will believe me no matter what, "This," I start again, "This isn't who I was supposed to be. I used to be nicer, and quieter, a good person-"

"You are a good person hyung."

I shake my head, "No. I used to be. But now-- now--- I just hate- I hate myself. I hate him. I hate him so much. I wish- I wish he were dead. I him so much that sometimes-" I breathe in, "sometimes I can't feel anything else at all. Just hate," breathe out, then in, "Just hate, that's everything. My whole life has just turned into a black hole of hatred. And I can't get out of it. I can't get it out of me. No matter what I do it's always there."

It's always there, I think, it's never let up, even when I'm sad, even when I'm happy, or excited, or stressed. It never leaves, it's a part of every emotion I have.

"Say his name," The8 says, "we know."

I shake my head, cause saying your name will make it true. I will be admitting that you were the one that did this to me. 

"Say it."

"Dong Geun," I say, "Dong Geun. I was 18 not even for a month and he was 22. It was December 28th around 2 in the morning in our old studio and I fell asleep. I came home 4 days early and I shouldn't have. I just wanted to work on the album. I- I don'- I didn't see it coming."

The8 leans back, Wonwoo observes me. Minghao is looking like he's taking it in, even though he knew who I was going to say. Now that it's out in the open, it's real.

"I'm going to fucking kill him," The8 says through gritted teeth, "Fucking son of a bitch."

Wonwoo smacks his arm, he just glares.

"Do you believe me?" I ask desperately.

The8 is listing ways that he wants to kill you, and Wonwoo is trying to calm him down but I can't focus on their anger right now. My sight goes for a minute.

"You believe me right?" I say louder this time.

"Of course," Wonwoo is facing me again, "We believe you."

"Of course hyung," Minghao's face softens, "But why didn't you tell us sooner? We could've done something then. Why didn't you say anything? Even if he threatened you, there's 13 of us, only one of him. We wouldn't have let him near you. We would've believed you then too."

God, I wish he didn't just tell me that. I wish they'd say they didn't believe me, because then I could feel justified in not telling them. But I don't have a reason besides that I was scared. I was scared, and I don't know if that's enough, or if that'll be enough for them to understand.

"There are so many things that never made sense," Wonwoo says suddenly, "About you, all those moments where I thought to myself that something wasn't right. I mean, fuck," I can't tell if he's angry at me or himself, "fuck, it seems so obvious. If we just had paid more attention to the whys instead of assuming you were always just stressed or in a bad mood. When we weren't with you we were with him, he worked with us when ever we thought you were too stressed, and that was a lot. That was a lot of times."

I see it now. The guilt in his face. They're taking it upon themselves.

"It's not anyone's fault."

I realize that means it's not mine either.

The8 nods, now being the one that's scolding Wonwoo.

"Can we go home?"

They both look at me.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah," I nod, "I need to talk to Dino."

"Don't you want to tell everyone at once."

"No."

"We can tell them," Minghao says suddenly, "If you want to be there, or not, it's up to you. We're here, and if you don't want to go through it again. We can do it for you."

It's like a boulder has been lifted from each shoulder.

"You would?"

"Yes," Wonwoo says then, "We can sit them down, if you don't want to be there, we can text you after and you can hide in your room."

I laugh at that, but I know this is serious and they're serious, and I'm about to cry all over again. I don't even know when I stopped.

"Thank you."

All at once, the reality of it all comes crashing down like a storm inside me while I watch The8 and Wonwoo gather up the members aside from Dino who they sent to mine and Mingyu's room. It feels like someone's taking my internal organs and twisting them into demented animals.

"What is this about?" Dino asks, and I can see the day wearing on him, all the stress, and a little bit of fear.

"We need to talk," I say, with a big sigh, "It's important."

It takes a minute for those words to get through to him, "Okay," he finally says, "What?"

I think how I told Minghao and Wonwoo that this is the least I owed to Dino-ah, cause out of all the members he has gotten the short end of the stick many times when it came to my anger and mood swings, and meanness. And I wanted to give him his own personal time to process this and hear it from me. I know he was the closet to you, even closer to you than you and Jun.

And I'm terrified more than anything that there might be a reason for that.

"Can I ask you something Dino-ah?"

"Well I guess while I'm here," he smiles, but he rolls his eyes too.

"Have- Has Dong Geun ever done anything, to you?"

"To me?" his face drops, "what do you mean?"

"Has he ever, you know," fuck I don't know if I can do this, "done anything to you that you know was wrong."

"Like what?"

I think about if he's being oblivious for a reason, that it's the fear that's talking, or if he just honestly have a clue what I'm saying. I hope it latter cause if it isn't I don't know what I'd do. People already been hurt cause I haven't reported. But if it was one of the members, especially the maknae. I think, I think I might actually have to kill you.

I'll have to go to prison. Cause there's no way I'll let you get away with that.

I'm different, I'm already disposable, I'm already ruined. Dino isn't, and despite being 20 he's still a kid. And I fucking kill you if you hurt someone I love.

"Hyung? Are you going to tell me?"

"Has he ever touched you?" I try to get it out fast.

"What? No! Why would you say that?" he's up on his feet, I forgot how short I was, there was a point in time that I was taller than Dino, I mean I think, "God Hyung. Why would you say that? Of course he hasn't."

"You don't think he did anything to those others."

"Well I don't know," he throws his hands up, "they're anonymous. It could be saesangs for all we know."

"No," I shake my head, "I don't think so."

"So you think he's a rapist too?" He's glaring at me, arms crossed, ready to argue.

"I know he is."

His jaw drops, just for a second, "With what proof?"

He has a good point there. What proof do I have? Nothing. Just my nightmares, and flash backs, and the clothes I wore that night that I haven't touched since washing them that morning. They're tucked in the back of one of my drawers, and if I looked, I know there's a huge possibility that a stain of his semen could still be on my pants.

"I don't have any."

"For the love of-" he's about to leave so I cut him off, standing in front of him, blocking the door.

"He raped me," I say, "I know he did it, cause he did it to me."

I've shut my eyes without realizing, and when I open them I expect him to be gone, or staring at me but he's doing neither. His hands are over his ears and his eyes are shut. He's slumped forward towards me, his body folded into itself. I can't even hear him breathing. I don't say anything. I let him process. Hope that he believes me and that he picks my side. I wait.

"I," Dino begins, but stops, I look up at him, "I just don't understand what you're saying," he mumbles it into his hands, but then pulls himself up and looks back at me.

"I don't un-der-stand," he says each word, each syllable, separately, "How did this happen?"

Dino studies my face, searching, but I don't understand either.

He walks out and I follow him into his room, and then he's yelling, yelling 'fuck' over and over and then- there goes his computer.

I'll replace that, I think to myself.

Then he's throwing everything off his desk, actually breaking some things that I think maybe I should stop him. Or- I can just take him shopping later. That seems safer.

Minghao appears at the door.

"Are you okay," his hand lands on my shoulder, I nod.

"Just letting him get it out," I say.

Dino keeps such a tight lid on everything. I mean I've seen him mad, upset, stressed out, of course, but I've never seen him like this. He spins around, now at their shared dresser, his hands grip the edges so tight. I stand still, waiting, cause I know what's going to do and that dresser must weigh so much, but then, like it's nothing but a chair, it teeters back then forward.

And right when I think it's about to fall, everything stops. The dresser rests again on four feet again, and Dino's stopped yelling. He pinches the bridge of his nose as his eyes fill with water then his hands fly up over his eyes to stop the tears. And The8 is stepping over trash and broken objects to get to him. 

He's trembling in The8's arms, because he does understand after all.

I watch as his body melts down to the floor, The8 being careful not to let him hurt himself.

I understand something too, that this thing, what happened isn't all about me. This thing, it touches everyone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would just like to say that the fact you all address me as Authornim, makes me feel so so respected. So thank you for that, I love you all so much<3


	20. I thought there would be more to it than this

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Mention of r4pe and r4pist

My hands are shaking as I hold Detective Park's business card, again, but this time I'm not alone in the bathroom. I'm sitting on the edge of my bed with Wonwoo, and Jeonghan on either side of me S.Coups sitting at my desk chair pulled up so he's in front of me. Joshua, Jun, and Hoshi are with the Maknae line cleaning up Dino, Seungkwan, and Jun's room.

It's over though, the telling part, and everyone knows now. I feel lighter, sure, but everything else, the emotions, the shame, and pain, it's all still there. I'm not sure if it'll ever go away.

"Do you want me to talk?" S.Coups asks, they are all watching me, as my hands shake, one holding the business card and the other holding Wonwoo's phone. My hand holding Wonwoo's phone is laying in Jeonghan's hand trying to give mine support.

Everyone's silent, waiting for me. They're so patient. 

I hand S.Coups the phone and the business card, wordlessly. As soon as he takes them I reach for Wonwoo's and Jeonghan's hands. I hope this isn't a moment they'll tease me for in years. I'm just so scared, I feel like a child, and I just need support as my walls have fallen and it's gonna take a minute for me to build them back up.

"Hello? This is Choi Seungcheol, is this Detective Park?"

I can't hear her on the other line, I strain myself to pick up any words. Jeonghan notices, and taps S.Coups leg and he immediately puts it on speaker.

_"- glad you called Mr. Choi. Is this about this morning?"_

"Yes, actually I'm calling for Lee Jihoon, you spoke with him this morning."

_"Oh. Yes. Is he there?"_

"Yes he's sitting in front of me. He's reluctant but he asked me to call you."

_"Would he like to come in and finish the interview?"_

"Yes. Actually," S.Coups looks up at me, "He as information on Han Dong Geun that you would like to here."

_"I figured that. I can cancel the rest of my day if you or another member would like to bring him in."_

"Can we go now?" I ask quietly.

"Can we come now?" S.Coups relays my message.

_"Yes. Of course. Does Jihoon want to keep this private?"_

I nod frantically.

"Yes please. We would greatly appreciate that."

_"Of course. No problem Mr. Choi. At max Jihoon can have two people come in with him. If you would drive one of your company cars to a location I will send you, another car can escort you from there to here. Jihoon will be personally escorted through the back of the building so not even other employees working here will know he was even here. We will keep it as low key as possible, and respect Jihoon's wishes every step of the way. If there's any point he wants to leave, without question we will drive you back to your car and you can go home and we'll try again when Jihoon's ready."_

Jeonghan and Wonwoo are nodding along to the information and S.Coups is thanking the detective again and again, and I'm just sitting here, completely still, and completely supported.

I haven't seen the other members yet, not even Hoshi or Joshua. I didn't see how they reacted, I don't know if Dk or Seungkwan cried, or if anyone reacted the way Dino did. But it doesn't matter cause I don't want to see anyone until I come back.

"Who do you want to go with you?" S.Coups asks, Wonwoo and Jeonghan are next to me and were all standing by the front door, as I get my shoes on, after I told them I don't want to be bombarded yet by the other members.

"Jeonghan and Joshua hyungs," I say, and look at Jeonghan, "If that's okay."

"I'll get Joshua," Jeonghan nods at me.

S.Coups approaches me, wrapping his arms around me before I can say anything. I hug him back, leaning my head against his chest. I know they think they can't do anything to help me, but just believing me is enough.

"Woozi-ah. Are you ready?"

"No," I say as S.Coups pulls away from me, "But that doesn't matter."

"We'll be there," Joshua smiles at me gently, and I can tell he's afraid to get too close.

"And we can leave when ever you want. If we get there and you want to leave, we will," Jeonghan reassures.

"We'll get dinner prepared while you're gone, so it'll be ready when the 3 of you get back," Wonwoo says, petting my head comfortingly.

I nod, "Okay."

And I try to say thank you too, but my body is clammed up and even if we get there and I panic, I'm going to force myself to go in.

"I'll text you when we leave," Jeonghan tell S.Coups and he nods, they wish me luck and Jeonghan and Joshua are following me out the door.

We get in the elevator, and the only thing I can hear are the keys in Jeonghan's hand. Joshua is standing against the wall opposite of me. I look up at him.

"You don't have to be so cautious around me, Joshua Hyung. I'm okay."

He looks back at me, "Sorry woozi-ah, I just don't want to crowd you."

"I'm not fragile," I reassure him, "you won't break me."

He nods, stepping closer, I grab his wrist and pull him closer, so he's standing right next to me. Jeonghan watches amused.

We arrive in a underground parking lot, the parking lot that Detective Park gave us to meet someone to drive us to the precinct. A toll employee lets us through and we're suddenly pulling up into one of the only parking spots left. A black jeep, with tinted windows is parked next to us. Two female Officers get out, and Jeonghan puts the car in park and we all take our seatbelts off.

"This is like an action thriller movie," I whisper, "we're about to be kidnapped."

Joshua and Jeonghan laugh lightly, and we all get out of the car.

"Lee Jihoon?" the taller female officer asks, I raise my hand slightly.

I expect them to be intimidating but they both smile warmly at us.

"Nice to meet you three, I'm Officer Han and this is Officer Yang," Han says.

"I'm Jeonghan and this is Joshua. You know Jihoon."

"Ahh," Yang smiles at us, "three J's, how lucky."

Han opens the door for us, "Watch your heads when you get in."

"Thank you."

I climb in first, Joshua in the middle, and then Jeonghan.

When we pull out of the parking lot I start breathing in through my nose, open through my mouth.

"I promise Detective Park is very nice. I know she can seem intimidating, but she will take good care of you," Officer Yang says, looking back at me as Officer Han drives.

Joshua and Jeonghan are staying back with the two female officers while I'm being escorted by a different officer, her name is Officer Jung. It makes me wonder if Detective Park purposely picked only female officers so I don't freak out. It was probably a good idea, I don't know how I would've reacted if men escorted me.

I can't help but to keep looking back at my two hyungs as they watch me get farther away. They smile at me and give me a thumbs up.

We take the elevator up two floors and get off at an empty hall.

"Right this way," Officer Jung says.

I see Detective Park waiting outside a door, she smiles warmly as we get closer.

"Jihoon, I'm glad you made it safely. Officer Jung you can stay out here."

"Yes, ma'am."

"Right this way Jihoon," Detective Park holds the door open for me, and I walk in. It doesn't look like a negoation room like on the shows, it more or less looks like a therapist office, there's a couch, and a chair across from the couch, and a coffee table in the middle where a basket of sensory toys lay with a box of tissues right next to it, "Please make yourself comfortable."

"Thank you," I say, and I can hear my own fear. My hands are shaking so I reach for a toy, a stress ball.

"You like coke?" she asks, and I feel like a kid again, and Detective Park is my babysitter who's sneaking me soda when I'm not supposed to drink caffeine.

I nod, and I watch as she walks to a mini fridge next to the book shelf I didn't notice, and then slides the can across the table towards me. I don't touch it, I just stare at it. Detective Park sits down in the chair across from me.

"It may be difficult to remember some things," she's pulling out a clip board out of her bag I also didn't notice her having, "but just try the best you can to describe to me exactly what happened, what you can remember."

I wish it was difficult to remember.

"I came home 4 days early after Christmas-"

"And when was this?"

"2014."

She looks up from her clipboard, "2014?"

"Yes."

She tries her best not to look shocked or surprised. I realize she must have thought it happened this Christmas, 2019.

"So it'll be 6 years this coming December?"

"Yes."

"I'm sorry, I didn't know it was that long ago," she's marking something off, writing in something else, then she looks up at me, "How old were you in December of 2014?"

"I just turned 18." **(A/N: In Korean age, so international age he had just turned 17, not even 3 weeks before that he was 16, aka a minor)**

"So you were a minor. And Mr. Han. Do you know how old he was?" She's writing again, I watch her hand move quickly as I squeeze the life out of this stress ball.

"He was 22."

"Now Jihoon, we're going to go through a series of questions, and it's very very important that you are 100% honest during it. May I record it? It will help with our investigation."

I nod, "Yes. That's fine."

"Okay," she pulls out the same black box recorder that she had at the dorms, I watch as it lights up red, "We are recording," she informs me, "This is Detective Park instructing an Interview with Lee Jihoon, 23 years old. It is February 12th, 2020, 3:45 pm. Mr. Lee are you ready?"

"Yes."

"Okay would you go over with me exactly what you can remember that happened in December 2014."

"It was December 28th," I say, "I came home to work on an album for our debut-"

"Who's debut?"

"Seventeen's debut."

"Please continue."

"I came home 4 days early so I could work alone, and get some help from a fellow producer under Pledis, Han Dong Geun."

"And Han Dong Geun, he was 22 years old? And you were 18?"

"Yes."

"When had you turned 18?"

"November 22nd, 2014."

"So Han Dong Geun, did he show up in your home to help you with the album?"

"No in my studio, in my group's studio. He came over around midnight. It was just us in the entire building, because it was holiday break and everyone, including my members were home with their families. It was normal for the first couple hours, he helped me go over lyrics and gave me advice. But then I was getting tired and stressed, so he took over for a moment so I could take a break, but I ended up falling asleep on the studio couch. When I woke up, it was 1:59 am, I know because I was staring at the clock. It was over by 2:08."

9 minutes. 540 seconds, that's all it is. It can seem like a short amount of time or a long amount of time, depending on what's happening. Waking up and pressing the snooze button, 9 minutes is a short amount of time. But being on the edge of death, fighting for your life, 9 minutes can seem like an entirety. Nine minutes is forever. Nine minutes is the rest of your entire fucking life.

"What happened within those 9 minutes?"

I stare at her for a long minute, then I take a breath that I know the recording will pick up on cause it's loud and it feels like the last breath I'll ever take.

Then. Then I tell her everything I can remember. She doesn't interrupt, not once, and when I get to the part of the actual rape, I stop.

"And after he took your clothes off did he continue to have intercourse with you, non-consensual intercourse."

"Yes," I choke out, "Yes he did."

"Did he penetrate you?"

God, that word, how can she say it so easily?

"How much force would you say is excessive? Could you yell for help at this point?"

"No, his hands were holding me down and holding my throat."

"At the same time."

I feel small.

"Yes. One hand held my arms above my head and the other held my throat, every time I made a noise he was squeeze my throat."

"Did you have any bruises?"

"Yes."

"Did you try to fight back?"

"No. I couldn't."

"Did Mr. Han finish?"

"Yes."

"Did he finish inside you?"

I nod.

"You have to say it out loud," she looks at me sympathetically.

"Yes."

"Do you still have the clothes from the night?"

"Yes. But I washed them."

She nods, and continues with the endless questions, I have to answer the same questions over and over again, the only difference between them is that they are worded differently.

It takes hours.

 _Did you lose consciousness at any point? Did you, at any point fear for your life? Can you describe again when he inserted himself inside you? Do you know how long he was inside you?_ And she kept saying it, over and over. How he was inside me.

But there's no way to really explain that, the moment he was inside me was when the most and worst pain I ever felt in my entire life went through my whole body. There's no way to describe how completely alone I felt, like there was no one in the world who would be able to help me or stop him. And I was right. No one stopped him. No one came to save me. It wasn't like a movie, where he gets pulled off me at the last second. No, he got to finish. And there's no way to tell anyone how I felt, and how I truly believed I was going to die that night, and that I believed him when he said he would hurt me and my members if I told, that he would kill me. I didn't doubt him for a second.

After we're done talking she hands me my own clip board, and I have to right everything I just told her down on the paper. But I'm terrified I'll contradict myself, that what I write down won't be the same as I what I said out loud. I'm mostly scared that I'll be called a liar, and the people that I need to believe me, won't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be honest I didn't think I was going to be able to update for a while. October is a really hard month for me, and I'm very detached from everything right now so I'm afraid that when I write I won't be able to express the intense emotions I can usually write easily. But I writing is how I can escape so I'm gonna try my best to continue anyways, I hope these next few chapters are just as good as the previous.


	21. I learned a lot about being a friend when I was alone

_"I'm going to be honest with you Jihoon. It's going to get a lot harder before it gets easier. But I promise you can get through it."_

The rape kit the trainee did didn't pick up any dna or clear evidence that Dong Geun was the one that did it. And the anonymous woman who reported didn't have any evidence either, she wouldn't even come in for an interview, from what I heard. I don't blame her. Raina didn't have the clothes from the night Dong Geun attacked her, she threw them away immediately after. I wish I done the same. The female Officers that drove us back to our car, followed us back to the dorm, and they took every piece of evidence they could, which was just my clothes from that night, and the papers from the doctor's appointment I went to the day after.

I go to sleep that night not knowing if I should hope that they'll get something or hope that they don't. I want you put away. I just don't want to be the person that has to do it.

When I wake up Seungkwan and Dk are on either side of me, and they're both asleep. In my bed. I'm glad they're not being cautious but I do wish they weren't so close to me. I sit up slowly being careful not to jostle them. I rub the sleep out of my eyes and let my eyes adjust as I look around my room, Mingyu is asleep with what looks like Wonwoo next to him, but I can't tell cause the blanket is covering his face. I crawl to the end of the bed, having the need to pee hitting me suddenly. I almost step on a hand when I lower my feet to the ground. I look at the ground confused, I almost stepped on Jun's hand who's asleep on the ground with his leg over Vernon. Hoshi is also asleep on the ground, on the other side of Vernon, his face shoved into Vernon's back, one big blanket over the three of them, each of them laying on a pillow probably from their own beds.

I don't know how to react, if I should wake them and tell them to go sleep in their own beds, tell them I'm fine, even if I'm not. I decide against it, stand up carefully and weave around their bodies and quietly make it to the bathroom.

I debate turning the light on, I don't know if I want to acknowledge myself today. But still, I have to brush my teeth. Sometimes I wish I could cut off the pieces you touched, even if that means I would have to cut off my dick. I don't care, I just don't want to look at myself anymore. I brush my teeth while looking at my little reflection in the shiny part of the faucet. 

I enter the living room where I find the remaining members sleeping on the floor, the bolt and chain that we never lock since Managers show up randomly are locked for the first time since we first moved in. Jeonghan and Joshua are asleep on the couch, while S.Coups, Dino, and The8 are asleep on the ground, the coffee table pushed up against the wall next to the tv stand so they're stretched out across the floor while the tv is still on, playing cartoons.

I spot my phone on the kitchen table so I grab it to google how to make french toast, I know Joshua and Vernon love french toast, so I hope everyone else likes it too. As I'm scrolling through the easy-make recipes my phone cuts off and the screen lights up with the Detective's number. It's almost 8 am, 7:58 right now, so I answer and walk to the furthest end of the kitchen.

"Hello?"

_"Hey Jihoon?"_

"Yes it's me," I confirm, talking as quietly as I can as I struggle to open the sliding door to our small balcony.

_"Are you alone?"_

"No. I'm the only one awake though," I manage to get the sliding door open with one hand after taking out the board that locks it.

 _"Okay. We received the results from your clothing,"_ she starts, and her pause makes me think it must be bad, _"Nothing showed up. Your DNA and your member's Kwon Soonyoung's showed up, but not Dong Geun's."_

"Me and Hoshi share clothes a lot," I say, trying to think back on if he's worn my clothes at all in the past 5 years. He definitely has. But those sweat pants? I would notice, wouldn't I.

_"Ahh okay. I'll put that down. The next thing I need to ask you, is really important, okay?"_

"Okay," I lean against the balcony, looking out to the traffic and the sun rising.

_"We've brought in Dong Geun for questioning last night, and he said he wasn't in the Pledis building on December 28th, 2014. He said he was with family."_

"That doesn't make sense," I say, and my voice is too dull to sound surprised, "He was there."

_"We are waiting on the video surveillance to come but it may take some time since it was so long ago, they don't even know if it'll still be in the history. I don't want you to give up hope though, if you can find anything that may have his DNA, or anything to prove he was there that night, it would help us out a lot. For now though his family is saying he was with them, and even though there's a huge possibility they are just lying for him. We can't choose to ignore Alibis, especially since it's more than one person."_

More than one person is covering for him? That's going to take a minute to process.

"For now though, Mr. Lee, I suggest seeing someone, a psychiatrist or an therapist. I could send you my own recommendations. I think it'll benefit you, and maybe you might uncover some memories that can trap him in his lie. I apologize Jihoon, I really do. We will be working hard to find anything that can help you and the other victims be able to charge him."

"What about the anonymous woman?" There has to be something. 

_"She's remaining anonymous, we can not pressure her to give us any more information than she's already has."_

"So what's going to happen to him?"

_"He's been released this morning. We can't hold him without clean evidence."_

"So he just gets to walk free?"

_"I'm incredibly-"_

"No. No you're not. What if he does it again?"

_"Maybe that will give us a lead."_

"What do you mean a lead? He shouldn't be able to have the chance to do it again.

_"That's not what I meant Jihoon. I meant if he does it again we won't let him get away this time."_

"I don't think you understand Detective-nim. You don't get taken advantage of then go tell the police cause you think there may be others."

_"Well we can hope-"_

"That's not good enough."

_"I know Jihoon, and I am sorry."_

I hang up.

How is it fair that I get the memories of you craved into the crevasses of the inside of my brain, and you, all you get is freedom, and people that support you mindlessly. You are free to do what ever you want with no fear, and I'm terrified to even shower without clothes on.

There's a knock on the glass right as I look off the balcony again. _This could end, so easily._

"Hyung," they're opening the sliding door, and when I turn around the last person I expect to see is Dino.

"Morning," I mumble.

"You okay?"

"I just got off the phone with Detective-nim."

"Yeah? What did she say?"

"She said Dong Geun was released this morning, they didn't find any clean evidence yet so they had to let him go for now."

I can tell he doesn't know what to say, he scratches the back of his neck as he thinks, or processes. I'm not sure.

"It's okay Dino-ah. Help me make breakfast," I pat his shoulder turning him back around.

I don't want any of them to ever feel guilty for not being there, or being friends with them not knowing what he was really like.

I fell for it to. I fell for his charm and assumed he was a good person.

It's not their fault. And despite every part of me saying it's mine. I know it's not. I didn't go to sleep thinking I was going to let someone take advantage of me, I didn't try to make it easier for him.

I know though, the first person that'll tell me it's my fault, I will believe them without question.

Me and Dino quietly make french toast without talking or listening to music, the only sounds are the sound of a whisk, and the sound of frying pans, and spatulas.

S.Coups wakes up first, joining us in the kitchen, clumsily getting himself coffee from the full pot I made.

"Morning," he says at the same time that Dino says it to him.

"Why didn't you sleep in your bed?"

He looks up at me surprised, probably thinking I wouldn't ask any questions.

"We couldn't all lay in your and Mingyu's room so we split into two," he's adding 3 sugar cubes careful not to let it splash.

"But why?" Dino is taking over the french toast, as I move the rice to the middle of the table to cool.

"We didn't want to sleep separately. Everyone agreed that it would be better if we were just all together."

"Okay," I say finally, "But hyung, you all don't have to suddenly be all protective now. I was alone with this for 5 years. I'm okay."

"Well hyung, we been alone with it for maybe 24 hours, not even. It's gonna take us a minute to get where you are," Dino says it calmly, and gently, not trying to be sarcastic or mean, he's just being straightforward and so honest.

"Right," I mumble, letting that process for a second, "I'm sorry."

"You don't have to be sorry," Dino says quickly, "None of it is your fault."

I look to S.Coups who nods agreeing with the maknae.

"I know," I say, cause I do know, I just feel guilty, "I still feel bad though. I know I should've said something before, but-"

"You don't have to give us a reason," S.Coups cuts me off, "What ever you were feeling, rather you were scared or maybe in denial. It doesn't matter- I mean it matters, but it wouldn't have changed what already happened, and what you already been through. We don't blame you for anything, or any of it. You don't need to feel bad, we're not the one that went through what you been through."

"If anyone of you has, you have to tell," I say suddenly, realizing how well I hid it, and for so long, anyone could do it too, "I'm scared that one of you went through this and is doing what I did. I don't wish this happened to any of you, but if it did happen, you can tell me. You won't be covering up what happened to me, or what ever you might think. I just don't want any of you to think you can do it alone because I did."

Both their focus is on me entirely, I have to remind Dino he is cooking before he burns it.

"You have no idea how much it sucks," I mutter, "It's like you're walking on egg shells around yourself."

"It's not your fault that you didn't come to us sooner. I wish you did, but no one's mad that you didn't. We're here now, and we understand now."

"Wonwoo hyung and The8 said it was obvious and they just couldn't put the right pieces together."

"Thinking back on it now, it was obvious. I mean you were hurting right in front of us," S.Coups takes a breath, I can visibly see the weight of it on his shoulders, "but we just took it as anger and stress and as you just overworking. I know you don't want us to feel guilty, but most defiantly each one us will, and you're going to have to let us get through that emotion, cause it'll be the hardest part of this for us. The guilt we feel or will feel is never and will never be your fault. We'll keep reminding you of this too."

"If you have to get through this by feeling guilt too, just to process this, that's okay. But like how it's not my fault it's not any of yours either. I was the one that came home early-"

"No. He was the one that decided it was okay to do what he did. It is only his fault."

"It will only ever be his fault." I finish, "You can feel guilty without putting the blame on yourself."

More than ever before, I want to hurt you. I want to rip your teeth out and make you feel the pain you caused. I want you to endure it all times two. You don't deserve to be pain free, you don't deserve to feel free while we're all still trapped in this mountain of hurt you built.

I want to hurt you more now, than before, when it was just me, when I thought I was the only one being victimized underneath you. But you hurt more people than just me, and for that alone, you deserve what ever hurt comes your way.

After eating I make my way to the shower to scrub off everything Detective Park said, and scrub away the guilt of the other members. But as I walk down the hall I spot my slippers, the slippers I haven't touched or worn, or let anyone else wear since that night I got drunk and you waltzed in wearing them like they were your own. You wore them in front of me, thinking I would never be able to get back at you, thinking you already got away with everything you did. Unknowingly, you were already victimizing other people, and you left behind your presence here far after you were gone. I google how long DNA stays on clothes, and shoes, and when it shows that the longest is 1 week, everything inside me demolishes. 

Instead of taking a shower, I take the slippers and throw them away in the dumpster in the back of the building. Then going back inside feeling like I climbed into the dumpster myself. I wonder if this feeling will ever go away, the disgusted feeling, the feeling as if I am and will always be gross and disgusting. It takes 7 years for cells to regenerate, and it's only technically been 5. I have 2 more years until I can live in a body you haven't touched. That weighs on me heavier than it should. I want to escape now. Maybe I should've jumped. Maybe I should've let you kill me that night. Maybe I shouldn't even be here right now.


	22. you have shattered my image of myself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: mention of r4pe, r4pist appearance

I didn't deserve what you did to me. I was still a kid. You thinking it was okay cause I was 18, is wrong of you. I still felt 16 then, I still looked 16 then. I was barely even past 17. So what went through your head to make you think it was alright?

Our manager texts me while I'm on my run. The day after Detective Park called me. He tells me that Dong Geun would like to talk to me. That he wants to 'clear things up'. I'm not sure what that means, but Detective Park tells me that if I do it, I can take record the conversation on my phone, and that maybe he would admit everything. I'm hesitate to agree on being in a room alone with my not so secret abuser. However I also have immense support from the members, the managers, officers, and Detective. Though we would be talking alone, the police will be right outside the door, while the Detective is studying us through a security camera with the members next door.

In the end. I agree.

And I enter the room we've sat in to discuss albums, and promotions for years, to find you sitting at one side, observing me carefully. Just informed by the manager, I messaged you myself. And we agreed on this mutual spot.

He knows the security camera is watching us, but he also knows the security camera doesn't pick up sounds. He's also not stupid though, and must know that there must be a way that they can hear us, even though he is oblivious to their presence so close by. I told him I would come alone.

The memories, all of them, come rushing back, through me, right in front of me. All those moments, and opportunities I could have come clean. I could've gotten help. I could've told. But I didn't. And instead I snapped at our past and current managers, at my members, even staff that would intervene when the arguments got too loud, out of control. I was so mean. I had too much rage, and no where to put it. I didn't know who I could truly trust. It was never anyone's fault, except mine. I picked out every word and turned them inwards, saw everything as an insult and a weapon they were trying to use against me. Everyone was the enemy then. If they have asked me what happened to me to make me act like this it, instead of the general all why. I wonder if it would've changed anything.

I didn't know why I was so angry then. I know now though. I was angry because I didn't have anyone on my side. Not that anyone could read my mind. But I was in so much pain it poured out of every part of me, coming out through rage, and tears, and yelling, and throwing things, and saying hurtful things without a reason. The biggest question in my mind then was: why did everyone assume I wasn't hurting too. So many times, I have died in this room. There's only one other place I have felt that alone in, and it's where this vulnerability all started.

As crazy as it sounds, I never thought what happened affected me that badly. I would go days, sometimes weeks not thinking about it. Until a familiar smell appeared, until I saw the clothes I wore, the bleach stained towel we still had for some fucking reason, and your cologne that would linger sometimes. I would hallucinate your smells, hallucinate your shadows as a member's. Sometimes, I would feel you behind me, like you were waiting for the second I turn around so you can put your hand over my mouth. I still panic when it's dark and I can't see down the hall. I still panic in my own fucking studio despite locking the door 100 times, over, and over. I still have melt downs when I get out of the shower and I want to change in my room, but that means walking across the hall with only a towel. And that's too much for me. I'll stand at the bathroom door, and no matter how many deep breaths I take I still can't do it. I always end up texting someone to bring me clothes. 

Like you'll appear in my room while I'm changing, and do it again.

I don't know what to expect when I see you, but you standing up and trying to give me a hug, is not one of them. I move the opposite way you do. I make it obvious that I don't want you near me. So you sit back down.

"Woozi."

"Don't call me that."

"Jihoon."

"What?" I glare into his eyes, try to bore holes through his skull. I imagine his neck snapping. I imagine him dying right now, just spontaneously. Like a miracle.

I wonder if that thought alone would send me to hell.

"I'm sorry."

I don't know how he manages to say it so pathetically, like he's sincerely sorry, like he's not the one that did it. That caused this. 

"You didn't tell me to stop. I thought you were okay with it. The first time makes everyone nervous."

"I was a kid."

"Not internationally."

"This isn't internationally. This is Korea."

"18 is old enough to make decisions. And give legal consent."

"I didn't decide to have sex with you."

"Yeah you did."

How can you argue and sound this genuine? Making me sound like the liar, like I don't remember it right.

"How much do you remember? Are you sure you remember it right? You were kind of tired, but in no way unconscious. You flirted with me all night. How was I supposed to take that?"

"I-I was?" why did it come out sounding like a question? _Wasn't._ I wasn't flirting.

"Yes. Bumzu told me you had a crush on me."

Now I know that's a lie, but my whole body is stiff and frozen. I feel completely paralyzed. I realize I'm fucked if they listen to this conversation and I'm not able to steer it back down the right path.

The camera is angled in a way where it's pointed above us, sees us enough to see our mouths moving, but can't see what's going on table down. He takes advantage of that quickly. I know he has practice cause I can't see him move at all. But I do feel him, his hand sliding across my leg. I force myself to freeze, to stay still, and not jump, or yell. I am terrified. More terrified than I would be if I were alone.

"I can see it all coming back to you," and he smiles at me as he says it, "Do you not remember?"

His hand has a death grip on my knee. He's hurting me.

"Y-yes. But that doesn-"

"Is yeah and sure, not mean yes?"

"It does but I never-"

"You did though."

"No I-"

"What are you going off of? Memory? Or proof?"

"Memory." I don't know where this is going anymore, and my thoughts are scattered and 

"That doesn't help either of us. You know how serious it is to accuse someone of something like this? It could ruin not only your career but Seventeen as a whole. I know you don't want that." He's let go of me. He must have me right where he wants me.

"Of course not. But I don't have to worry, cause I did nothing wrong."

"False accusation is a crime."

"Rape is a crime," I scoot my chair back, not letting him get closer.

"Well good thing I didn't commit rape, huh?"

"What do you have to say to 4 allegations then?"

"I'm not loved in the music industry. Not everyone has everyone's support, Jihoon. You're lucky in that way." His grin makes me nauseous.

"Have you ever asked yourself why you don't have that?"

"Have what?"

"Support."

He's taken back. Just for a second his smile fades, "my family is enough."

"Are they?"

It goes dead silent. He's thinking. Processing. And then.

"Yes," he stands up, I stare at him cause he doesn't make any moves towards the door, "Look, I'm sorry you feel alone Jihoon. I'm sorry, your first time wasn't what you expected. I'm sorry I wasn't good enough for that. I promise though, you will find someone that is. I hope you do, cause you deserve it," he pauses waiting for me to speak, but I don't know what I'm supposed to say to that, my mind is going to fast, I can't form any words willingly, "but for what it costs, I am sorry. I didn't mean to unintentionally hurt you. Sex is scary, it is. You're allowed to have your feelings about it, but are you really going to drag me and everyone you love down with you? What's that going to do?"

It's a legit question. I open my mouth. I will for something to come out. Nothing does.

"I'm sorry Jihoon," he sighs, like I'm some lost cause, "I really am."

The sincerity is sickening. It makes me feel crazy. Like maybe there's a chance I made this up.

"For what?" I stutter out, and I don't realize he's at the door now, like we just went through a small time loop, "What are you sorry for?"

I try to scream it, but it barely comes out past a whisper.

"Sex is a big decision. I'm sorry you realized you weren't ready."

He's gone before I can blink. It doesn't register that he's gone, and that our conversation is over. I can't process the door shutting, or the Detective coming in, I don't process Jeonghan, Joshua, and S.Coups behind her. I'm pulling my phone out, I have tunnel vision and can only see what's directly in front of my face. I stop the recording, it's automatically saved. I stare at it for a few more seconds then walk straight past the officers to the stair case, Joshua is right behind me.

"Jihoon-ah. Woozi-ah," he's calling me, and I know he's not even a foot away but he sounds too far.

I get to the stairs, look down the middle down the flights of stairs for not even a whole second before I drop my phone down. It bounces off every railing, but doesn't stop falling until it hits the ground floor. I can't even see it land, but we can hear it, and it echoes back up to us. 

I look back at Joshua, he's stunned, silent, still.

"What did you do?" S.Coups, Jeonghan, and the Detective stops at the door way, "What happened?"

I don't say anything. I don't move. I stare at Joshua, who finally looks at me then turns around.

"Woozi dropped his phone down the stair case."

Detective Park is more professional than I thought, she doesn't look the slightest bit surprised. Not one bit. With a flick of her wrist, two officers with blue gloved hands and a plastic bag are bounding down the stairs, their boots loud and heavy.

She clasps her hands in front of her, she sounds like pure sincerity, and compassionate, "Are you okay, Jihoon?"

Ah, the ten million dollar question.

"No," I mumble, but I know she can't hear me, she even raises a brow, and doesn't have to ask me again, her invisible 'speak up' is loud enough for me to hear, "No."

And everything crashes around me. All at once, I am in a million pieces. All over the floor, spewing over the edges, and down the stairs.

I don't realize I am crying until my head falls on Joshua's shoulder and suddenly his shirt is wet, and it takes me a minute to process that no it's not raining, those are my tears.

When the officers make their way back I beg for my phone back. They decline, and I'm ready to physically fight them enough that S.Coups arms wrap around my waist to hold me back.

Detective Park approaches me, puts a hand on each shoulder, explaining that my phone is evidence now, and that I can't have it back until they clear it. That makes me cry harder, and I am begging them to not take it. I don't want to go to jail, I want to cry out, I can't do this to the members. This is selfish of me.

And she's saying, "Look", "Look at me". She's telling me to calm down, that I'm okay and safe. But I'm not worried about being safe right now. I don't want to be accused of being a liar.

"I'm not lying," I say, but it comes out through gasped sobs so sounds more like, "I-I'm-- n-n-not-- lie-lie-lyin-lying."

Detective Park is the only one that understands what I mean, cause she immediately pulls me back into the hall, away from the stairs, (probably afraid I'm gonna throw myself down them), then takes my hands in hers, and looks me dead in the eyes.

"I believe you." That's all I hear. I'm not sure if she says anything else, cause that's all I could weed out. _I believe you. I believe you. I believe you._

I'm not a liar.


	23. you can not kill me in the way that matters

I don't like looking in the mirror often, even when we're dancing, I let Hoshi do the observing while I just try and focus on my feet being in the right places at the right times. It's been 8 days, 5 days since I threw my phone down the steps, and 5 days since I've last spoken to Detective Park. I don't know if they've even gotten a hold of the recording or not. I haven't asked, or called, and I don't think I will. I'm not sure if I want to know the answer. 

"Jihoon-ah," Jeonghan snaps me out of my daze, "Did you hear me?"

"Huh?" I look at him then at the others, we're sitting in a circle like when we play Mafia, but we weren't, we were just going over dance positions, "Sorry, what did you say?"

"I asked if I could ask you a serious question?"

I glance around, trying to read expressions, S.Coups is fiddling with his shirt sleeves, and Joshua is watching me closely. Everyone else though looks as confused as I should be.

"What?" I finally say, cause he won't just spit it out.

"I don't mean anything bad by this. This isn't a negative question, okay? But-" he pauses, and I meet his eyes waiting, "5 years? Is there a real reason you waited this long?"

Because I was scared. Because I died, and I needed to mourn. I needed to mourn my own death before allowing others to do so too. That old me, they didn't realize then, but now I know they have to realize, that, that me, is dead now. And to be asking such questions means they are still trying to process this.

"Hyung," I pause, think of the right words.

"Do you really think that's an appropriate question?" Jun asks suddenly, and you could hear pen drop how dead silent it was, "How is an answer going to change what happened?"

"It won't," Jeonghan says, and he's so stunned, I'm surprised he can even speak.

Jun doesn't like to get serious, Jun is a 3 year old trapped in a 23 year old boy. If Dino is physically the maknae, Jun is definitely the maknae mentally. 

"So why?"

Seungkwan and I sit up at once, both very curious for Jeonghan's answer.

"Because. Jihoon came to me during other hardships, why would he- why would you," he turns towards me, like reminding himself that I'm in the same room, "not tell me? The 13 of us have been together for so long, aside from Minghao-ah, the 12 of us have known each other for over a decade. And the 12 of us, we're not just your group members, we're your brothers. We're a family, and don't quote me on that cause I will deny I said this, however, I want to know what went through your head to think you couldn't tell us. We would've believed you then. Do you know that?"

I nod, not allowing myself to get caught in the moment, like the other members as I see nodding of heads, and sorrowful looks. 

"Then why didn't you trust us?"

"That's a harsh way to put it," The8 said, "Woozi-hyung trusts us. He was scared, and we have to understand that."

"It's not that I don't trust you, any of you. It's not even because I didn't think you would believe me, even though there will always be a little doubt. Jeonghan-hyung, you have to understand-actually no, you don't have to understand. But I was grieving who I was, who I was supposed to be, what I thought was right and wrong, and what I had lost," I don't know how my voice is so sturdy, not a single stutter, cause I do trust them, "That Jihoon," I wave my hands around as I try to explain, "That old me is gone. Don't be sympathetic or sad for me. I understand you lost that me, too, every time I would pick a fight with one of you, or snapped at one of you. You probably wondered who the hell I was half the time, and that's fine, cause I don't know who I was either. I wasn't me, I wasn't able to be me. Honestly though who you've been dealing with for the past 5 years is the me I am now."

"But that doesn't answer my question Jihoon. You didn't come to us, or just me because you were grieving? Because you were scared? Why couldn't you just do it?"

I know I shouldn't say it, but I am so numb to my emotions at this point, it doesn't matter what they are feeling right now.

"Have you ever been raped?"

I am just so tired of being emotional, and others being emotional for me, like I'm not capable of being sad for myself. 

"No," Jeonghan says softly, "Woozi-ah, I don't know what you went through, none of us do. That's not what I'm saying, I'm asking you this, cause if we go to court, if you go against Dong Geun they're gonna ask you why you waited. Because you were grieving and scared, is enough for us, but we have to assume it's not gonna be enough for them."

"It's going to give Dong Geun an advantage," Dino adds.

Though I agree, it doesn't change anything.

"I thought I was the only one."

"But you weren't."

"Okay that's enough hyung," Wonwoo says, and that's it, that's all he has to say and everyone is getting up to gather their things. Conversation ended.

Jeonghan gets up and comes over to me as I stand up, wraps me in a gentle hug.

"Are you mad at me Uji?" He only calls me by my nickname when he thinks I'm upset.

"No hyung," I say, "You're right. I get what your saying, and I know I should be thinking about that. But honestly if being scared that Seventeen would be ruined if I told sooner isn't enough, maybe it'll be easier to be called a liar."

"Let's not think that way, okay?" he pushes my hair back then, gives me a fond look and goes to gather his things.

I hang back a little as we walk back to our company cars, Seungkwan and DK hang back with me, cutting off conversation with other members to walk next to me.

"You didn't deserve any of the things that happened to you, and you didn't cause them somehow. Sometimes people just do awful things. And that's not your fault," Seungkwan says, and he's talking quietly so only me, and DK can hear him. I can tell he's full of the guilt that I told him he shouldn't carry, probably carry other's guilt too. And though I feel bad I know that's just how Seungkwan is, he is compassionate, and empathetic. He feels what ever everyone around him is feeling. 

I could never. 

Lately it feels like my skin has been turned inside out. Like I'm raw and exposed, and everyone can see everything, and it almost hurts to even be brushed up against. All these questions from the cops, the detectives, and now the members. They're so much. I try not to let the questions get to me, cause I can tell they each are carefully choosing each word, and running it through their head over and over before letting anything be said out loud.

What am I leaving out? What am I forgetting? I must be forgetting something, because Dong Geun, he's not acting like a criminal. He's not acting like a rapist. So I must be leaving something out, that would make me look like the bad guy.

I have never in my entire life been this fragile; where one word triggers a huge downfall of emotions and suddenly I can't breathe, or I'm paralyzed, and absolutely no one know what to do.

Everything is a blur, the days and nights are blurred together, I can't tell what's a dream and what's reality, and it's making me rethink everything. 

What if Dong Geun really didn't mean to hurt me? I mean sure he threatened me but after hours of research and videos on trauma and PTSD, I can mix a lot of memories easily. Stuff that I dreamed the night before, I can't separate from what's real. And to be honest, it's scaring the shit out of me.

Dino bought me a new phone the day after the incident, but after one day of various calls from Dong Geun himself, my phone was now under supervision by Jeonghan and Wonwoo. A lot of Carats were disappointed but after the company announced that we just needed rest, Carats were soon trending us on every platform, sending us encouragement, and support.

We've completely gone blank on social medias, like Instagram, and Twitter. We post on weverse, pictures, and updates on how each of us are doing, but besides that, no one has really said anything about our current situation, and the real reason we've cancelled the rest of the tour. But due to the current investigation, we legally can't say anything. 

S.Coups resumed getting treatment for his anxiety after we confirmed the cancellation of the rest of our world tour. I felt bad, even though it was his decision to be involved as well, and I know he just wanted to show his support for me. But his health is more important than this mess I've helped create.

Though it took a lot of convincing to get S.Coups to take a break and not take on the leader role during all of this.

"Come in," I only knocked once, I push the door open with my foot.

"What's up?" S.Coups sits up in The8's bed, putting his phone aside.

Minghao has set up his room to be a great place to just be relaxed, it was a very laid back atmosphere with perfect lighting and everything. So Minghao gladly handed over his room to S.Coups during the day so he doesn't have to be in the midst of all the chaos every single day. At least for now, we've already started packing up the kitchen and living room so we can start moving again. This time we each get our own room except for 2 of us, since there's 12 bedrooms, and 13 of us. I don't know how they managed to find a place big enough for us, finding 3 dorms right by each other was hard enough. But I'm not gonna complain or ask any questions. I'm just glad I could possibly have my own room. 

"Nothing. I made hot chocolate," I had two mugs in hand, "with marshmellows."

He smiles at me brightly, "Aw, thanks," he was obviously teasing me, it made me blush, but glad that he was treating me normally again.

"How is therapy?" I ask, and S.Coups frowns for maybe .2 seconds before smiling again.

"It's good. Have you been looking into therapists yet?"

"No."

"You should. I can help you if you want." He takes a sip of the hot chocolate.

"You should focus on yourself right now hyung," I mumble settling down on the opposite end of the bed, criss crossed and facing towards him.

"When are you going to do the same?"

It takes me off guard, I watch him for a moment, wait for him to continue, but he's also waiting for an answer.

"Why is it taking so long?" I say instead, answering a question with a question is my signature more to get out of confrontation, "I mean it's going on 8 days and they still haven't contacted me."

I know I shouldn't be bringing this up to him. He's already anxious, and tired, and anxiety-ridden. In fact Jeonghan told me anytime I need to talk about this I need to come to him or literally any other member aside from S.Coups. Except I'll do anything to refocus the attention off of me, and how I'm coping, even if that means sacrificing someone else's feelings. 

"It's an investigation, these things take time," he's reassuring me, but I can also tell he's reassuring himself.

"Do you think they believe me?"

Again, I should not be asking him this. I'm letting a bit of my vulnerability show, and S.Coups is the last person I should be letting see it. 

"Why wouldn't they?"

"That conversation didn't go as planned."

I can tell by the way S.Coups sits up, and is completely invested in every word I'm saying, he thinks he may be getting somewhere, may be getting me to budge, after days of triggers, and panic attacks, and crying myself to sleep, and waking up crying, he is finally getting me to talk. Something I know the managers and Detective told them to look out for, cause I eavesdropped on their conversation when I was supposed to be in my room.

"What did he say?"

His name- your name- has been one of my biggest triggers. Aside from waist grabbing. 

"What did you believe him over me?"

"I wouldn't. I promise." He's losing me, my body is screaming retreat.

"Do you think Detective Park believes me?"

"Of course!" but S.Coups doesn't know, how would he know?

"I'm serious."

"Me too."

Don't shut down.

"Do you see me as a victim?"

"I mean, in what way? You're not helpless Woozi. You're more of a survivor."

"But am I a victim too?"

"Well, I don't see you as weak, so-"

"Victims don't have to be weak."

Don't shut down.

"I know that."

"Never mind."

"No Woozi, I didn't mean it that way."

"I know, it's okay. Are you done?" I'm referring to his hot chocolate but he takes it as his chance to keep pushing.

"No. Woozi you are a victim," I want to tell him to stop talking now, "but that doesn't make you a weak person," he needs to stop talking, "it's not like you're playing victim. That's different, and we believe you. You really are the strongest person I know."

"Is it a bad thing to be weak?"

"No!" and I can see it in his face that he wants to tell me I'm putting words into his mouth, but I'm not, not really, I didn't need to, he's just letting it come out, "Woozi- I- I don't know what to say here. I'm not a therapist. I don't know how to help. I just want you to know that we love you, and that we're here, and we believe you, no matter what."

"Thank you hyung," I say, "I'm sorry I came to you with this, it's a lot, and-"

"I'm still capable of helping you, and giving you advice. I'm glad you came to me."

I nod, and I do appreciate it, but this is important, "You said no matter what?"

"No matter what we'll believe you."

"He said I said yes, that I gave consent when I didn't. He said I just don't remember it right and that he could get proof. He said I enjoyed it and regretted doing it afterwards cause I was scared it was going to ruin our debut."

S.Coups doesn't say anything for a long minute, he just observes me then opens his mouth, and nothing comes out. I take his mug out of his hand.

"Abusers can play victim too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back!! I haven't been home for a while, I just got back a couple days ago. I went and stayed with my sister for a little due to some personal issues and my plummeting mental health. But I'm back at home, and back on track with therapy and doctors, so I should be fine. Thank you for waiting.


	24. we shouldn't be this kind of tired at our age

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is ENTIRELY and ONLY Bumzu's point of view. Jihoon is mentioned, but no where in this chapter is his thoughts, only Bumzu's.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bumzu's Point Of View

**Bumzu's POV**

Before Raina left we got into it. I still don't know why I was angry, when I shouldn't have been the one angry. Nothing happened to me. I wasn't the one that got hurt. So why does it feel that way? Why am I having these extreme emotions with little to no control?

I know I should be calling Woozi, calling Raina and apologizing for being a massive dickhead. But I can't bring myself to even turn on my phone. And no matter how invalidated I feel. I lost something too. I lost my best friend, and I should be able to grieve. So I let her go stay with Nana for a while, a close friend of her's who also was in After School and Orange Caramel with Raina. 

I've known Dong Geun since I joined Pledis, I was 15, still in high school. Dong Geun was 13, he hadn't hit puberty yet, and was barely to my shoulder at the time. We were shoved in the same dorm for years. I would walk him to school every day up until he was joining me in high school. He was my kid brother, and I adored him from the start. He admired me, he really did, he used to tell me he wanted to be just like me. He had big dreams and lots of hope. At first I was training to become a singer with Dong Geun, but then switched to becoming a composer cause I enjoyed it more. But Dong Geun always said that was a good thing, cause I was talented, and I could compose all his songs for him. We could be a team. That excited him the most. Dong Geun's mom and I would compete on how proud we were of him. I would go to all his basketball games, and his wrestling matches in middle school then in high school. I was his own cheerleader when his mom couldn't make it to every game.

We would go out for ice cream afterwards rather if he won or not. We drowned his sorrows in ice cream, and drowned his victory in ice cream. It was a win/win. Dong Geun was an only child so his mother was thankful for me, and my natural old brother ways.

I remember when I would kill a man for that kid. I think I still would.

I remember when I promised him the night he almost got kicked out of the company cause he 'wasn't trying hard enough' that I would fight the CEO myself, and that I would never let him fail on his own. 

I remember when I would make his lunches all through out his Junior and Senior year, cause I finally had the spare time in the morning after I graduated.

I helped him with Algebra in freshman year. I helped him ask out his first ever girlfriend, before it was super strict for trainees not to date.

The loneliest years for idols is when they're trainees. Away from family and friends, moving schools, and cities. Having to learn how to adapt in a entirely new environment without a hand leading you. I remembered how scared I was, and I didn't want that feeling to overcome Dong Geun too.

In my mind I have to separate them, Woozi and Dong Geun, tucking them into their own worlds. They don't even know each other. Whatever Woozi is feeling, Dong Geun wasn't the cause. They're two strangers dealing with different issues, with different stories and different outcomes.

 _"This must be all a misunderstanding,"_ is what my mom had to say about all this. She's adopted Dong Geun the moment he walked into her door with me when I was just a mere Sophomore. 

I been sitting out here for a while, staring up at Dong Geun's building, waiting for him to look out his window and notice my car. I want to act for just a moment that this is a normal typical night, and me and Dong Geun are going to shoot hoops at the same basketball court we've been playing at every Monday for the past decade or so. But his lights aren't even on. I know because I memorized his floor and which window is his years ago.

I stare at my screen, full of missed calls and texts from Dong Geun since 2 weeks ago. A cold numbness spreading through my limbs, so I power down my phone and toss it into the empty passenger seat.

The street lights are dim, will get brighter when more businesses shut down for the night. I pull out and drive the opposite way I came.

_"Do you believe me?"_ has been said to me from two different sides, and I said yes to both of them. I know which one is true, but I still don't know which one I want to be true.

"Bumzu hyung, you know you can talk to me," Baekho said, sitting across from me in my studio, waiting for my response. He's been talking to me lately, supporting Jihoon and Seventeen from a distance. Though I know he wants to be there in person, he's naturally protective, Seventeen are his younger brothers, he would kill a man for Jihoon. _I would kill a man for Dong Geun too._

"I know. This is just so- so- it's just fucked up- everything is fucked."

"I know," Baekho's fingertips press into my arm and I immediately tense. Part of me realizes he's trying to keep me calm. Part of me doesn't care.

"How can it be true? How can we know for sure? We weren't there, we don't know, we don't know everything."

"We know enough to know that Jihoon wouldn't lie about this."

"Jihoon would never lie about something like this, he isn't that type of person," I look at him and he nods his head, agreeing, "Dong Geun isn't the kind of person that would hurt someone in this way."

"Hyung. There's multiple people saying he did," he's trying to grab my hand, I pull away, not finished.

"But they don't know Dong Geun, they don't know him like I do."

"You're right. So tell me what we're missing." 

But I can't. I need someone to explain it to me so I can fight for them both in the right ways. 

"Were you near the studios that night they're talking about?"

_"No," I shake my head. I should've been there. I should have. I sent Dong Geun to Woozi, because I couldn't go myself. And I know Dong Geun would never hurt someone that I care about._

And before I know it I'm shaking, I'm shaking because I can't process any of this. I can't make sense of any of it, can't sift through what I've been told and what I believe and what I feel. My thoughts are a mess.

"Well I was."

Time stops as I process what Baekho said.

"What?"

"I wanted to tell you before I went and made a statement."

"You're going to make a statement?" I'm surprised, but feel more blindsided than anything else, "Why do you want to tell me?"

"Because I care about you," he says, and it's sincere, "I know Dong Geun too, he's a friend, I wasn't close to him how you were though."

_Were. Wasn't. All past tense. Like he's dead now._

_Would that be easier to handle than this?_

_Of course not._

Well--

No.

"But hyung," he takes a deep breath, "I care about Jihoon too. And at the end of the day when it all comes together, Jihoon's safety is more important than Dong Geun or your feelings. I hope you can understand that."

"I do," I say without hesitation, I'm reminded once again that this is not about me, "this isn't about my feelings, entirely, it's not about Dong Geun's either. It's about his career."

"What about Jihoon's well being?" Baekho is so calm, so patient, "Does that matter?"

"Of course-- Baekho-ah, don't make me out to be the bad guy."

"Who is hyung? Who is the bad guy in this scenario for you?"

"I- I- I don't know."

"Jihoon is a little brother to you too. Raina is much more."

"I know!"

"So? Tell me what you're thinking."

"I don't know what to think."

"You do," he says simply, and I just stare at him.

"I _can't_."

Baekho sighs, standing up, pulling me up with him then gripping my shoulders and we're looking into each other's eyes. If this were a movie they would've found a way to make this romantic.

"Hyung," I snap out of it, looking into him instead of through him, "He's your brother, I get that. But I..." he breathes out heavily, "I need you to know that I do believe Jihoon and Raina and the anonymous woman and that trainee. Rather you believe them or not-"

"I can't _not_ believe them-"

"Let me finish." I shut up, "You need to figure out what your next steps are going to be. You know Dong Geun will ask you to testify for him. And if he did this, why would you want to be on his side?"

"He's my brother. I love him."

"I loved him too."

Loved. Loved. I don't think I can do that, have loved. I want to love him now.

"I watched him grow up. I watched and guided him to be the man he is today. I can't just throw away everything I've done for him, and give up. I can't give up on him. He knows how much Jihoon and Seventeen as a whole mean to me. I can't believe that he would do something like this."

"I'm going to let this go, because I know you're upset right now. And you have every right to be. But just so we're clear, Jihoon, and Raina don't owe you an explanation or a story or even one juicy detail. You and Dong Geun are not the victims."

Just when I think he's going to break this chain of thoughts and intensity in the air, tell me that he's here for me despite everything. I know he's already made up his mind, picked a side, and is moving forward already. While I'm still trying to wake up from a nightmare.

So instead of pulling me into a hug and letting me cry it out, he pushes past me, grabs his bag and jacket with one sweep, and is out the door without another word.

When I visit my mom for New Years holiday, I was met with Dong Geun and his own mother with my mother all sitting on the couch. Dong Geun is in the center being coddled and hugged and comforted as he weeps, and cries about how he didn't do anything. I couldn't stay. Seeing him in pain still haunts me. I got in my car and cried while I drove home instead. I was supposed to protect him.

But now, he's sitting there, polite, calm, and collected, no longer that scared little boy from that afternoon. This time is different. This is the boy I know. The boy I love. The boy I watched grow up. The boy I _have_ to believe.

My mom enters with a tray with tea, and Dong Geun's mom enters with a tray of fruits, crackers and cheese.

"With a drop of honey, just how you like it," she says holding out my cup of tea.

"Thanks eomma," I whisper, and close my hands around the warm cup.

Dong Geun's mom settles down on the couch next to him. Dong Geun looks exactly like her, while I look exactly like my mom too. She seems a lot calmer today, a determined look set on her face.

"Alright," my mom starts, sitting on the other side of Dong Geun while I stay sitting in the rocking chair next to it. We're all facing towards each other. Dong Geun watching me closely, "this past week has been rough. So we wanted to touch base as a family, and make sure we're all on the same page."

"Same page?"

"Just let me finish," she scolds lightly.

"We've talked to Dong Geun," my mom squeezes his hand reassuringly, "and he's told us what happened, but I think you need to hear his side as well."

"For which story?"

"All of them."

"Okay," I finally settle my eyes on Dong Geun, waiting patiently, "What happened?"

He clears his throat, as my mom rubs his back, and his mom keeps her hand resting on his thigh.

"Jihoon was jealous of you and Raina, he liked you, like really liked you. He was disappointed when I showed up instead of you. I talked to him though, let him get his feelings out. And I don't know it sort of got out of hand from there-"

"Did you take advantage of him?"

"Let your brother finish," my mom scolded, always being the more passionate one, while Dong Geun's mom was laid back, and always calm.

"I didn't. We started kissing, he came onto me first though, and I didn't want to hurt his feelings so I kissed back. It escalated from there. I told him we shouldn't cause he was technically still a minor, but he wouldn't take no for an answer. I wasn't going to tell anyone, I didn't want him to get in trouble. I already debuted but Jihoon had all of Seventeen on his back when he made that decision. I didn't make it for him. And now he regrets it, and is trying to make himself feel better."

"Feel better about what?" I'm trying not to get lost.

"He's gay, hyung. And he doesn't want to be."

I swallow hard, my throat tightening. Everything he's saying makes sense. Still, something's settling right, like a greasy meal on an empty stomach.

"What about Raina?"

"I never touched her. I would never do that to you, or her. We got into it though, about Jihoon, and she was so mad, I guess I hurt her feelings. I didn't mean to hurt her though."

"What did you say to her?"

What did you say to her that is making her have nightmares, and panic attacks, and crying spells that lasted weeks, and months. Holding her, rocking her until she cries herself to sleep, or until she cries so hard I have to carry her to the bathroom so she won't be sick on the floor.

"Please don't take that tone." my mom warns me, Dong Geun's mom leans over and squeezes her knee once, giving her a reassuring nod and a look telling her to calm down.

"Raina is passionate, you know that, and Jihoon and her got into it, and he brought me up, so she got pissed at me and started accusing me of all this shit I didn't do. I told her she doesn't deserve you, that she was a liar, and that she wasn't going to get anywhere that way."

He's waiting for me to get mad, like that time he broke my video game controller I gotten for Christmas from the moms.

But I was calm. Or maybe numb. I'm not sure.

"What about the trainee and the anonymous woman?"

"The anonymous woman was a saesang," his mom says.

"And the trainee?"

"I was taking part in helping the ceo pick eliminations. He found out it was me, and well- I guess he heard about Jihoon, and decided to join. And that's it. Now we're here in this mess."

Our moms are sipping their tea, and nodding along to his stories like we're talking about some childish playground drama. Throughout his stories, Dong Geun continuously is messing with his lip. His elbow is propped up on one knee, and he's picking at his bottom lip as he breathes in between sentences. It's such a subtle gesture I know I'm the only one that picks up on it. I don't think he even notices he's doing it. He looks straight at me, voice steady, expression the perfect mix of embarrassed and confident.

But I finish listening to him, watch him, and wait.

Finally he goes quiet. I know I should say something but all I can do is flick my eyes to his fingers messing with his lip. He sees me do it and lets his hand drop into his lap.

"So that's what happened. _That_ is the truth, and no matter what happens we need to stay united, and support one another as a family."

"What does that mean?"

"It means you won't talk to anyone, or give any statements until we figure out rather we're going to court or not, and then we'll figure out if you can testify for Dong Geun."

They have swallowed these stories whole. None of it is a lie, or even questioned by them. He's their kid, and it's a part of them now.

"I need a minute."

"Now Beom-ju, you can't just walk away from this."

"Let him process," Dong Geun's mom says, "he needs a minute to process it all. Raina is his girlfriend, and Jihoon is a close friend."

"Dong Geun is his brother."

"I know that," I say, but I sound defeated already.

"Let him go, eomma," Dong Geun refers to my mom, just how I refer to his as eomma. Their relationship hasn't been a secret since Junior year of high school.

"This doesn't mean we think Raina or Jihoon are bad people," Dong Geun's mom says, and I nod, I know she will take their side, even though she's philosophical and always strives to see all sides. She's the one that taught us that nothing is ever black and white.

"I'm sorry moms."

"Oh honey it's okay, I am too," my mom reassures, "I know you must be so hurt by this, Jihoon was your friend. And now he's lying on you."

I blink trying to reconcile this woman in front of me. The possibility that Jihoon, Raina, the trainee, or this anonymous woman is telling the truth never entered her mind. My hands itch to hold my family, hold them together. But we're already in pieces.

Because I know Dong Geun is lying. The best lies are layered in between truths. And Dong Geun is a careful storyteller. I know him too well, share too much blood, and for the first time in my life I wish we didn't. 

I'm not even sure what this is exactly, this hazy certainty that he's lying-- at least about some part of all this-- in my gut, I know he's lying.

The court isn't like a huge spotlight but you can see it at least two stop signs away. I don't have to get closer to know the man resting on the edge of the court, basketball under one arm, leaned back, gulping down water with the other hand, is Dong Geun. I don't have to get closer cause I can sense his presence miles away. It's a best friend thing, or maybe a brother thing, I'm not sure.

At first he doesn't see me, I drive up across the street, and put my car in park. He's in black sweats, a black shirt, and even a black jacket, but his shoes, the ones I got him for his birthday the past year are red and white, and there's still the small feeling of love inside me for that alone.

I'm back in the present, and as I get out of the car, leaving my phone behind. I find myself watching him from across the street, looking for signs in the way he moves and throws the ball into the basket, that he's not that lying boy back at our family meeting around New Years. But that fear-- that I never really knew him at all-- was stronger than anything else.

"Up for a game?" I say loud enough for him to hear me as I walk onto the court.

"Hyung!" his smile reminds me when he was young, still not wanting to order food on his own.

I offer a smile, and steal the basketball right from his hands.

"How's Raina and you?"

Her name brings everything back into focus, the reason I'm here.

"She's fine." 

That's a lie, and I know he can tell. We have that sixth sense with each other. We can always tell when the other is lying.

"You still haven't kissed an made up?" he bounces the ball back to me.

He's talking like this isn't his fault in the slightest, that between me and Raina we only had a small fight, and it had nothing to do with him. Pathetic.

"There's nothing to make up about," I need him to just grasp what I'm saying and take responsibility. 

Tell me the truth.

"What about Lizzy?" I ask, the remaining member of Orange Caramel, surely to also be with Nana and Raina tonight. Lizzy and Dong Geun have always been close, they had a weird relationship.

"What do you mean?"

"You said she was acting weird. Why's that?"

"I don't know-- ask her."

"Are you serious?"

He throws his hands into the air, "Yes. Fuck. What the fuck is with everyone?"

His words, his tone, everything about him right now infuriates me. As if everything is just happening to him.

"Again, are you serious right now?" I drop the ball I been holding under my arm, he doesn't try to grab it before it rolls off the court.

"I thought we were talking about you and Raina noona."

"And I thought we said we weren't going to lie to each other."

His eyes narrow on me, his mouth dropping open a little.

"You don't believe me do you? This whole thing, you believe Raina over me?" Hurt spills into his voice, and for some reason I feel like I need to apologize. I feel so bad.

"I want to."

"Want to what?"

"Believe you," I say.

"But you don't," he says matter-of-factly.

"None of this matches up with Raina or Jihoon. They wouldn't lie."

"But I would, right? You've known me longer than them combined. So what? You think I'm a sexual predator now? It's really that easy for you to think that?"

"None of this is easy."

His anger dissolves as suddenly as it appeared, a look of sadness turns into desperation.

"Hyung it's still me," he reaches out, and I take a step back.

I will never forget the hurt in his face.

"I love you," I finally say, "I do. But you aren't anyone I can trust anymore. Stay away from Raina, and Jihoon, and Seventeen. Don't come near Pledis again. You're contract is over, move on."

"We're brothers," he gets out before I can walk away.

"We always will be," I say, "That doesn't change what you did."

"I didn't do it," he says, and I'm off the court, back faced towards him.

"You can stop lying now."

I don't turn around, cause I know if I do, it'll break me, and haunt me for the rest of my life. I hold my breath until I can drive away. And hold back the tears as long as possible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter was so long. I needed to fit everything in it. And make Dong Geun out as a real person, not just a villain in the background.  
> We'll jump back to Woozi's point of view in the next chapter.


	25. you can not heal in the same environment where you got hurt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is slightly shorter, and a little confusing. But it's supposed to be, so if you think you can figure out the ending leave a comment.

It is often that you'll experience the worst of your trauma only after you're safely away from your abuser; is what I've been told by every psychiatrist I've visited so far. Two to be exact, but the fact that both of them said the same exact thing, bothered me. It took one 6 hour session to be diagnosed with PTSD, another 5 hour session to be sure they didn't misdiagnose me. Afterwards Hoshi treated me to lemonade and ice cream in the hospital cafeteria. He brought me both times, he even waited patiently in the waiting room down the hall staying entertained with fans on weverse while facetiming other members.

I'm grateful for my members, especially Hoshi, as they put up with the mood swings, the unpredictable angry outbursts, the panicking, the locking myself away in a room for hours as they worry about my safety, the sleepless nights where one of them will stay up with me, the endless paranoia. I know it's a lot, and I know it must be annoying. I still haven't found a way to repay them yet.

However, I still do not feel safe. You are not locked away, and you have the right to go anywhere, and do what ever you want, still, and that's unsettling. I'm a home body, I've always been, but the extent I'm taking it to now, I know must be scaring the other members.

Hoshi is behind me balancing both drinks and ice cream bowls in hand, as I jiggle our dorm key into the door knob and struggle to get it open. Someone finally comes to the door and I yank the key out before they can pull the door the opposite way. Jeonghan is standing there, door wide open now, and I am frozen, for some odd unknown reason.

Jeonghan gives us a warm smile, and Hoshi darts around me.

"How was it?"

"Okay," I say, though we had to leave a hour early, to everyone's knowledge, knowing it takes time for Hoshi to get me out of the car after I've stopped crying, and panicking in the Hospital parking lot. 

_"Why do I feel this way?"_

_I have my knees pressed so closely to my chest as I try to roll up in a ball and make myself invisible. We're outside the outpatient unit, no one bats an eye our way. They're used to this kind of behavior._

_"What way?"_

_"Delusional. What if she question my truths? What if I made up this fucked up world in my head and I'm putting everyone through this for nothing?"_

_"Me and you both know you wouldn't do that. You did not make anything up," but he must notice I'm not listening as my entire body shakes and tears stream down my face as I sniffle every few seconds, "Jihoon," he's gripped my hand and I squeeze it to let him know I'm present, "You don't need to prove yourself to anybody, you were there, you know what happened. They don't,"_ _neither of us know who 'they' is, but we have a sense, and that's all we really need,_ _"Your memory is not wrong. You are not putting us through anything, especially not for nothing. We chose this, we chose to go through this with you. You didn't ask us. You didn't need to. At the end of the day everyone in your life that truly cares about you and loves you, believes you, okay?"_

_"Okay."_

_"If there's a point where you are uncomfortable, or you need to leave, you just text me. It doesn't even have to make sense, I will barge in that room and we'll go get lemonade and ice cream."_

_I nod, and try to smile. But I'm just over all too nervous to focus fully on anything else. So I get out of the car and follow Hoshi inside and we check in at the front desk._

"Just okay?" he raises an eyebrow, gently pulling me inside by the elbow so he can shut the door.

"We talked and did some activities," I slowly follow Jeonghan into the kitchen where everyone is getting set up for dinner.

"Were they fun?"

Yes.

"They were interesting," I say instead.

"Come eat something then I'll set you free," Jeonghan jokes, wrapping his arms around me, but being careful not to grab my waist, "We got kimchi and white rice, yours and Hoshi's favorites."

Though eating hasn't been appealing to me lately, I get myself a plate. Give myself a bigger serving than I have in a long time, and I feel the smiles and the energy in the room lighten. It's small, eating a whole serving of rice instead of half, but it's still an accomplishment. But then again anything is an accomplishment around here lately. If I get out of bed before 2 and remember to brush my teeth, I still get plenty praise.

I don't think the members will ever understand how much it means to me to just hear a 'good job' or 'I'm glad you remembered' or even 'I'm glad you decided to get up today'. Cause it must seem so small, but I haven't taken a shower in over a week and I haven't ate more than half a meal a day in the past 9 days. And most days I wake up and want to lay in my bed and let myself rot, but I don't, and I don't know why I don't besides that I want to hear that small praise. So I know I'm doing something right, even if it is small.

I smile, and lately it's been easier to. I feel like I don't have to hide as much anymore.

As we eat though, our home phone rings, it's convenient when the other members or the managers want to get a hold of me. I don't have my phone, and I don't think I'll want it back anytime soon. And it's not like they'll find me anywhere else besides in my bed or on the couch. So no one questions when I'm the one that gets up to answer it.

I face towards the fridge, cause The8 and Dk picked out the house phone that hangs on the wall like in the 80s and 90s. It's even bright red. It reminds me of the ones in the telephone boxes.

"Hello?"

_"Am I speaking with Lee Jihoon?"_

"Yes ma'am."

_"May I connect you to the next line to talk to Detective Park?"_

"Yes. Of course." It's been over a week, I don't know why she would think I would want to talk to her.

_"Jihoon-ah? This is Detective Park? How are you holding up?"_

"The same."

 _"I'm sorry to hear that,"_ she says sighing into the phone.

I don't know what she was expecting. Me suddenly being all dandy and fine? Moving on? How can I move on when I haven't even started healing.

"Me too," I whisper, and I don't think she hears me cause she clears her throat and changes the subject.

_"Well I have news."_

I take note on how she didn't specify what kind of news. Bad? Good? I prepare myself for the worst.

_"We have found an indication of cum on your clothes and the trainee's. The DNA matches each other but there is no way for us to get Dong Geun's DNA without his consent or evidence that this is him."_

"What?" consent? how ironic, "Did you tell him that?"

_"No. We're bringing him in for more questioning and hoping he'll let something slip to give us a reason to search his house."_

I glance back at the table where the members are eating and chatting at a normal volume, at least for us. They don't even look my way.

"Have you listened to the recording?"

_"Well you sure didn't make it easy for us."_

"I know."

_"We did."_

"And?" my breath hitches and I have to remind myself to breathe.

_"Jihoon, I'm going to be honest with you, I think you should be looking into getting a lawyer and attorney. This recording, I'm not sure if we should release it. I recommend it being up to your attorney."_

"Why?"

_"They'll know if you really have a chance with this case."_

"I don't want to fight," I whisper into the phone.

_"I know you don't. But if you don't, we'll have to rely on the next person who reports."_

"What do you need from me?"

_"....it was a blur from there._

_Being kicked in the balls is nothing compared to being held down and losing your virginity unwillingly. I can't describe it, it's the type of thing that if you haven't been through it you won't even be able to imagine that kind of pain._

_It was a power thing. I knew that. My dad started to teach me how to fight when I was 5. I have always been small, and when all the boys hit their growth in Junior high and high school, I never seemed to. You know scientifically neglect effects your growth immensely. So I tend to blame it on that, along with not being affectionate or not having the ability to process intimacy._

"And you said you went to the doctor? How did they react?"

_After I went to the doctor, I didn't think about how subtle she was with me. How she didn't even question the frantic state I was in. And I wonder if maybe, maybe if I were a girl it would be different. Girls have that connection with each other without even knowing the other, sexism and rape culture is something every girl has to be aware of, and it sucks to think about having to live like that. But even though I have the privilege of being a man, I don't have the privilege of only being an ally. I'm a victim. A survivor only when I stop talking about it; and it isn't fair, it's not fair that when I was scared to see a male doctor it was because they assumed I was afraid of not being man enough, and not the fact that I'm afraid because men are capable of doing horrible things while having the ability to get away with it. And though I know it's not like this for everyone, when it comes to the big picture it's girls supporting girls not girls supporting rape victims. Rape survivors support rape victims._

"What's the difference?"

_There isn't really a difference. Because even when I get to the point where I don't see myself as a victim anymore; I think a little part of me that will always be stuck in that moment always will be._

"How about you? Raina, you don't think you can move on from this?"

_I don't think I can't. It's hard to start the healing process when I'm still in the same environment where I got hurt and blamed in._

"Blamed?"

_You listened to the recording._

"I have."

_So you know he won't ever admit he's wrong, at least not to me or to his other victims._

"Why?"

_Abusers enjoy playing victim while simultaneously manipulating the rest of you who weren't there when our entire life changed._


	26. just because things could've been different it doesn't mean they'd be better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: R4pist Mentioned

**_Trigger Warning:_ R4pist Mentioned**

I've listened to the red flags, so many times I can probably recite them by now. Red flags for therapists. Red flags for predators. Red flags. Red flags. Red flags. 

I fucking hate them. Cause I know even though I can recite every red flag given to me, I am still at risk at falling into another one of those predatory traps that rapists always seem to have perfected. I won't admit how much that terrifies me. So I don't pay attention to those.

I focus on finding a therapist. I know I must be getting annoying, cause in only a week I've gone through 4 therapists.

The red flags I have memorized, and I do pay attention to them. But my red flag is important too. In my opinion the most important.

I've become numb to telling my story, at least the summarized one.

_"He held me down. Yes we just met. Yes I trusted him. He held me down and assaulted me. Yes he was inside me. It lasted 9 minutes."_

So short. So simple.

And so far every single one have answered the same.

 _"I can't imagine."_ (Therapist 1)

 _"I'm so sorry I can't imagine."_ (Therapist 2)

 _"I can't imagine that happening to me."_ (Therapist 3)

 _"I can't imagine. I'm sorry that happened to you."_ (Therapist 4)

S.Coups and our manager are always waiting for me in the car. I don't usually say anything they just know. We drive home, picking up fast food on the way. I always get to pick.

Today is different. Not by much. But it's different.

"We'll be here," S.Coups says, giving me a reassuring smile. I'm glad to know he hasn't lost hope.

"I know," I reply, and shut the door.

The walk up the side walk, up the steps, and into the old raggedly building; where I've met all the therapists so far; is always intimidating. I always get the nervous feeling in my stomach. Like it's the first day of school, except I know what's going to happen. And that makes it a little bit worse.

"Hello Jihoon! It's good to see you again. You know the rules, have a seat and I'll call you when she's ready."

"Thank you," and I give a bow. The desk lady is so nice, I wish she could be my therapist.

I should probably learn her name one of these days.

The waiting room is cozy, it reminds me of a old farmhouse someone's grandparents would live in. I'm glad it's not hospital-like, or like a normal waiting room. No instead I feel like I'm sitting in someone's living room, without the TV, and it's nice and warm but not too warm; there's a fireplace, and two leather couches, two arm chairs, and a black slick grand piano by the front windows, and there's a perfect amount of windows, all in the right places so the sun isn't too bright and you don't need curtains. There's a chandelier above the piano, and a huge shelf full of boxes and crates of sensory toys I haven't felt comfortable touching yet.

"Jihoon I'm ready for you," an older lady is at the door, peaking inside. The door closes and I have to open it to follow her. Her room is across from the waiting room, which makes me nervous right off the bat.

"Come in, you can sit on the couch."

I sit on her purple couch.

"So what brings you in today?"

This is not a doctor's appointment lady, you know why I'm here. The same as why everyone else is here. We're fucked up. We need help.

"Therapy is required by my company."

She nods, already writing things down. I wonder if she's describing my every movement in her notes, my clothes, how my hair hasn't been brushed in 2 weeks, and how my legs won't stop shaking.

"You're in a band. I remember now..."

She goes on a ramble about how her grand kids are fans. That almost get's me up to leave right then. But I push to give her a chance.

"Your trauma, would you mind sharing that with me?"

I don't like how she calls it my trauma, like it's only mine. He has other victims, there's others like me. There are. Right?

I share anyways. She watchs intently writing as I talk, all while still observing me why I squirm in my seat. This is not my ideal Thursday afternoon.

Then I stop talking and she starts speaking.

"I can't imagine how that must have made you feel."

I close my eyes, breathe in deeply and let out a sigh. She's the same. I'm not wasting my time this time.

"Jihoon? Was that too much? Let's breathe on it, okay? It's okay to be triggered."

"Why?"

"Why what honey?"

"Don't call me that," I snap, and I'm standing, not bothering to put my jacket back on, it's laying over my arm.

"Okay I'm sorry," she's sincere I can tell, and I can't imagine what she's gonna do when she gets home. She's going to tell her grandkids I'm a freak, I'm fucked up, and that they shouldn't be listening to our music.

"If you can't imagine what I've been through why are you a therapist?"

She's taken back I can tell, but I can't get myself to care. I'm not finished. All the frustration from this week building up in me. I'm ready to explode, and she's just sitting so calmly in her chair.

"I-"

"Right and now you have nothing to say? I don't want you to imagine it. I want you to understand."

I stop, it makes me sound like I want her to be raped. That's not what I want. I'm saying things out of my ass. I need to stop.

"I have to go."

"Jihoon, let's just breathe for a second."

"I don't need to fucking breathe. I'm breathing see," I breathe in and out as loudly as I can to show her, "I'm not the only one that feels this way. I'm not the only one who's been through this."

"That's not what I meant, I'm sorry I didn't mean to-"

"No one means anything."

I'm out her door and the front door before I can even go up and sign out with the desk lady. I'm too mad, or overwhelmed, or maybe overstimulated. I'm not sure, but I need to hit something.

I knock on the back car window and wait for the unlock sound before getting in.

"It's only been 20 minutes."

"I know."

"What happened?"

"Red flag."

"Are you okay?"

"Do I seem okay?" I glare at our leader. Our leader who's been so patient with me, our leader who pushed through his own therapy to help me with mine.

My face softens, "I'm sorry."

"It's okay. Do you want to talk about it?"

I shake my head, cause the words, my brain, its overwhelmed with them. If I open my mouth who knows what will come out.

I haven't seen or spoken to Bumzu in a long while but today is moving in day and he has came to help move furniture inside. I don't pay much attention to him ignoring me at first, I'm more focused on getting through this day without triggers.

But every time I would round a corner and Bumzu would be carrying a box of kitchen supplies, or a chair, or helping move the couch or arm chairs, he would have this expression on his face. This expression that made me wonder if he knew where he was at this moment. The expression I used to wear the following weeks after my assault when I finally trying to figure out what happened to me. This expression like we're not quite sure if we were supposed to be put on this earth for this reason.

"You okay?" I ask as I see him alone staring at the empty shelves in the kitchen, looking as if he had no idea what to do with himself. It seems though he didn't hear me, so I get closer, walk around the table so I'm facing him across, "Bumzu Hyung, you okay?"

And this is the first time I've gotten to ask this question and not be the one being asked. I feel relieved at the fact everything could be going back to normal.

"I talked to Dong Geun the other day," Bumzu says quietly.

There it is. Your name.

"Why?" I ask cautiously, cause I'm not sure if I should be defensive or not. Maybe he fought in my honor.

"I didn't want it to be true."

I have never seen Bumzu upset before, mad, sure, stressed, yeah. But upset?

"I didn't want either of you to be right," he says.

"Okay," I say, cause I can't control who his family is and if his family members are rapists or not.

"I shouldn't be bringing this up to you," he speaks and snapping out of his daze at the same time to actually look at me.

I look back, "No you shouldn't be."

He frowns, "I'm sorry Woozi. I'm so sorry that I didn't know."

"Okay."

"Everything okay?" Seungkwan pops in out of nowhere, like always.

"Yeah," I say, and the anger is rising. He didn't defend me. He wanted me to be a liar, "Bumzu hyung was just leaving."

Both of their heads snap in my direction.

"Woozi- I'm- I didn't mean- ."

"It doesn't matter now, hyung. I know what you mean-"

"No I don't think you do."

"I know I do," I say and were standing next to each other suddenly, and my hand is on his shoulder like I'm the one comforting him.

"I believe you," he breathes out, speaking loudly so as more members pile into the living room and kitchen they freeze too.

I try my hardest not to roll my eyes, but I can't help but laugh.

"Okay. That great Hyung, thanks for the consideration of believing me over the fucking rapist."

'Rapist' leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I almost throw up, because that r word hurts still. It's still fresh, and my scars are still torn open.

"Please don't call him that?" 

"What? Call him what he is?"

I could hit him. I almost--- I do.

I hit him.

And then I watch him fall backwards, regain his balance and come at me as Seungkwan goes to pull him back before he can touch me. Everything is erupting in chaos.

And I am screaming at him, and I mean _screaming_ at him. 

"Woozi get off of him!"

I didn't even realize I was on him.

I'm yelling 'fuck you' over and over, to the point where I don't know who I'm saying it to and I know I'm going to have to apologize later anyways to make up for it; for all of this.

_I'm in a room with 2 other victims, Raina and this young trainee I haven't met before; his name is Jin-hyun. I remember because he's the one that introduced himself at the door, 10 m_ _inutes ago when it was just the 3 of us and we were still waiting for Detective Park._

_-"Hi I'm Jin-hyun, but you can call me Jin. I'm a huge fan," he's bowing twice, deeply to show how much he disrespects me._

_It takes me a moment to realize I'm the hyung. I'm at his shoulder but I know he's only 16._

_So I smile, "You already know my name, so feel free to call me Woozi."_

_"I'm sorry I'm just so excited to meet you," he's oddly giddy especially for the situation, I think he notices by the look on my face, "I wish we didn't have to meet this way."_

_I give him an reassuring pat on the shoulder, "It's okay. Me too." -_

_"....it was a blur from there," Jin said, his eyes locked with a dead sadness, "Being kicked in the balls is nothing compared to being held down and losing your virginity unwillingly. I can't describe it, it's the type of thing that if you haven't been through it you won't even be able to imagine that kind of pain."_

_"I was a power thing," I say, glancing around the room, Jin Hyun is shaking lightly next to me, Raina on the other side of him her legs acrossed and hands clasped on the table, Detective Park across from us, and two officers at the door inside and outside._

_"And you said you went to the doctor? How did they react?" Detective Park speaks calmly and gently as if we're scared animals._

_I wish I was the anonymous woman._

_"After I went to the doctor, I didn't think about how subtle she was with me. How she didn't even question the frantic state I was in. And I wonder if maybe, maybe if I were a girl it would be different. Girls have that connection with each other without even knowing the other, sexism and rape culture is something every girl has to be aware of, and it sucks to think about having to live like that. But even though I have the privilege of being a man, I don't have the privilege of only being an ally. I'm a victim. A survivor only when I stop talking about it; and it isn't fair, it's not fair that when I was scared to see a male doctor it was because they assumed I was afraid of not being man enough, and not the fact that I'm afraid because men are capable of doing horrible things while having the ability to get away with it. And though I know it's not like this for everyone, when it comes to the big picture it's girls supporting girls not girls supporting rape victims. Rape survivors support rape victims."_

"What's the difference?"

_"There isn't really a difference. Because even when I get to the point where I don't see myself as a victim anymore; I think a little part of me that will always be stuck in that moment always will be."_

_She hums, nodding along before turning back to Raina,"How about you? Raina, you don't think you can move on from this?"_

_"I don't think I can't. It's hard to start the healing process when I'm still in the same environment where I got hurt and blamed in."_

_"Blamed?"_

_"You listened to the recording," I interupt._

_"I have," she says like it doesn't make a difference._

_"So you know he won't ever admit he's wrong, at least not to me or to his other victims," Raina states._

_"Why?"_

_I sigh, feeling like I have had to explain this a million times, "_ _Abusers enjoy playing victim while simultaneously manipulating the rest of you who weren't there when our entire life changed."_

_Jin Hyun and Raina nod eagerly with me._

_"What do we have to do?" Raina asks suddenly._

_"I don't think you'll have to do much more. We're going to bring him in a third time and interrogate him. I think we'll be able to get a confession this time."_

_"You don't sound sure," Jin Hyun frowns._

_"Let's think positively for now."_

_"What's our chance?"_

_"I think there's a 7 out of 10 chance he'll confess. He has no one left on his side that we know of."_

A lot of people are sympathetic to the concept of PTSD but not the reality of it. They expect you to stare off into space or be sad, and they aren't sympathetic to the angry moments, or the strong reactions to triggers. Even when it's anger there's always a hint of sadness surfacing it. Even then though, that's not really true, because while I say anger what I really mean is black hole inside me filled with nails and rocks and broken glass and the words I don't have anymore.

My body is weirdly heavy and light at the same time, it's floaty, and a huge part of me is leaving me to watch from a distance, so it doesn't have to take responsibility when I'm finished.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry my updates aren't close together anymore I will try to work harder.


	27. things are so hard now i want it to stop

As I'm pulled back by Mingyu, Vernon and Joshua holding down an arm each, Seungkwan and The8 are lowering a defeated Bumzu to the ground so he doesn't collapse. I rethink the last minute of my movements. I punched him in the nose first, his head turning fast to try and get away from my fist a second time. I end up landing a hit to his diaphragm making him finally fall back as he gasped for air.

His eyes water from the hit to the nose and his face pales as his cheeks redden. I wait for him to jump up, as I'm still in Mingyu's grasp. I want to tell Mingyu to hold me still so Bumzu hyung can get a few good hits in as well.

I want to keep screaming 'fuck you' until he gets angry enough to hit me harder than I hit him.

None of that happens though. Instead he sits on the ground looking up at me, observing my clenched fists, and opens his mouth as blood leaves his left nostril.

"If I knew..." he trails off, and I realize we're talking about _you_ again, "I would have protected you."

I shake Mingyu, Vernon, and Joshua off. Jeonghan steps in front of me giving me a stern look. I wave him off, but S.Coups and him still stand next to me ready to jump in any second. I lean forward, Seungkwan and The8 finally letting go of him as he sits up on his own.

"Just because things could have been different doesn't mean things would've been better."

In other words you will always and forever be a rapist. You can't go back, and I doubt you would want to besides for wanting to do it again.

His face went blank for a second before sadness covered every bit of his features. I should care, because I'm talking about his brother. But I don't, because we're talking about my rapist.

So instead of walking away I get into his face, as close as I can be without our noses touching. I feel irritation more than anything and I have this strong urge to rub you in his face.

"He can be your brother as long as you want him to be, but that doesn't change who he really is," I frown, but I'm smiling evilly on the inside, "He'll always be a rapist. There's no taking back what he's done. It doesn't matter if you want to accept it or not. It doesn't matter that you need time to process it. Try being the one assaulted, then come talk to me."

I force myself to stand up straight and take a step backwards so I don't hit him again.

I think you should leave is what I should say but it comes out as a quiet aggressive, "Get out."

And he does.  
  
  


Tomorrow I promised Jeonghan I would finally tackle the boxes that has been piled around my bed and desk. One is open from when DK forced me to change my clothes and shower, that was 5 days ago. I am not looking forward to it. I didn't pack neatly, aside from the members helping, I threw everything in boxes cause I didn't want to look at anything for too long. Tomorrow will be full of triggers, after hearing your name and thinking of you all day I know I'll have to do much worse tomorrow.

I promised Jeonghan though. And I won't break it a 3rd time. My room is the last to unpack besides that kitchen anyways.

I climb into my bed, in my empty room with only a desk as my furniture. I day dream about how I really want my room to look and think about maybe getting myself new things. But then I end up thinking about Bumzu again and this time I can feel a bit of guilt crawling it's way up my chest and throat.

Maybe I was unfair. Maybe I should have heard him out, listened a little better. But I'm tired, I am utterly exhausted from carrying this by myself for 6 years. I haven't had a single break cause I have to carry not only my old me's ashes but yours too. Cause we both died that day, even if it was just a little bit of you and a whole lot of me.  
  
  


_"Good luck with your debut album. I'll make sure to vote for Seventeen. Fighting!"_

_These were the only words that played in my head over and over. Which was strange to me cause he threatened not only my life but the members too and yet these were the words that made me feel sick._

_I don't know how long I sat there, but when I got up it was 2:49 am and I had to stop looking at that fucking clock. I don't remember standing or moving, don't remember being something that could do all that._

_I gathered my clothes, knowing I have to put them back on and wear them home. I even put my boxers back on. Then I push my desk chair right underneath that damn clock, climb up slowly as I rock on my heels trying not to fall. I grab it by the top and fling it across the room watching the glass shatter against the wall. Then I jump off the chair feeling the familiar pain of tingly needles electrocute through my body and I immediately regret even getting off the floor._

_The anger of letting what happened to me happen, the anger that you got away with it easily, the anger that no one came when I prayed for someone to know instinctively; all of that anger plus the over all humiliation rushes over me._

_So I yell. I yell 'fuck you', 'fuck you', 'fuck you', as I grab everything I can and throw it as hard as I can, being sure not to hurt the equipment I can't pay for. I rip the cushions off the couch, throw the desk chairs aside and all the papers you worked on all night. I will just have to do it all again. Without you, and without being here._

_I'm breathing heavy and I'm not sure if it's because I'm about to have a panic attack or because of the fact I just destroyed our studio without taking a single breath. Either way I force myself to pick everything back up and when I leave I don't know what time it is, nor do I care anymore._

_Nothing matters._   
  


_My legs are shaking and my body is trembling like I'm cold, but I'm sweaty and sticky and disgusting so I know it's not that. I have to lean my body against the railing of the stair case as I pull myself down them focusing all my strength on not tumbling down these stairs right now._

_Every step makes me wish I took the elevator, but thinking about having to walk through the front lobby and out the front door terrifies me enough to go this way. The sun isn't out when I manage to make it out the back building door._

_My bones ache and the birds are singing. The sun must be coming up soon. Just as I'm about to make it down the last bit of steps towards our dorm building, I trip just like in the movies and fall hard onto my hands feeling the gritty feeling of rocks under my palms. It startles me into a semi-awareness, I push to walk faster until I make it to our building and climb more steps._   
  


_The tiny bit of relief that goes through me as I push the dorm front door open is enough for me to finally collapse and take a minute to breathe. After locking the door of course. I don't lay there long as I remember from the aching feeling that I need to scrub you off me still. So I fill the bath, I only look at myself through the mirror, avoiding looking at my face. White smeared across my shirt and pants. My head throbs. The kind of headache that makes you want to throw up, but I swallow against that feeling and step into the tub letting my clothing stick to my body. Now I strip of my tainted clothing and feel the parts of me that you touched, flinching the lower I go._

_I hate you._

_I let the bath tub drain and think this is when I should be texting or calling someone. Askign for help. Or maybe calling the police._

_But I can't risk it._

_Before I know it I'm cutting my own hair, getting rid of as much of the feeling of you pulling my hair out of my head, and off of my body. I let the sink drain of my hair, and I go to bed._


	28. band-aids for broken bones

I wake up on top of my covers on my bed. I fell asleep too early, and it's only 4 in the morning. I'm still dressed in the same clothes as yesterday. The sun isn't out yet as I peer through my now opened curtains, the first signs of life- cars with their headlights on, and birds singing. I get up, my mouth dry, not bothered enough to change clothes just focused on getting water.

The floor is cold just like every early morning, and all the lights except for the small nightlights in the hall and bathroom are off. I squint my eyes to see through the sliding door, a shadow figure sitting, I squint harder with the sound of water hitting the inside of my cup in the background.

I make out his thin figure, deciding it must be Joshua. I shouldn't be able to tell by just the back of the head but I guess that's what a decade of living together does to you.

I watch him as I pull my cup away just in time to not overflow. I wait for him to move more than just his head up at the sky. I wait for him to come in and ask me why I'm awake at this time. He doesn't do any of these things though, so he's just out there alone. I don't want to join him but I think maybe I have to. It's kind of like stumbling on a crime scene of an accident. Once you've looked, you're a part of it. Especially if you walk away.

So I take a long drink of water and set it on the table before slowly approaching the sliding door, I don't think about how I'm going to join him or what I'm going to say. Instead I just do, rather than thinking about it too long.

He startles when the sliding door opens but I don't apologize, he gives me a small (needed) smile when he realizes I'm not a murderer. I sit down next to him on the hard cold concrete without saying a word. Sometimes you just need someone's presence to know you're not alone in this world so early in the morning when everyone should be sleeping and not thinking about your existence.

"You're awake early."

"Yep," I say, knowing he's just trying to make conversation so it's not awkward.

It's okay to sit in silence, I want to tell him, but that may come off harsh. Lately everything I say comes off harsh. Just as I think he catches my vibe he speaks again.

"Things could've been different you know. You didn't have to fall so far." When are they going to understand that I know that?, "I mean I understand, I'm not saying it would change anything-"

"Then why bring it up?"

"I meant it wouldn't change us believing you or not. Even if our debut really did depend on it."

I don't know about that one, I want to say. I remember how hard each of us worked, I don't know if we would risk anything if it depended on each of us debuting or not.

Wait.

"How do you know that?"

"Know wh- oh. I- me and Jeonghan talked to Detective Park and she may have mentioned something along those lines."

"Okay," I breathe out, "Doesn't make it either of your business."

"I know."

It's quiet again, the sun rising just a tiny bit more. A light orange slowly spreading across the sky.

"I'm on your side you know."

"I know."

"With Bumzu and Dong Geun. You're our priority."

I look at him. He looks back.

"Though I understand Bumzu too. Dong Geun's his brother. Even if it doesn't change anything. This comes down to morals not heart."

All I can think is, doesn't he know a name can be as good as a declaration of war? That I can say anything I want to him now, no matter how cruel it is to get myself back.

"Did you ever have a feeling something was wrong?" I ask unexpectedly. It makes my insides rear back. Why would I ask such a thing.

"We all did, at one point or another. We knew something was off, we had our feelings, we just never put the pieces together."

Suddenly I'm speaking again and I can't stop, "I still remember the nights I cried myself to sleep," Joshua's eyes are on me, and words keep flowing no matter what I want, "I did what I could to help myself, to take care of myself. So I don't rot, or decay," I know there's times where I speak like I'm writing a song, and it doesn't really make sense, this is one of those times, "but it-" my eyes well up, "eventually-it got t-to-too hard," Joshua's hand lands on my knee comfortingly. I originally came out here to comfort him, not the other way around. So I sniffle, suck up the tears and look back at him once again, "Are you okay?"

He gives me a confused look, "Me?"

I nod, and he frowns, "I'm fine."

"Yeah? Is that why you're out here?"

"I was just thinking, everything I thought I knew, and the people I thought I knew-"

"You didn't actually know?"

Joshua nods, and then sighs, "yeah it seems to have turned out like that. I'm just realizing how you felt, how you have felt for so long."

I can feel it, the guilt he's carrying and I don't want to feel it anymore. I don't want to feel anything anymore.

"Don't sulk in guilt hyung."

"I'm not. I know it's no one's fault except his. I just. I don't know. How did you get over it?"

Who says I got over it?

"You don't," I say, knowing I'm not helping much at all, "You accept it, but you don't actually get over it."

"Do you ever wish it was someone else?"

I know a protagonist in any other story would say no. But are they telling the truth. Who would want this to happen to them? Or even accept it for that matter.

So instead I say, "Yes. I do, all the time."

Maybe that makes me a bad person. Maybe it makes me more human. However way you see it, I simply do not care. Fuck you. I wasn't a hero needing to swoop in and save some other innocent person, I was just a kid. Kids shouldn't have to be the ones doing the saving.  
  
  


Mingyu comes around the room feeding each of us cooked meat. Along with myself, Joshua, Jeonghan, Seungkwan, DK, Vernon, and The8 have volunteered to help me pack away my stuff. S.Coups was currently minding Mingyu's cooking in the kitchen, and Jun, Dino, Hoshi, and Wonwoo are freshening up on Fear's choreography. Even though the rest of our tour was long cancelled, we still planned to reschedule.

Everything was going smoothly, in my opinion. Besides the utter non-motivation of not wanting to do any of this in the first place, I would say I have been doing okay since eating breakfast after me and Joshua's chat.

Then the phone rings, and it gets louder as someone, S.Coups, is approaching my room.

"It's Detective Park," he says, the phone in my reach in seconds as he enters.

"Hello?" I'm dropping the half empty box of clothes onto my bed and retreating out of the room.

"Jihoon. It's nice to hear your voice, I have news."

"Okay."

"We found another reason to bring Dong Geun in, he refused to come in on his own, which was suspcious enough for us to get a warrant to search his apartment, and we found a pair of slippers that belongs to you."

"How do you know it belongs to me?"

"There's evidence of humanly fluid, most likely vomit left on them."

"And you're sure it's mine?"

"Yes," she waits a few moments for me to speak before continuing when I don't, "I will contact you after more questioning, we're bringing him in now. Try to enjoy the rest of your day. Have a good one."

I don't manage to say bye, or thanks, or anything along those lines. I just hang up. Cause her news shouldn't have hit me as hard as it has, but it has. He's taken something from me while I didn't even notice. How did I not notice?

I toss the phone on the table and head back to my room. Almost running into Mingyu and S.Coups in the hall.

"Why was my favorite mug with your stuff?" Mingyu asks, he's clearly not mad, but I know what I'm about to do will sure make him angry, enough.

I grab the mug from him, just to examine it for a moment before dropping it on the kitchen floor and letting it shatter. The mug you used for alcohol that night. The night I almost let my pain end. The night you took something from me behind my back, again.

"Jihoon- hyung- what? What the fuck was that for?"

I am so hungry for Dong Geun's pain that I'll take it in any form. Even if it's through someone else.

"I'll buy you a new one," I say calmly.

But that's understandably not enough.

"My eomma gave me that," he yells, and he's fuming in his shock. S.Coups just stands there not yet processing what just happened, while everyone that was once in my room now stand in the hallway, waiting, waiting for anything else to happen.

"Hit me." I don't even realize what I'm saying before Mingyu's hands grip around my wrists, I try to jerk away but he's too fast. Touching me without permission, again, there should be a death penalty for that.

The wall directly behind us, he harshly pushes me up against it, one hand grips both my wrists underneath. One hand grips both of my wrist underneath so hard my wrist bones rub together. Nails digging into my skin, but I don't feel it, I'm too focused on my bones rubbing together. And somehow I'm not on a couch I'm against a wall this time. Mingyu isn't Mingyu in this moment, and exactly how I begged for something to click inside me that night, my body doesn't budge it, isn't working the way I need it to, to get out of Dong Geun's grip.

"Stop," I beg but it's quiet, maybe even in my head, "nO. No. NO," and the word gets louder the more he makes me say it, and for once someone hears it coming out of my mouth. S.Coups and Joshua drag Dong Geun- _Mingyu- no-no-no- it's Mingyu_ \- Mingyu off me, Seungkwan is heading towards me now; fear triggers my fight, flight, or freeze, and this time I don't freeze.

"Don't," I block myself and I sob.

"Okay," Seungkwan's frightened but soothing voice reaches my ears, "okay- I said okay Hyung. It's okay, he's gone," he pulling my arms away from my face, and just pulling me into him, "it's okay," he breathes out heavily, like he was also the one fighting, "it's okay. You're okay."

"Woozi-ah," Jeonghan speaks, and I look up, tears still silently falling down my face. I spot the phone before Jeonghan's relieved face, "They got a confession."

Mingyu is out of sight, so is Joshua, and S.Coups has rejoined us. Vernon is watching but smiling, cause this was a messed up moment turned good.

It was just a mug.

I cry harder.

"He-he confessed?"

"Yeah."

I cry even harder.  
  
  


I helped myself.  
wiped my own tears.  
put balm over my fresh wounds.  
plastered parts of my heart that  
were still hurting.  
gave myself time.  
read books that soothed my soul.  
wrote music that made me smile.  
watched movies that pieces of myself.  
bit by bit. I put myself together again.  
and I gave myself a second chance.  
because I knew that if I didn't

_then no one else would._


	29. this is a relentless loop of emptiness

I can't stand the feeling in my chest, in my stomach, and head. I need it to be morning so I can go down to the station and hear the recording of your confession.

We got take-out tonight, to celebrate, cause this is supposed to be a huge win. And it is. Except. Except I don't know how I'm supposed to feel or if I'm even allowed to have feelings other than happiness. I tell myself, I have cried enough, cause I have. I have sobbed and sobbed and sobbed, and quite frankly my body is so tired from sobbing I could sleep for a week.

Besides tonight. Tonight, no matter how long I keep my eyes shut and will myself to drift off, I can't. I can not feel this relief disguised as 'happiness' until you are not breathing the same society air. I need you to breathe prison air before I can relax, sleep effortlessly, and go on with my life without a single drop of fear.

I can't stand the anticipation of it any longer. It needs to just happen already. Your guilt. Your guilty plea. So I can stop being scared every second of every day. The fear creeps up on me the moment I wake up and stays with me throughout the day, hitting climax when I leave the house, and spiking again when all the lights are turned off for bed. The members don't know I wait for them to go to bed so I can sleep with the light on. There's no need to tell them. I have been a burden enough.

But tonight I don't wait for everyone to go to bed, I keep the light on and lay down like every night. My mind already made up. I'm more than scared, I'm so terrified I could pass out from the dizziness in my head, and the almost-unable-to-breathe scared.   
  
  


The hours seem to stretch out so long that at one point I think someone must be playing a trick on me. But eventually my alarm goes off and I rush to turn it off and slip out from under the covers. I'm moving way too fast cause as I stand up the dizziness gets worse, and I have to sit down to regain my breath.

I open my curtains, the sky a light gray, the sun barely even risen. I go through every motion and morning routine as normal but speed-ed up and much quieter. I decide to get coffee at the coffee shop instead of risking the sound of the coffee pot waking up anyone.  
  


When I step outside our building into the morning cold air, I feel this deep fear digging into my throat, and I think oh god, I have a bullet stuck inside of me and I might throw up. I swallow the bullet, and push myself forwards. Remembering to send a group text, to send in a hour so I won't wake anyone up, that I have gone to the confession alone.

Early mornings have a particular scent that just helps keep me calm. Coffee shops smell better in the morning.

I get in line and I try to bring myself back, I'm dissociated and out of it and it's getting harder to stay grounded. I focus on the smell of the coffee brewing, feel my phone in my pocket, watch another customer type on their laptop, bringing myself back down.

Then I realize something, I'm staring at the customer typing on their laptop still and I know him. Yeah I do know him. It's Baekho. In seconds like he knew too he looks up and we're making eye contact. It takes him a split second to smile but I feel like I just been caught doing something I'm not supposed to be doing. He notices the frown on my face, but he doesn't say anything cause I'm next in line and suddenly the worker is talking to me asking me what I want.

I tell her I'll have a vanilla iced coffee, and she rings me up and sends me to the other end of the counter to wait for my drink.

And because I let him know I seen him, I get my drink and go sit next to him, readying myself to put on a smile. Though my nerves are in control and I'm slightly shaking.

"Hey," I say as I sit down.

"Hey, nice to see you around. Are you here by yourself?"

I nod, "Yeah just wanted some alone time."

He laughs, "Yeah that must be hard in a house of 13 people."

That makes me smile, cause he's right, it's hard.

"Are you okay?"

I nod, of course I'm okay, of course. I mean my rapist confessed, what else do I need besides him behind bars.

"Are you hungry?" Baekho looks down at my untouched coffee, "Let me get you something."

I'm about to say no by default, but there's this pang inside of me. I am hungry. I know I'm not supposed to need anything. Not supposed to want. But I haven't eaten anything since lunch yesterday, after going to bed early before dinner was even on the table.

"Yeah that'll be nice thanks hyung."

I watch him nod, smile, and get up to go order.

"How are you doing?"

I shrug, "I'm being."

"You're doing better?"

"No," I say taking a bite of the breakfast sandwich he bought me, "Not really."

"I'm sor-"

"Don't be. I'm sorry but I'm tired of hearing 'I'm sorry's. There's nothing to be sorry for."

"You're right," I feel him observing me, "How are you feeling?"

"Stuck," I say almost like an instinct, being stuck is an instinct, "Stuck and lost."

"Why stuck?"

"It feels like it happened yesterday," I say, almost a whisper, "Everyday, it feels like it was yesterday. Like I can't really get away from it." 

Every day you try to get better but inside; It's always inside.

"It's going to be like that for a while, I'm sure it's normal."

"' _It.'_ happened six years ago, hyung. I don't know why I'm still stuck."

"Cause he's still free."

"Maybe. But I shouldn't depend on that. What if he's always free?"

"He won't be."

"Don't say things you're not sure about."

"Okay."

"Thanks for the food but I have to go."

"Where do you have to be?"

"He confessed. I'm going to go hear it."

"By yourself?" he lifted an eyebrow, worry sketched across his face.

"Yeah. I already let the members know."

"Okay. Do you need a ride?"

"No. I'll walk. Thank you though."

I don't know what I expect when I get to the police station. For it to be different? For me to feel different? I just need to get inside before anyone snaps a picture. The sun is almost up and the streets are half full, it's time to suffocate the emptiness with a little bit of knowing.

"Lee Jihoon?" I'm at the front desk, I nod, "Come with me. Detective Park is waiting for you."

The confession isn't at all what I expected it to be. You're sobbing, crying so hard you cough and gasp for air. And you're talking about me, and your other victims. You talk about us like you cared about us at some point. You talk and talk and describe every single detail like it matters to you. Like it happened to you too. Then you're talking about your mentor, your dance teacher, and what he did to you. And then you're apologizing, and apologizing, and apologizing, like that'll make up for the shit that you have already done. Like what happened to you makes up for what you did to us, or at least excuses it. When it's over, and Detective Park presses the stop button on the tape recorder, I have to suck in a breath, exhale, inhale, and exhale again.

"Thank you for coming down Jihoon, I know this must be hard."

"What's hard about it?"

She just stares back at me.

"I mean pardon me, but I don't give a fuck about his abuse."

"I didn't say you had to. That was a terrible thing that happened to him, yes. But it's not a free pass. Not an excuse."

My heart floods full of every emotion I've ever known, all at once. Because she's right. It's no excuse. Not a free pass. Not for him. Not for me. I nod my head.

"I won't lie Jihoon," she tells me, "It's about to get a lot tougher. It'll get harder before it gets easier, but everything will be okay, I promise."

"Even if he's not charged?"

"Even if he's not charged. You'll be okay. My word."

'Everything will be okay' always sounds like a generic, useless thing that people just say when there's nothing else to be said for a situation, but those words coming out of her mouth-- it sounds like the most profound thing anyone has ever said in the history of humankind.

"Nothing that happened to you was your fault. You don't have to be a victim," I can be a victim and a survivor all at once. Since when were there rules? "You did nothing wrong."

I did nothing wrong. For the first time, I feel like a victim without hating myself for it. I raise my chin to look at Detective Park, she looks hopeful and worried all at once. But I add her to my list anyways. The members each have their role in this difficult journey with me. But I can rely on Detective Park to keep me safe, and to really protect me. 

And suddenly I know without a doubt it is gonna get really really bad before it can be the slightest bit close to being better.


	30. I need a break from this place

Outside in the cold, I look up and wish on the entire universe that I was anywhere-- I close them tight-- anywhere but here. But when I open them, I'm staring at the same sky in the same city, feeling the same as I did before I got here. Only worse. I have to focus all of my energy on not letting myself to cry. 

It had never occurred to me that what happened to me could have happened to you. But it's not an excuse.

Not an excuse. _notanexcusenotanexcusenotanexcuse._

_"Why did you let it go on for so long?"_

_"Why didn't you tell someone sooner?"_

_"Why didn't you protect yourself?"_

I'm walking, hood covering my face, mask and all. I'm dialing as I walk, it goes straight to voice mail. Again and again, and before I can curse or throw my phone after getting frustrated I arrive at my destination. I hit the button and the front doors open, then I'm climbing the steps and I'm in front of apartment 4D, and I'm ringing the doorbell.

"Uh hey?" I'm staring at the welcome mat, "You okay?"

"Hey, can I uh crash here for a while?"

"Sure. For how long?"

"I just need a nap man."

"Oh. Okay. Yeah, of course, come in."

His apartment is 4 rooms, the living room being the first thing you walk into, the kitchen connected, a bathroom and bedroom. So small and cramped but it's only the two of us, it should be fine.

He guides me inside, or maybe I just follow him. I take my shoes off and he gives me a pair of guest slippers. I follow to the couch, he asks if I need anything, I say no. He stays a comfortable distance, close enough so I can reach for him if I need him.

"You can sleep in my bed if you want."

"Thanks." I don't move.

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"Do you remember teacher Hyun?"

"The dance mentor when we were trainees? Yeah, why?"

"He assaulted Dong Geun."

I glance at him, listen to watch for his reaction. He breathes in deeply, an oh shaping his mouth, shock arched across his face, his hand flies to his hair. He's not sure what to do with this information.

"You remember him?" he already answered, but I don't care. I need to know he's still present.

"Yeah," he breathes out, "I do. Sorry I'm just-- wow-- I'm surprised is all."

I nod. Me too.

"That doesn't change anything though."

I nod to that too.

"You have to remind yourself that."

"What?"

"That you didn't deserve it."

"I know."

"And you're allowed to be angry." 

"Am I?"

"Yes."

I can't help but laugh a little, "Hyung. I don't think I should allow myself that."

"Jihoon. You are allowed to be angry."

"Have you seen what's happened when I'm angry hyung? I can't control it. It consumes me."

"That's only because you don't express it until it's nearly paralyzing. You will eventually explode, that's a given."

He has a point. I have to admit. It hasn't hit me that I'm allowed to feel any emotion. I'm allowed to cry and be sad, throw things and be mad, I'm allowed to do all of that cause this isn't anyone else's trauma except mine.

I look at Baekho, nod to show I agree with him and I understand exactly what he means. I have this overwhelming intrusive thought to kiss him, to climb on top of him and move his arms around my neck. There's a knock on the door that brings me out of those thoughts.

"Hey Jihoon. I was gonna hang out with Bumzu hyung today. I can tell him to go home or-" He's getting up and I resist from pulling him back.

"No it's okay hyung. It's your place you can have who ever you want over."

He smiles back at me as he reaches the door, without another word Baekho opens up the door and me and Bumzu are staring right at each other.

"Hey," I choose to break the silence before it could get awkward.

"Umm... hey," he replies back stepping inside cautiously. He probably thinks I'm gonna attack him. Again. But he comes to sit by me so that tells me he isn't that concerned, or he just doesn't care if he gets hurt again.

I can relate.

It's normal for the first 15 minutes, as we grab snacks and drinks and turn on video games. It's almost like everything is back to normal, I almost feel normal. It's a weird feeling. My head hurts, I excuse myself to the bathroom.

I shut the door quietly and lean into the sink to get closer to the mirror. I inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, and sigh, cause I know this is the most normal I'm going to get for a long time. In a sense, in a way, I am about to go to war. And the one other person who was there when it ignited is against me. Yeah. This is going to be hard.

"You don't want to play anymore?" Baehko asks as I lay on the couch instead of joining them on the floor.

"No, I'll just watch."

I'm so exhausted that minutes into Bumzu winning against Baekho, my body has sunk into the couch already and my eyes are closed.

"Yeah he's here. He's asleep right now," there's a pause, the lights are dimmed, the tv is on still, "I don't really know we didn't talk about it. Yeah. No, he's okay. I'll send him home when he wakes up. Okay. Bye."

"Baekho."

"Hmmm."

"Do you think he'll forgive me?"

I squeeze my eyes tight.

"He will in time. Hyung you need to keep reminding yourself that yes you're hurt but where did the hurt start and who got the worse of it," Baekho means me, "this isn't yours to be angry or hurt about. I'm not saying you can't be hurt or angry, that will happen anyways, but this didn't happen to you. Give him time, okay."

"Okay. Yeah I will."

"I'm gonna go shower don't let Jihoon leave when he wakes up unless he has the intention to go home."

"Sure thing."

It's quiet again, and I'm laying as still as possible as I listen closely to Bumzu leaning against the couch in front of me and clicking through the channels. I hear Baekho's footsteps and bathroom door shut. Then I hear the shower and the tv being turned up one, then down one again.

I wait a few seconds, listen for him to get up or leave. But he doesn't.

"Why didn't you hit me back?" I'm sitting up so he can face me. So I can tell if he's lying.

"Why would I?"

"What do you mean? I hit you, why didn't you hit back?"

"Cause I deserved it?"

"That's a question."

"I don't know Woozi-ah. I don't know why I didn't hit you."

"Yes you do. Think."

Bumzu looks at me for a straight minute before speaking, "You were upset-"

"Oh I was far past upset hyung."

_Calm down._

"You're right. I didn't do anything cause I knew I'll regret it. And your safety was more important to me."

"Hyung I'm about to sound like a real asshole but your safety didn't even cross my mind, I just wanted you to hit back."

He gaped at me, "Now it's your turn to tell me why."

I laugh, "Okay," he smiles at me, but I don't smile back, "I haven't felt pain in a while. I wanted to feel it again."

Bumzu just starred at me for a minute not knowing what to say. He doesn't even get the chance though as Baekho makes his way back in the living room in fresh clothes and towel in hand.

"Good morning Jihoon. Your members were worried about you, they called, want to know when you're going home."

"I can head home now."

I start to get up and gather my things.

"Thanks for letting me crash here."

I feel as if I am going to implode.

"No worries."

And suddenly all I can think about is getting out of here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Currently moving my other Woozi-centric story over on Archive if anyone is interested, keep an eye out I'll be updating it on here today. It's a story that's currently on hiatus and hasn't gotten much recognition, maybe y'all can help motivate me to continue it.  
> Look out for "I didn't plan for this". Please check it out and leave feedback/ideas for me!! thank you!


	31. I'm allowed to be angry

**_Trigger Warning:_ intense mentioning of s3lf h4rm; and mention of r4pe**

Our dance studio is dark. There is no practice today. I'm aware of this, I just choose to ignore it. In a way I am thankful no one is here to see me like this.

He was assaulted. He was raped. You were assaulted. You were raped. I can not grasp this, and I wonder if this is how the members felt when I told them what you did. This is different though, because I am not a rapist. I am just a victim. You are both, and I'm sorry but rapist outweighs victim by a ton.

I wonder if your trauma lives inside you like it lives inside me. I wonder, for a moment, how your trauma impacted you. And then I remember that, I don't care. I don't care if it made you sensitive, or a ball of anger. What I do know is that it made you a predator. And instead of being the hunted you turned into the hunter. 

I wish I could sit here and say my trauma made me soft, made me kind, made me pure. But it didn't. It turned me bitter, angry, and distrustful. I became a demon made of pain and hurt, while everybody else turned to angels.

I do not turn on the light. Instead I go and lay down in the middle of the floor, where the outside light is coming in through the door window. 

I bang my head against the floor. Over, over, and over again. I want to bash my head in. I want to stab my stomach, open and slit my wrists. I want to hurt myself until I physically can't continue. I want to watch as my body gives up on me. I want it to stop.

Body turned crime scene, body turned war zone. Sometimes the things I'm willing to do to myself scare me.

I want it all to stop.

My thoughts are scaring me, I search for my phone. I'm sick of waiting for things to get better.

I dial the number carefully, sitting up with shaky hands. Let me rot. Let me bleed. I deserve it all.

"Hello?"

"Hoshi Hyung.... I'm at the dance studio."

"We don't have practice today Woozi-ah."

"I know." I take a breath, trying to fight pain with pain just leaves you with more pain then you started with, "Can you.... I shouldn't be alone right now."

"Are you okay?"

"No. Can you just come?"

"Just me?"

"And Joshua hyung."

"Okay. We'll be there in a few minutes."

"Thank you hyung."

I know it's all in my head but my stomach is sick. I feel sick. 

"Woozi-ah?" the lights flash on, two figures at the now opened door.

"Hey," I reply like this is a casual run in.

They both look at me confused and worried.

"What's going on Woozi?" Joshua asks as they both sat down so we were forming a little circle between the 3 of us.

I don't even have words. I don't have any way to express how I'm feeling. I gave up being poetic.

"I'm going to court as Victim A. Dong Geun confessed this morning."

How did I become a secondary character in my own story?

"Well, that's good news," Joshua comments.

"Is it?" I ask.

"Why wouldn't it be?" Hoshi shoots back.

"It's just too good to be true, you know?"

"Don't think so negatively Woozi-ah, have good thoughts."

"How?" I look to Joshua with a questioning look and wait for him to give me the magic answer that'll make this situation less fucked up than it is.

"You just have to try?"

I scoff, and that's all they need to hear.

"Woozi, what do you think about a support group?"

I look up from staring at the scratched up wood floor. Hoshi has his phone out showing Joshua something.

"What about it Hoshi hyung?"

"There's one going on right now at a school in Itaewon. It's uh for-"

"It's for sexual trauma survivors," Joshua finishes.

I look between them both for a moment, trying to observe their faces, read what they are truly thinking but I can't tell. Maybe it's because I can't think straight either.

"Yeah. Sure." I shrug and stand up, gathering my things, which is just my jacket and my phone, "Who drove?"

"I did," Joshua said, "But Hoshi can drive this time." He teased, throwing Hoshi the keys as he tries to make an escape.

"You can't force me."

"I drove here it's only fair if you drive next."

"Then you have to drive home," he says using my body as a shield while Joshua tries to grab him by his sleeve. They're going around me in circles like a small game of tag, I just stand still and laugh.

"Okay fine."

"Alright I'll drive then," Hoshi lets go of my arms and grins satisfied, finally picking the keys off the ground.

"Okay lets go to this group you idiots," I shake my head like a disappointed appa.

And even though I laughed with them, it felt like I was watching the whole thing from somewhere else, like I was watching a movie about my life instead of living it.

When we get into the car I climb into the middle seat in the back.

"Uh, will you guys- will you both, um," I pause for a moment, think how I'm going to say this, how I'm going to ask, there's no loop hole here, just straight forward, "will you both come in with me?"

"Of course."

"Without question."

"I mean if it's alright with the other survivors," I quickly add, because the last thing I want to do is make someone uncomfortable. Someone who understands what it's like. To be me.

We're pulling up into the parking lot then and they are agreeing. The lights outside the elementary school and in the parking lot are lit up, we walk up the stairs and through the double doors. We are welcomed by warmth and light. I get the sudden feeling like I'm going to vomit. Like the nervous feeling you get on your first day of school, how ironic.

I grab onto Joshua's sleeve before we can get further down the hall.

"Are you having second thoughts?" Hoshi notices before Joshua can even process that I grabbed him.

"No," I breathe in deeply, and then I say quieter, "I'm just scared."

"We don't bite," there's a woman at the entryway and I realize how close we have gotten. My ears heat up and I know my face is red. I wish she didn't hear that. I wish she would've minded her business.

"I'm sorry to intrude," she takes a step forward, "I just couldn't help but notice a new face. I'm Choi Byeol, I'm the group therapist."

She sticks out her hand and I can't help but to stare, Joshua shakes her hand for me.

"I'm Hong Joshua."

"And I'm Kwon Soonyoung," Hoshi shakes her hand next.

"What's your name?" she smiles warmly at me and I wonder if she can feel my fear, like a sixth sense.

"I'm Lee Jihoon."

She doesn't try to shake my hand, I'm glad.

"All you all survivors?" she asks it so effortlessly, like it's just a word. It surprises me a little.

"Oh um, actually me and Soonyoung aren't but we were wondering-"

"Of course you are both welcome, support persons are always welcome especially with new members. Come on in, we're supposed to start at 7 but well everyone knows I'm always late," she laughs, waving at other group members that are just now coming in.

She shows us inside, leading us into the gym. There's a circle of white fold out chairs and it's like we are stepping into a movie's AA meeting.

"Eunae, do you mind taking the seat next to Chaewon so the 3 new comers can sit together."

"Sure, Byeol unnie. Hi," she looks to us, "I'm Eunae." And just like Byeol she out reaches her hand, and this time I reach out too.

"Hi I'm Jihoon."

"We don't get men often, thank you for joining us," the girl Chaewon says as Eunae takes her seat after also shaking Joshua and Hoshi's hands and them introducing themselves

"Thank you for letting us stay," Joshua says, the gentleman in him stepping out.

"No it's our pleasure, like Chaewon said, we don't get men often, it's amazing that you're here," another woman joins in, this time much older, "I'm Hyejin, by the way."

"Joshua."

"Hoshi."

"I'm Jihoon," I take a seat in between Joshua and Hoshi, glad to feel safe.

"Okay everyone take their seats we are about to start," Byeol claps her hands together and everyone is finding their way into the circle, most coming from the food table.

I glance at Joshua and Hoshi and they smile at me, Joshua laying an arm on my shoulder and Hoshi grabbing my hand to hold.

"Okay so first things first, we have some new people so lets introduce ourselves and..." she taps her chin, "tell us one good thing that has happened for you recently."

And then it starts, there's 15 of us, counting myself, Joshua, Hoshi, and the group therapist. So 11 other girls and women, I'm not sure everyone's ages.

"Hi I'm Hyejin, I'm one of the oldest members here," she laughs, "and one good thing that's happened to me recently is my grandchildren came to visit me for the weekend!"

There's a sudden collection of snaps, and Byeol looks at the 3 of us, the only ones not snapping.

"Hyejin unnie, will you tell the newcomers why we snap."

"Oh! Yes!" she turns to us and instinctively we all smile at her, "we snap as a way to applaud each other."

"Or a way to say, we get you."

"Or that we're proud of you." 

We nod and then we're moving on, everyone goes quickly and soon it's Hoshi's turn.

"Hi, I'm Soonyoung, and one good thing that's happened to me recently is I finished a new dance choreography and it came out exactly how I wanted it to."

I laugh a little, as everyone including Joshua snaps.

Then I realize it's my turn, "Oh. Um. I'm Jihoon, and one good thing that happened to me recently is," I pause, and think and wonder if I can be brutally honest, "Um, can I be honest?"

"Of course you can!" Byeol smiles brightly, her energy is so encouraging, that's all I needed.

"My rapist confessed today," before I can continue there's snaps, claps, and gasps of happiness, and then Byeol is stomping her feet, then everyone even Hoshi is stomping their feet. Joshua is patting my shoulder and snapping too.

"This deserves more than snaps!" she says, and I have to swallow the lump in my throat cause oh my god I feel loved and understood.

I have to take a minute to let it process as everyone is giving me positive feedback and we're trying to move onto Joshua.

"Hi, I'm Joshua-"

"Hi, I'm Eunae-"

"Hi, I'm Chaewon-"

"Hi, I'm Minsung-"

"Hi, I'm Soo-ah-"

"Hi, I'm Yeona-"

"Hi, I'm Byeol and I'm your group therapist!"

She gets started with talking about everyone's week so far and what they have accomplished, then we're moving on. My hand gets sweaty in Hoshi's hand but he doesn't let go, and I am so grateful.

At first it's light and just chatter but then before we know it it's getting heavier, the atmosphere weighs down a bit. Byeol seems to notice right away and stops everyone for a brief moment.

"Before we get any further I would just like to remind everyone it is okay to get up and leave if someone is too much. If you are feeling triggered get up and we'll stop and wait for you to leave the room. Please everyone put themselves first, your well being is what's most important at all times. Now for sharers, share what you are only comfortable to share, take your time we have all night if you really need it. This is a no judgement zone, what ever is said in this room stays in this room," she looks at all of us like shes threatening us if someone were to even think about spilling some else's business. I decide then that I like her.

****

**_TRIGGER WARNING_ **

****

"I'm Soo-ah, I was 16 when I was raped by my teacher-"

"I'm Hyejin, I'm a support person and a survivor. I was molested at a young age and then my daughter was raped in college, she unfortunately took her own life 5 years ago."

"I'm Chaewon, I was 6 the first time I was raped-"

I keep my head down for the most part but I listen to each story a little more than the last. I try not to drift in my own world, I try to connect with these strangers. Make myself feel less alone.

"I'm Yeona," a girl that can't be older than 25 starts next, "I was 17 when I was raped by my best friend's friend. I was unconscious and woke up," I raise my head and drop Hoshi's hand, "well you know not unconscious but that point where you're subconscious," everyone nods, including me, I feel Hoshi and Joshua's eyes on me briefly, "my body was heavy and I was confused, and then it got heavier cause he was climbing onto of me," she takes a deep breath, Chaewon is next to her, she holds her hand, "I'm in a foreign bed, and my head is pounding, I hear nothing but him taking his clothes off and my heart pounding in my own ears," I nod along, every word I can relate to, it's like I'm there with her, "He was so-" her voice cracks, she clears her throat, "he was so gentle. And I remember thinking, screaming at myself in my head 'get up', 'run', and then he's taking my clothes off. And I know I'm in danger, the alarms are going in my head but I can't move. No matter how much I want to get up, and run, I can't."

She stops, the air is tense, no one speaks. We wait.

Then she continues, "I try to explain that as well as I can to people who have never been through what I've been through. What a lot of us been through. But you can't really truly understand that type of fear, or pain until you feel it yourself. And god forbid you feel it yourself," she glances at me, I nod letting her know I understand, "He thought it was okay because I'm gay."

I swear you could hear a mouse breathing, it was so quiet.

I wait a moment for her to continue but when she doesn't and her body seems to start to fold in on itself I open my mouth, "He thought it was okay, my rapist," I quickly clarify so she doesn't think I'm talking about her 'him, "-he thought it was okay because he thought I had a crush on his best friend, which also happened to be my best friend as well. I never met him before that night. I think he thought if I could have him then I'd get confident enough to think I can have my best friend too. Except- I didn't have a crush on anyone. I was just trying to write music. I just wanted someone to guide me to give their opinion. I was unconscious too."

Yeona looks back up at me, she nods, "It's not our fault."

I bite the inside of my cheek as hard as I can, tasting my blood immediately.

I nod too, "No it's not."

It's not our fault.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long time no see, I'm a college student now, and my schedule is completely full 24/7. I put my own story in Yeona's, thank you for reading. Thank you for being patient <3


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